The Comedy Central Roast of Inuyasha
by SplendentGoddess
Summary: Just like the title says, this is a Comedy Central styled ROAST of Inuyasha! If you want to laugh your @ off for the next three to four hours then click this link! Crack!fic
1. Chapter 1

Winner! 3rd Place for Best Comedy, Feudal Association, 3rd Quarter 2010

Disclaimers:

Inuyasha is the sole property of Rumiko Takahashi, licensed in the United States under VIZ Productions. Comedy Central is owned by, and is a registered trademark of, Comedy Partners, a wholly owned division of VIACOM Inc.'s (NYSE: VIA and VIA.B) MTV Networks. We are not affiliated in any way, shape or form with either Takahashi and the Yomiuri Telecasting Corp., VIZ Productions or VIACOM Inc, and we stand to gain no form of compensation for this independent project, protected under the Fair Use doctrine for parody arts. In addition, there is reference held within to several musical releases, all of which are the sole property of their respective copyright holders.

Phew…

Now that _that's _out of the way…welcome to our story! This two-shot is a _joyous _collaboration piece between myself and the fabulously hilarious author King Baka, whom I just knew I had to pull on board with me on this one if I wanted it to come out right. If you've ever seen a Comedy Central Roast, then you know what to expect. We've modeled this story after the various roasts we've seen over the years, and did not pull any punches with the content. The humor contained herein is vile, raunchy, and probably offensive. Little, if any, of the material represents our own personal views. Please think twice before reading if you think you will have a problem with it. We do not want to receive any angry reviews or emails saying you were offended!

Also, please keep in mind that this is a crack!fic. We are not trying to make it perfectly consistent in any way. In general, this story 'takes place' after the end of the manga. But especially with characters that died during the series, you will sometimes read things that seem out of place. Please try to take it in stride and not sweat the details. We certainly aren't.

Well…now that _that's _out of the way…on with the show!

* * *

Put yourself there.

The scene opens to a large, mahogany stage. Red is the predominant color, found in the decorative floor-to-ceiling drapery against the back wall, as curtains pulled open on either side reveal a giant flat panel screen currently showing black. The scene widens to reveal an off-white couch seating four. It is set off to the left of the stage, with a row of five black barstools placed behind it, their occupants already in position save for the fifth barstool, which is currently empty. To the right of the stage, the chair of honor, also currently empty, is simple yet elegant in modern white leather. A black microphone sits innocently upon a cherry wood podium unattended in center-stage.

The scene pans back farther.

Beyond the stage, a full audience is in attendance, the auditorium alive and bustling with chatter. Then the main lights go down, the swirl of spotlights capturing the attention of everyone in attendance, their roars of excitement barely audible over the sudden blare of music. A full orchestral fanfare pumps into the room via Dolby surround sound speakers, the 'Inuyasha Battle Theme' blasting at top volume letting everyone know the show is about to begin.

Suddenly the room is cast into darkness, save for the lighting on stage. The music comes to a climactic close with five rapid beats, and the black monitor attached to the back wall lights up to display the Comedy Central logo. The audience goes crazy, and a disembodied male voice comes over the loud speakers.

_**Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to The Comedy Central Roast of Inuyasha!**_

_**Starring your Roast Master, Miroku!**_

_**Joined by Kagome, Sango, Sesshoumaru, Kouga, Kikyou, Kagura, Jakotsu and Naraku, with appearances by Shippou and Souta.**_

_**And now, please give a warm welcome to the man of honor, the one, the only, Inuyasha! **_

The spotlights swirl, everyone screaming excitedly. Realizing the spotlights have concentrated against the back of the room, everyone quickly turns in their seats, the large flat screen on stage providing a closer view for those sitting too far away to see clearly, as a man suddenly makes his presence known at the top of the center stairs. He's wearing loose-fitting white designer jeans with a metallic overlay that catches in the light, making them appear silver, like his shimmering, waist-length hair. A deep red long-sleeve silk shirt is worn untucked, the top two buttons undone with the collar pulled open to reveal the kotodama necklace hanging against bare skin. Perhaps the most unusual thing of all is a pair of flip-flop sandals that adorn his feet. A steady drumbeat begins reverberating through the sound system, and Inuyasha smirks, his right fang poking out as he nods to his adoring fans. Then, as he takes his first step descending the stairs, the music changes.

_**Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!**_

_**Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!**_

_**Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!**_

_**Who let the dogs out? **_

With a shake to his shoulders and sway to his hips, Inuyasha dances his way down towards the stage, winking to a few overly vivacious fangirls along the way. Seemingly laid back, and in no way apprehensive regarding what is about to happen, the inu-hanyou takes his seat, giving his last step a little bounce so that he hops up onto the chair, plopping himself down on its large cushion cross-legged. Crossing his arms, his expression clearly says 'Bring it on.'

The music fades out as the disembodied voice speaks up one last time.

_**And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to this evening's Roast Master, Miroku! **_

Joyous applause thunders loudly for a moment as the theater's main spotlight shifts to focus on the back of the stage, off to the right. Suddenly the curtain swooshes with movement, and out steps the evening's Roast Master, to an introductory theme song he had personally selected — a jaunty tune sung by a flirtatious male voice.

_**I've got something in my front pocket, for you. **_

_**Why don't you reach out in my pocket, and see what it is?**_

Laughter and cheers erupt as Miroku emerges from backstage, clad in a dark suit that makes him look incredibly handsome. He waves as he makes his way to the dais.

_**Then grab onto it, it's just for you.**_

_**Give it a little squeeze and say, "How do you do?"**_

Miroku reaches the podium at center-stage, and the noise of the crowd rises noticeably in pitch as the women swoon over his heart-stopping smile.

_**There's something in my front pocket,**_

_**There's something in my front pocket,**_

_**There's something in my front pocket!**_

"For you, baby." Miroku says smoothly with a wink and a devilish smirk. Hundreds of excited feminine shrieks can be heard, and more than a few jealous male glares are sent toward the amorous monk. But the upset doesn't last; the festive and joyous atmosphere inside the theater does not allow it. Everyone, male and female alike, knows this will be a very enjoyable evening.

"Thank you, thank you…" Miroku says as the applause finally winds down. "Oh, what a wonderful crowd we have here this evening! And it is with great pleasure that I welcome all of you to the Comedy Central Roast of Inuyasha!"

It takes another moment for the audience to settle themselves, while Miroku shuffles a few papers he has sitting in front of him on the podium. Turning to glance off to his right, Miroku gives a nod to his companions on the dais. Sitting forward on the off-white couch, from left to right from the audience's perspective, are Jakotsu, Kikyou, Sango and Kagome. Behind them and slightly elevated on the black barstools are Naraku, Kagura, Sesshoumaru and Kouga, with the fifth barstool reserved for himself. Turning his gaze towards his left, to the audience's right, Miroku's eyes sparkle with merriment as they lock with Inuyasha's deceivingly acquiescent gaze. The hanyou won't be so laid back for long.

"We're all here this evening to honor this man, Inuyasha." Miroku begins, gesturing to the hanyou. "What better way to honor someone who's loud, crude, childish and obnoxious than by lowering ourselves to mimic his level of intelligence. After all, imitation _is _the highest form of flattery, or so they say. But what do those bastards know? Feh!" Miroku finishes mockingly, earning a round of chuckles from the audience while the man of 'honor' cracks a half-grin himself, his confident demeanor still firmly in place.

"That's right, we're all here because of you, Inuyasha, much like how the police arrive on the scene of a crime-in-progress that needs to be stopped. I have a confession to make: this isn't really a roast, it's an intervention. _Please_ stop being such a baka; we all care about you."

As the audience laughs again, Miroku shifts his gaze to his adoring fans, as he momentarily speaks of the hanyou in the third-person as though the dog-eared individual in question were not still present, listening to his every word.

"I mean _seriously_, Inuyasha is such an idiot when it comes to certain things, I'm befuddled as to how he's managed to survive for as long as he has."

Turning to glance back in the hanyou's direction, Miroku seems almost apologetic as he asks, "Oh, I'm sorry, was that too big of a word for you? Let me explain; 'befuddled' means 'dumbfounded', as in, I've 'found' it 'dumb' how a man of your intelligence in _certain _areas can turn around and remain completely clueless in others. Yes, you're an incredible warrior; no one will dispute your strength in battle. Well, that's probably not true of this evening, but _I _shall not dispute your strength in battle, at any rate. Even when you go flying in half-cocked, you always somehow manage to emerge victorious.

"Now, if you could just learn to use the other half of your cock for activities more pleasurable than violence, my private time with Sango would stop having to be interrupted for she and Kagome to go have some 'girl talk' about why you haven't made a move on her yet. When I said I was befuddled as to how you've managed to survive for as long as you have, I wasn't referring to your unfortunate beginnings in life. Up until the moment Kikyou sealed you to the tree, your life is understandable. But what I find truly amazing is that you haven't yet angered Kagome to the point of 'Sitting' you into oblivion. How you've managed to stay alive after she released you from your seal is anyone's guess.

"Let's break this thing down logically, so we can establish just how much of an idiot you really are. You run off at Kikyou's beck and call, lost in the memory of what you _think_ was true love, despite the fact that she wanted to strip you of half of yourself. FYI, Inuyasha, a woman should only want to strip a man she loves of his clothing, not his lineage.

"And since her resurrection, Kikyou has drawn a dagger on you, attempted to drag you into Hell, and played the fence with aiding Naraku. Kagome, on the other hand, immediately and without question accepted you for your hanyou status, cried on your behalf when she feared you might die, and risked her own life on several occasions to ensure your safety. In return, do you show her any hint of the same devotion you offer Kikyou? No, you call her clumsy, and ugly, and insist that the only reason you need her around is to detect the jewel shards. While it's true that you mellowed out after a time and stopped being quite so cruel to Kagome, have you shown her any genuine level of affection? For crying out loud, man, the woman is in _love _with you!"

Shaking his head in disappointment, Miroku looks back out to the audience and murmurs "I swear, that hanyou has his head so far up his ass he needs to use Preparation H on his acne."

The audience laughs as Miroku turns to the next page of his notes, one that will have him change his approach drastically.

"What are we going to do with you, Inuyasha?" he asks rhetorically. "You have _two _women in your life, and yet you're _still _a virgin. It would make sense if you were saving yourself for Kagome, if there was any indication that you actually planned on claiming that prize any time in the near future. But let's face it, you just don't have the balls to stick to it Kagome.

"You're probably terrified that you'd lose whatever balls you do have if you made a move, and I can't say I blame you on that one, considering the miko's unpredictable temper. But it's got to be tough to go against your very nature like that. I mean, you _are _a dog, after all, and dogs chase pussy, do they not? If you _have _been chasing it, then you're not very good at catching it. I wonder if you would even know what to do with it if you did catch it. Probably charge in half-cocked like you always do, although that wouldn't work very well in that situation. You'd want to use your whole cock, trust me, and save the 'charging' for the battlefield. This is one arena you'd want to conquer slowly and sensually.

"But while we're on the subject of charging into battle, maybe that life-endangering character flaw of yours can be excused as a family trait. After all, while I'm sure the mighty Lord Sesshoumaru would have us believe that he is above falling victim to his own fervid emotions, we have all borne witness to the extreme levels of agitation you repeatedly manage to bring out in him. You and your brother have gone tooth and nail in your battles, both figuratively and literally, more times than I can count. You're just lucky that dogfights aren't illegal in most of Japan, although you could probably even get away with it here in the States and nobody would stop you. You two are so hopeless that even PETA wouldn't bother trying to save you. They'd just shrug and say 'Eh, let 'em fight.'

"But all joking aside, you two are family, and you have no idea how lucky you are, Inuyasha, to still have family of any kind."

Addressing the audience with a look of sincerity in his eyes, Miroku continues.

"I had thought I would remain alone after my father's passing, but now I am proud to call each and every one of you the family of my heart. Yes, even you, Inuyasha. As dysfunctional as our little group may be, at least we have each other. We are quite the collection of misfits, aren't we? Rumiko did our series proud. An ill-tempered, hotheaded leader who thinks that _thinking _is a waste of time when there are asses in need of kicking. A time-traveling leading lady who goes through more emotions in one day than McDonald's goes through napkins. Supporting male role…? I admit it, my hands do more 'supporting' of their own than is probably healthy, a comical polar opposite to Inuyasha's stand-offish behavior. Sango? My lovely, contrasting Sango…her prowess in battle is the perfect balance to Kagome's inexperience. And that ass…" he says admiringly, trailing off as his fingers twitch. Miroku is momentarily lost in thought before he grins at the camera.

"But I digress. Of course then there's Shippou, the orphaned child, often another source of comic relief. Besides these people, we have the main evil villain, who is always so hard to kill. We end up fighting lesser bad guys but never succeed in putting a stop to the main source of destruction. A variety of different love antagonists exist for our leading characters, while the issues between Sango and myself remain solely between the two of us, offering yet even more variety and contrast. Then there's Kaede, Totosai and Myouga, the wise old voices of wisdom and knowledge, always showing up at the most opportune of moments. Of course, no storyline would be complete without an underlying concept for why the entire thing is even a story to begin with, and thus we have the Shikon no Tama, an ingenious creation if ever there was one.

"It's hard to believe that Rumiko didn't even have a finalized direction in mind when she first started our manga back in 1996, coming up with many of our _new developments _on the fly, but as some reasonably well-known fanfiction authors have also experienced, sometimes, great stories simply have a way of writing themselves.

"But you know, as wonderful as our story is, I always thought the series was missing something…a whore! I mean sure, Kagome wears that short skirt, and my beautiful Sango shows off every lovely curve of hers in that marvelous slayer outfit, but the series has always lacked a dirty, shameless slut. The only person who even came close was Yura of the Hair, and we had her for like what, two episodes? And I wasn't even around then! If I were, I would have tamed that sexy little minx; her new name would have been 'Yura of Miroku's Cock.'"

Out in the audience, Yura crinkles her nose in disgust. As the rest of the audience laughs, Kagome places a reassuring hand on Sango's leg. The slayer glances her way, sending her friend a reassuring smile before gazing past the miko to the man at the podium. Miroku continues.

"But while we don't have a whore, we _do _have a tease, which in this monk's humble opinion is a thousand times worse. Honestly, Kagome, what are you thinking, traipsing around Feudal Japan in that naughty little sailor fuku? Not that I'm complaining…and people call _me _a pervert. I humbly bow to whoever came up with the idea of dressing up Japanese schoolgirls in such revealing little outfits. Now, I realize you can't be held accountable for what you were wearing the first time you were dragged down the well, but after that, if you were going to keep on coming back to participate in such an important and dangerous mission, wouldn't you think a change of wardrobe might be in order? Then again, you probably can't take all of the blame yourself for that, either; your entire family has to be a little bit off, if you think about it. I mean, what kind of a mother lets her fifteen-year-old daughter go gallivanting five hundred years in the past where there are bandits and demons? And _if _you're going to allow your daughter to accept such a karmic destiny, then _at least _put her in some decent clothing, for kami's sake!"

At Miroku's words, one of the secondary spotlights pans out over the audience, settling over a surprised and offended Mrs. Higurashi. Knowing she's on camera, the elder Higurashi woman displays proper decorum by peacefully remaining seated, though anyone who knows her can tell from her expression that she's none-too-pleased. Up on the stage, Kagome's eyes widen in horror at the discovery of her mother's presence in the audience, the miko having had no idea that her mother had actually decided to accept the invitation to tonight's event.

Unfazed by the brief moment of awkward silence between mother and daughter, Miroku continues with his routine, his comments once again directed towards the future-born miko herself.

"But I must say, your clothing isn't really the issue here. Personally, I find your choice of attire rather entertaining. It's only that your personality so vastly contradicts what one would assume from such an ensemble, hence the well-deserved title of 'Tease.' You skip around in that nosebleed-inducing excuse for a kimono as if you honestly have no idea just how incredibly sexy you really are, and then when someone _does _compliment you, you get all embarrassed and label them a pervert. Yet you get just as upset if a certain somebody denies you're attractive, instead. Make up your mind! If Inuyasha hints that he thinks you're sexy you accuse him of being indecent, and if he denies it then you accuse him of still loving Kikyou. Do you PMS every day of the month? Your _mood_ swings back and forth more times than a pendulum! It's always so hot and cold with you, it's no wonder Inuyasha can't get his head out of his ass. We _know _you're not pregnant, so you don't have _that _excuse.

"There are just so many mixed signals with you! If you were a traffic light, there would be an 879-car pileup right under you. You wear that skimpy skirt, you like to hold his hand, you let him carry you on his back; those are things that say to a guy, 'Hey, I like you.' But then you yell at him, slam his face into the dirt, and get all flustered when he shows the slightest bit of affection. Those are things that tell him, 'I'd rather DIE than sleep with you, mother fucker!'"

As Miroku pauses in his tirade, most of the audience is laughing, along with half of the dais, though some people are openly surprised by the monk's foul language. But hey, this is a roast, after all. When in Rome…

Over on the dais, Kagome is still hung up on the fact that her mother is in the audience, making Miroku's words ten-times more embarrassing.

"Although…" the monk continues then, "I suppose I really shouldn't be so biased, considering you are not the only lead female on the show who reacts with hostility as a means of concealing her true desires."

Glancing to where the girls are sitting over on the sofa to his right, Miroku meets Kagome's eyes for only a moment before shifting his gaze to settle on Sango's startled orbs. The slayer blushes a bit at the intensity of his stare.

Offering his love a quick wink, Miroku continues.

"That's right, Kagome's not the only one sending out the 'I'd rather die than sleep with you!' signal, though you don't have me fooled in the slightest, Sango. Haven't you ever caught on to the fact that I grope you on purpose, because I love seeing you get so flustered? Sure, you may scream 'Hentai!' and slap me, but if you think I haven't noticed how you also blush once you look away, then you're sadly mistaken."

Flushing darker at his words, Sango does her best to sink into her seat.

"There have been times when I've groped you that you've secretly smiled, relieved, _happy _even to know that I was still attracted to you, like that could ever come into serious question. But the fact remains, you were _glad _that I'd done it; you were glad to know that I wanted you, because _you _want _me_. I am a very patient man, Sango; it comes with the robes. I knew it was only a matter of time before I wore down your defenses and you agreed to be mine, and now look, the two of us are living happily in Kaede's village with our children. Is it everything you'd hoped it would be? For me, it's ten times better."

As the audience _Awww's_, Miroku takes a moment to adopt a more serious expression.

"And while we're on the subject of the elderly miko, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Kaede was, in fact, supposed to be here with us this evening, but earlier this afternoon we got the unfortunate news that she passed on."

As everyone in attendance stares at him in shock, Miroku smirks.

"Now, don't get me wrong. Kaede's perfectly healthy; she just passed on her invitation to come here this evening. She may only have one eye, but even she could see where a night like this was bound to lead."

As the audience laughs, Miroku takes a moment to glance back towards the dais, his eyes skimming over the couch to Kagome and Sango, before finally settling on the third female roaster, and second miko, sitting on Sango's right. Locking eyes with the undead priestess for a moment, Miroku then turns back to the audience.

"And speaking of family, if Kaede is included in my list then I suppose I should also include Kikyou as more than just Kagome's adversary. Though I'm unsure what other role she should play, since despite Kaede's grandmotherly position in the inu-tachi, she is technically Kikyou's _younger _sister. I suppose the 'family ghost' is as accurate a title as any. Believe it or not, I actually have a lot of respect for the Lady Kikyou, but it's really hard to defend her actions at the beginning of the series. She pretty much became a villain by challenging Kagome and becoming the main love antagonist. I think people would like Kikyou more if she were ugly. She's simply too beautiful for her own good. I mean if I was single, and she was alive, I would totally tap that."

Out in the audience, a mild debate can be heard amongst the Kikyou fans versus Kikyou-haters, though most of the warm-blooded males in attendance agree with Miroku's assessment. Over on the dais, the miko in question is doing her best to appear unaffected by the monk's words, while Sango is wearing one of her trademark secret smiles over the fact that Miroku actually threw 'if I were single' into his line. On the other side of the stage, Inuyasha is frowning, his hands tightly gripping the armrests of his chair. While the hanyou is hardly in a position to disagree with Miroku – that would be calling Kikyou unattractive, which is not acceptable, never mind the fact that he would have no problem telling her reincarnation such a lie – Inuyasha is undeniably flustered by the idea of Miroku saying anything _sexual _about his first love. Noticing this instant reaction in the hanyou, Miroku merely smirks before leaning back into the microphone.

"Let's face it, Lady Kikyou is officially the hottest dead person you will ever see," he adds, fanning the fire under Inuyasha's Hot Seat. "Although," he adds then, "when it comes to female villains who gradually turn into good-guys, there's another contender who ranks pretty high on the sex-o-meter."

Pausing once more, Miroku glances back over towards his fellow roasters, his violet eyes this time locking on a pair of surprised crimson orbs.

"Kagura, Kagura, Kagura…"

Shaking his head, Miroku's smirk turns serious for just a moment.

"I might've been interested in you, too, if you weren't a detachment of Naraku. Now, I'm not saying that being congealed from his flesh makes you a man in my eyes, especially since he isn't really much of a man to begin with, but it certainly doesn't help your case. While you are notably beautiful, and you certainly _appear _to beall woman, let us not forget that Naraku himself possesses the ability to transform his body into that of a female. How are we not to say that you are not simply a representative of his own female ruse? If there is one thing I have learned in my pursuit of the feminine form, it's that looks can be deceiving, and regardless of what some of my fans like to fantasize about, this Miroku is definitely a _lady's _man, through and through. But your questionable origins aren't the only reason I'm not interested, and even though I'm not attracted to you, I do feel sorry for you. I mean, you're a slave to a maniacal, tentacle-wielding bad guy. That's the plot of every seedy, tentacle rape H-movie out there."

Shifting his gaze to the tentacle-wielding bad guy in question, Miroku's brows lower in consternation as he scolds, "And Naraku, you should be ashamed of yourself."

The twinkle in his eyes returns quickly.

"Has anybody ever asked you why your first incarnation was a beautiful woman? Just because that Musashi district court judge acquitted you because it was 'masturbation' doesn't mean it isn't wrong. Everyone knows you bribed the judge, anyway. And just why is Kagura betraying you, really? Probably because you didn't satisfy her. No, she prefers dog meat. You'd think that with as crafty as you got to be with your chunk of the jewel, you would have been able to create at least _one _loyal incarnation, but we all know the ones who never betrayed you were simply taken out before they were given the chance. Even beings you manipulated into working with you by offering up the power of a jewel shard or three never stayed loyal to you for very long. It's just unfortunate that none of them had the power to successfully take you out. If I were given the chance to choose who amongst your supposed comrades was to be the one to kill you, I think I would pick Jakotsu. Tentacles versus a snake-sword would certainly be an entertaining match, perhaps even worthy of betting money on. Jakotsu may be human, but his bloodlust easily outranks the most vicious of youkai."

Over on the couch, said mercenary has a contemplative look on his face at Miroku's words, while sitting behind him on the left-most barstool, Naraku looks thoroughly amused at the absurdity of suggesting a mere mortal could actually take him out.

"Now, there are a lot of perverted, twisted ways a man can get off in this world. I would know; I've tried many of them. But slowly slicing someone into little pieces? That has to take the cake. Why can't you be a normal homosexual, instead of a homicidal one? I think we might need to invent a new term for people like you: homo-icidal. Though on second thought, I take that back, because I seriously doubt there are other people like you, or I at least sure _hope _there aren't. Sesshoumaru comes close when it comes to bloodlust, although with the demon lord it's clear that that's the _only _type of lust he feels. Sesshoumaru is definitely another character I really have a problem with. He may be the second most desirable male on the show, after yours truly, and by far the most desirable full youkai…"

Over on the dais, Kouga can be heard snorting to himself.

"…but Sesshoumaru, you're wasting your natural talent!" Miroku continues unfazed. "You could probably have your pick of the most beautiful and foxy demonesses out there, even with only one arm! And yet, instead of a gorgeous vixen, you choose a little toad-man who utterly worships you. Should I read something into that or is there a good reason as to why you have no interest in women? Perhaps you're more like Jakotsu than I originally thought."

Over on the dais, Kouga tries his best to nonchalantly shift himself further away from the daiyoukai as a subsonic growl the humans can't hear vibrates deeply in his chest.

"Or on second thought, I stand corrected. I forgot that there is _one _woman with whom you show a moderate amount of interest, although perhaps 'woman' isn't the correct term. Just what, exactly, are you doing with that little girl, Sesshoumaru? And people say _I'm _a pervert. The way I see it, the fact that there isn't at least one gorgeous youkai female hanging off your shoulder at all times means that you're biding your time before making a move with the female you already have. Though then again, considering your supposed disgust with your father for favoring a human woman, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you really _are_ into guys."

Chuckling to himself, Miroku glances out over the audience before adding, "I think I just disappointed about half of your fan base, though the other half is very excited at the good news. And speaking of disappointing fan bases…"

Turning, Miroku smirks at his companions on the dais, his comment clearly intending to reflect the disappointing _number_ of one's fans.

"Allow me to introduce our first roaster, who has left absolutely _no_ doubt as to which gender _he_ prefers. He's not without his faults, as I'm sure the other roasters will point out, but in terms of chasing tail, he and I are kindred spirits. Please welcome Kouga!"

As the audience erupts in applause, the spotlight swivels to Kouga's position on the fourth barstool, which just happens to be placed almost directly behind Kagome. Grinning into the camera as his enlarged visage appears on the monitor behind him, Kouga truly is a sight to see, dressed in tight fitting blue denim with a polished white stretch muscle shirt concealing none of his flawless physique. Instead of up in his traditional ponytail, his hair is down and free-flowing, giving him the classic appearance of a lover on the cover of a romance novel. As a funky, almost pornographic jazz beat begins flowing through the speakers, he nods in brief acknowledgment to the monk who takes his seat on the last barstool, closest to center stage, before slowly rising to his feet. Sending a devilish smirk Kagome's way as the tempo of his chosen song picks up, Kouga takes his first, swag step towards the microphone, as Isaac Hayes' smooth baritone fills the air.

_**I'm gonna make love to ya, woman,**_

_**Gonna lay ya down by the fire,**_

_**And caress your womanly body,**_

_**Make ya moan and perspire.**_

Turning back towards the dais, Kouga locks eyes with Kagome, who blushes despite herself at the intensity of his stare. Over in the Hot Seat, Inuyasha's eyes are burning with a different type of intensity.

Sending a knowing smirk the hanyou's way, Kouga completes his cool stride as his song reaches the end.

_**Gonna get those juices flowin'.**_

_**We're makin' love gravy, love gravy,**_

_**Love love love love love GRAVY!**_

As the music comes to an abrupt stop the audience once again erupts in applause, which Kouga soaks up greedily, waving to his adoring fans as though he is accepting an award.

A wolfish grin appears on Kouga's already smug visage as he glances out over the full crowd present this evening. He leans slightly over the microphone on the podium before him and shouts out, "Thank you!"

Despite his implied lack of fans in comparison to some of the other characters, the crowd goes wild once again at Kouga's words. Soaking up the attention, the wolf-youkai doesn't notice the way his fellow roasters roll their eyes. Finally, as the audience starts to settle down, Kouga decides to get down to business, as he turns to first address the man who'd until only recently held his place in the spotlight.

"You think we're 'kindred spirits,' eh monk? Not likely. First of all, I only chase _one_ woman. Earlier you said you wished the series had a whore, but I think you're overlooking something. The series _does _have a whore, and it's _you!"_

Covering their mouths with their hands, the women on stage try to conceal their giggles, while Miroku merely shrugs, taking the comment in stride.

"Although, the more I think about it…" Kouga continues then, "A person is only a whore if they're _actually _sleeping around with a bunch of other people, so you know what, monk, you're right after all, the series doesn't have a whore. I mean, how many women have you chased after, and yet you still get no pussy? That's worse than sitting at home masturbating every day!"

Shifting his gaze so that he's addressing the audience directly, he continues.

"At least the Internet porn addict doesn't strike out every time he gets up to the plate. He's batting 1.000! Miroku is batting 0.016…the one time he gave his cousin Ichirou a hand job _does_ count. Now as for myself, while I may be celibate, it's by _choice_. I could have any woman I wanted, but I'm saving myself for my one true love. See, monk, there's this little thing some of us guys like to call honor," Kouga states as he shifts his gaze back to the houshi once more.

"Not that I suppose you're really without any honor, considering you never _get _anywhere with all your womanizing. Masturbation is certainly not a crime. Then again, with you it might be, considering that magic little pocket you used to have in the palm of your hand. Did you ever wonder what was on the other side of your wind tunnel when you masturbated with it? It could've just been an empty void, but what if it wasn't? What if it was a day care center? All the kids waited with bated breath to see the magical ding-dong appear in the wall at precisely 3:32 pm Monday through Saturday and twice on Sunday. Or what if it was just a forest or something? That might not've been immoral, but you're damn sure lucky one of the demons you sucked in didn't bite off your dick!"

Over on the dais, the other roasters are having a harder time controlling themselves, while Miroku is starting to look a little pale, his eyes wide.

"Maybe you should just marry your right hand, because let's face it, you'll never get a woman into bed. The trouble is figuring out how your hand could bear you an heir. Let's see, you could cut a new hole in your palm and ejaculate inside it. If that doesn't work, maybe you could get Naraku to teach you how to _congeal_ one. It would look just like its mother, and you could name it Righty Jr. Then you would have three sets of fingers for when you pleasured yourself: one for your cock, one to choke yourself, and the other to stick up your ass."

Chuckling to himself, Kouga shakes his head, suddenly adopting a rather serious expression.

"Of course, all kidding aside, the kazaana was really no laughing matter. But what I never understood was all the angst brought on by never knowing when it might end your life. I mean, if it was really _that _big of a deal, then why not just cut off the damn arm? Sure the fuck beats getting sucked up into nothingness! I'm sure Mutt-face could've help you out in that department, right Sesshoumaru?"

Turning to address the daiyoukai personally, Kouga's smirk is firmly in place as he continues.

"Did you really get your arm chopped off by Inuyasha? That guy, over there? The one who routinely gets tricked by children a fraction of his age and twice his intellect? The one who has shoved his foot in his mouth so many times he has Athlete's Foot on his tongue and oral herpes on his foot? – blame Miroku for _that _one. The guy who loves the taste of dirt so much that you can't walk half a mile in Musashi without seeing an imprint of his face? _That _Inuyasha? Wow…you suck, Sesshoumaru."

To Kouga's left, the man of honor actually cracks a smile, despite the insults directed towards himself, while over on the dais, the daiyoukai's eyes narrow dangerously.

Seeing this, Kagura is quick to come to Sesshoumaru's defense as she shouts out, "Hey, don't forget _you _almost lost an arm to Inuyasha, yourself!"

Unfazed by the attempted rebuttal, Kouga sends a grateful smile Kagome's way as he purrs, "But my beautiful miko saved me from that fate."

Flushing slightly, Kagome averts her gaze from the now frowning Inuyasha, not wanting to get dragged into the middle of anything. Kouga is quick to recover as he taps his notes on the podium, getting back to his verbal assault on the hanyou's older brother.

"But seriously, Sesshoumaru, you may act all 'high and mighty', but when it really boils down to it, you're no different from the rest of us. You're just as capable of underestimating the power of your enemies. None of us here have forgotten the time _you _were tricked by Naraku, when he gave you that human arm so that you could hold Tetsusaiga without getting zapped. You claim to have no interest in the power of the jewel shards, but one of those buggers sure seemed to come in handy right then, didn't it? At least until it almost possessed you. Then there was the time you tried to smash Tetsusaiga with that 'borrowed' dragon arm of yours. What was _that_ all about? If you can't have it, then no one can? _Real _mature. And then there you went underestimating Dog-shit, _again_. Hell, even _I _know to get the fuck outta dodge when he whips out that damn sword of his. As they say, he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. I could totally take him if it weren't for Tetsusaiga, so in a way it's kinda cheating since the power ain't really his own, but he's got control of it regardless. You almost bought it when he Kaze no Kizu'd your ass. You're just lucky he didn't really give it his all. That's right, Sesshoumaru, you're alive today because Inuyasha _spared _you."

Sighing to himself, Kouga shakes his head before continuing.

"And just think, if it weren't for Mutt-face nearly killing you, then you never would've met that little human ward of yours. I suppose you owe your brother for that one, though why you're so fond of that ningen child, I haven't a clue. I've tried to think of a legitimate reason for you to keep a human girl around for as long as you have, but I just can't find one. She slows you down, requires food and water on a daily basis, and periodically needs to be rescued. More than once your enemies have used her and turned her into your weakness, and yet you still failed to drop her butt off at the nearest human settlement. You clearly want her around, despite the inconveniences, so that has me wondering…are you a pedophile?"

Glancing away from the daiyoukai to the wind witch sitting beside him, Kouga gestures to the kaze-youkai with a wave of his hand.

"The only real evidence against it is your juvenile, pussyfooting relationship with Kagura. Though I can't believe you're even willing to be in the same room as her after she kidnapped Rin, let alone show her any remote amount of compassion. But then again, everyone seems to be fairly eager to forgive the wind bitch all her wrongdoings with a flutter of her fan and an innocently mumbled 'Naraku made me do it.'"

Locking eyes with the wind-youkai in question, Kouga visibly shudders, before stating in a serious tone, "Kagura, of all of the vile, deceitful, most gruesome things you have ever done in your short life, being openly attracted to the mutt's brother is by _far _the most 'befuddling,' as Miroku so helpfully defined for us when he decided we were all idiots. But seriously, Kagura, what the hell are you thinking?"

Over in the chair of honor, Inuyasha smirks at this, while Kagura narrows her own eyes at the wolf-youkai.

"I get that in a way you're just a puppet with Naraku pulling your strings, however unwilling you might be, but you've shown us time and time again that you also have a mind of your own. Don't think I'll forget what you did to my pack. Even if you were 'just following orders,' their blood is still on _your _hands. I can't believe you fucking turned _good guy _at the end and everybody was so quick to forgive and forget! How is that fucking fair? You slaughtered my people! You've tried to kill Kagome and her friends! And now I'm supposed to feel _sorry_ for you?I don't fucking think so. Bottom line, bitch: you're a detachment of Naraku, and no part of _that _ass-wipe deserves my pity. He's a cruel, sadistic egomaniac more in love with his own 'ingenious' twisted and diabolical schemes than the thought of actually achieving anything besides the bloodshed of innocent bystanders. He isn't even that good at being a bad guy! How often did he actually, successfully kill off any of his main enemies? You know what they say…when everything is said and done, usually more is _said _than _done_."

Shifting his gaze further left, to Kagura's right, Kouga sneers at the dark hanyou in question.

"Tell me something, Naraku, why do you fucking talk so much? You must be the stupidest villain in the history of villainy! This show could've ended in season one if you weren't such a pussy! Why didn't you just kill Dog-shit and get it over with, you sick bastard? You could've easily killed Mutt-face by now, and then I could've taken Kagome to 'bear my children,' as someone might say. I mean hell, I might not like the dog, but _nobody _deserves the kind of shit _you've_ pulled. You're like a puppet-master, shoving your hand up the asses of all of your minions. Now, whether that's literal or figurative, you'd have to ask them…"

Gazing back to the incarnation sitting to Naraku's left, Kouga's eyes soften just the tiniest bit.

"Tell you what, Kagura, if you want to make it up to me, how about using that 'Dance of the Dead' voodoo of yours on a certain undead priestess? Kikyou obviously isn't doing a good enough job of keeping Dog-shit's attention all by herself. How about making her a little more…lively, if you'll pardon the pun? With Dog-breath finally out of the way…"

Letting his words trail off, Kouga suggestively waggles his eyebrows in Kagome's direction. Then panning his eyes left two women over, the wolf skims over Sango to the undead miko in question, an involuntary shudder running through him.

"Honestly, Kikyou, I have _no _idea what the mutt sees in you, though as long as it keeps him away from _my _Kagome, then I'm all for it. But you gotta help me out here; inquiring minds want to know. Sometimes you hear the expression 'turn on a stone,' which is naturally assumed to be difficult, right? But what about clay and graveyard soil? So Kikyou, tell us, how do you turn on a dead person? And what do we get if we successfully moisten your cave? Will it feel like robbing the grave if I fuck you? Something other than actual intercourse sounds more pleasant, but I don't think I want a 'dirt job.'"

Over on the couch, Kikyou's eyes narrow to dangerous slits as she sends a seething glare towards her reincarnation, as though Kouga's words were actually _her _fault. Sweat-dropping at being caught chuckling at the wolf's remarks, Kagome is only grateful that Sango is sitting between herself and her preincarnation. Meanwhile, Inuyasha looks about ready to leap from his seat and strangle the wolf for his words, though no one can miss the brief flash of curiosity that passes over his eyes, as if he is truly pondering Kouga's statement.

Ignoring both Kikyou and Inuyasha's reactions to his words, Kouga once again shifts his focus to Kagome.

"I sometimes find it hard to believe that you are actually her reincarnation, though I suppose the expression 'practice makes perfect' could be applied here. Even the gods can't possibly get everything – or _anything_, in this case – right on the first try. There is truly no comparison between the two of you, aside from some minor physical similarities. Just think, Kagome, in twenty years you'll either look like Kikyou or your mom. Personally, I'd choose Mrs. Higurashi; she's a MILF if ever I've seen one."

At Kouga's words, the MILF in question is once again targeted by one of the secondary spotlights. Blushing despite herself, Mrs. Higurashi's face is locked in a classic mix of flattery and embarrassment, while Kagome tries to slip further into the couch cushions.

"Kikyou is a MILF, too…" Kouga continues without missing a beat. "As in: 'Man, I'll Let you go First…Makes Igor Look Fuckable…Masturbation Is Looking Fantastic…Marijuana, Ice or LSD First…My Irises Like Fork, as in – I'd rather gouge my eyes out than see you naked!"

Once again locking eyes with the undead miko for a moment, Kouga adds, "I could go on with those forever, but I think you get my point." Then gazing back out over the audience, he curls up the edges of his lips in a smooth smile.

"Kagome is like a bottle of 1970 Domaine Romanée-Conti. Oh, yeah, gooooooooood stuff. Kikyou is like prune juice. One look at that freakin' scary mug cures constipation in an instant! Kagome is a beautiful rose, grown with tender and loving care in a porcelian pot. Kikyou is the bouquet from last Valentine's Day you find in the city dump. Half decomposed and smelling like compost. Kagome is a gorgeously groomed poodle. Kikyou is the ugly-ass komodor that got left in the car for too long. Yeah, he's dead. Stick a pole in him and you have the perfect mop. Stick a pole in Kikyou and you have the perfect scarecrow!"

The audience's reaction is mixed as Kouga finally pauses in his Kikyou-bashing. All of the Kikyou-haters in attendance are going crazy with laughter while the Kikyou-sympathizers are wearing bored expressions, waiting for the ookami to move on. They don't have long to wait, as the wolf-youkai shifts his attention away from the undead priestess and towards the second undead individual on the dais.

"Of course, when it comes to walking corpses, I can think of a few people a _hell_ of a lot creepier than the kami's failed first-attempt at perfection. Seven people, in fact…"

Visibly shuddering, Kouga takes a moment to gather himself before his smug look is firmly back in place.

"I guess why use Kagura's 'Dance of the Dead' to control a bunch of corpses like marionettes if a few jewel shards are all that's needed to reconnect body and soul, am I right? But from what I'd heard, the infamous Shichinin-tai were truly a force to be reckoned with. After meeting them in person, they're not so scary. Creepy and disgusting, yes, but not scary. After all, if Mutt-face can take 'em out, then they can't be _that _dangerous, and the guy I fought certainly didn't put up that much of a fight.

"I wonder how the seven of them got together in the first place. Did Bankotsu have an ad out in the personals? 'Wanted: Six men to help me pillage and rape the countryside?' And were they always a group of seven? Lucky number seven? Or did they pick up additional members along the way, like the inu-tachi did? What was up with _that, _anyway? The inu-tachi, I mean. 'Your life was ruined by Naraku, too? Well, then come and join us!' Heh, do you guys travel down the road skipping and singing 'We're off to slay Naraku'? But now that I think about it, one 'Wizard of OZ' parody with you lot is bad enough, so we definitely don't need two, even if the Band of Seven also formed one member at a time. Though when I think about those guys, it really isn't a 'Wizard of OZ' parody that comes to mind, anyway. More like 'Snow White'…"

Pausing, Kouga allows a moment for his words to sink in.

"I mean think about it, _truly _think about it. Seven men, each who could function as the poster-child for diversity with their physical and/or mental issues, traveling and working together as one big family, despite having no actual blood relation to one another."

Scanning the audience for where the rest of the Shichinin-tai are seated, Kouga grins.

"When you guys head out in the morning, do you sing that song? You know – 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to murder we go!'" Kouga sings animatedly, adding a quick "Slash maim kill smash stab chop slay die!" to the tune of the whistle. "Hi ho!"

Pausing with a finger on his chin, the wolf looks thoughtful as he takes a moment to allow the laughter to quiet down. "Hmmm…I'm sure I've heard Bankotsu say 'Hi ho' at least once, but then again he was probably just talking to Jakotsu," he adds, turning to lock eyes for a moment with the single Band of Seven member who's also currently a member of the dais. Kouga smirks.

"What do you think, Jakotsu? Are you guys like the Seven Dwarfs? Let's review the required credentials, shall we? Short - Well, one of you is. Check. Round - Again, one of you is. Check. One of you is borderline retarded - If you have a guy who can only say 'Gesh', then that counts. Check. One of you is a grouchy, world-hating bastard - Yep, that's Renkotsu for you. Check. Let's see, what else… The leader of the group is the only one without a major physical or mental defect - Yup. Check. One of you is really shy - Well, I guess Suikotsu qualifies here, because he tries very hard to hide is evil half. Check. One of you is a very happy, jolly person - That's you all the way, Jak. Check. Hmmm…Sleepy and Sneezy are hard to find analogies for..."

Turning to address the audience, Kouga adds, "Eh, fuck it, you get the idea. So yes, you guys are pretty similar to the Seven Dwarfs. I wonder what your 'Dwarf names' would be? Kyoukotsu could be 'Hulky', Renkotsu could be 'Pyro', Mukotsu would probably just be called 'Ugly', 'Tank' would be a good name for Ginkotsu, Suikotsu could be 'Crazy' and by that same token Bankotsu would be 'Normal.' That only leaves one Dwarf; we can't forget about our dear friend 'Homo,' now can we?"

Turning to meet Jakotsu's eyes once more, Kouga is surprised to see that the mercenary is not angry. Instead, he seems to be contemplating the new nickname, not really caring that the rest of the Shichinin-tai received less-than-flattering ones. The ookami is not pleased.

"Seriously, Jak, I just don't get you. And it's not the fact that you're gay. I mean, if you were horny for a really attractive guy – like say, me – then I'd understand. But _Inuyasha?_ What exactly do you _see_ in him? He's got animal ears, hair the color of an old woman's, and a fashion sense more deficient than Yura's sense of propriety. Yeah, that's right, hair bitch, I didn't forget about you. I think Takahashi was looking for a hook at the beginning of the story, and a half dressed hussy with a severe hair fetish…well, I guess that was it.

"But back to Inuyasha, I'll ask you again. What _do_ you see in him, Jak? He dresses like a colorblind toddler. All red, Inuyasha? Really? Two colors would've been too many? Kami, the only thing that would make you look more like a skid mark would be if your little uniform was brown instead of red. Honestly, Jak, as much as you love Inuyasha, it must be _torture_ for you to be in my presence. Since I'm ten times more attractive than the hanyou, you must be ten times more attracted to me, right? Although, maybe in thinking that I'm assuming your mind isn't fucked up beyond repair already, and I'm not sure I want to make that assumption. It doesn't really matter. I'm sorry, Jak, but you'll just have to get over me. I'm a one-_woman_ man. Right, Kagome?" Kouga finishes with a wink sent back in the miko's direction.

He isn't really expecting a reply, and is therefore caught off guard when the miko suddenly shouts back, "Yeah right! If that's true, then why are you chasing _me _around when you already have Ayame?"

Kouga blanches, some of the color draining from his face.

"L-leave her out of this!" he yells back, flustered. "She's not even a real character!"

Suddenly, the spotlights swivel back out into the audience, revealing a very real-looking woman who's just jumped from her seat; a woman with fiery red hair and smoldering green eyes.

"Hey! I am so real!"

Kouga pales even more at her declaration, having had no idea the she-wolf would be in attendance.

"S-shut up, you! Go sit back down!" he bellows.

"Oh, so you think I'm going to take orders from you? Not likely, you unfaithful bastard!"

"Who's unfaithful? Whatever I may or may not have promised you, it was when you were a _kid_. You were still picking your nose and playing with dollies when I told you whatever I told you!"

"So what? You still said it. An _honorable_ man would keep to his word!"

"Whatever. It doesn't even matter, because it only happened in the anime, and therefore doesn't count."

"WHAT? So you're gonna dismiss how we got together at the end of the anime, too?"

"Hell yes I am! That wasn't even me! The studio had to hire a stand-in to do that scene."

"Or maybe they just lost your phone number because you hadn't appeared in an episode for so long."

The audience 'oohs' at the she-wolf's zing, and for a moment a victorious smirk appears on Ayame's features, but Kouga is quick to respond.

"At least I'm not just a lowly anime fill-in character! You know what, you shouldn't even be here. This roast is for manga characters _only_."

Ayame's fists clench at her sides in righteous indignation, but she doesn't really have an argument against Kouga's statement. The problem in her eyes goes right up through Comedy Central back to the original anime producers, and even to Rumiko Takahashi herself.

"Fine, I'll leave! But someday you'll regret discriminating against anime-only characters. There are more of us than you realize, and one day we will rise up together and overthrow your manga-ocracy and make you our slaves!"

Everyone on the dais laughs heartily at the she-wolf's 'threat'. Angered and embarrassed, Ayame storms out the nearest emergency exit, unwilling to stay in the audience after all that, as she leaves with as much dignity as she can muster, grumbling under her breath about the injustice of it all. It takes the male ookami several seconds to realize that all eyes are once again on him, and clearing his throat awkwardly, Kouga picks up his notes and taps them against the podium, his smooth demeanor thoroughly ruffled.

"I…uh…" he rambles, his concentration shattered. Clearing his throat again, the wolf takes a brief moment to skim over his routine before getting back on the proverbial horse.

"W-well…like I was saying before I was so _rudely _interrupted, I'm a one-woman man, unlike a certain 'houshi' I can think of…" Kouga begins, bringing things back around to Miroku again.

"Although, now that I think about it, I stand corrected…"

Turning to meet Miroku's gaze head on, Kouga's smirk of superiority is back in place as he observes, "You finally did it."

The look in Kouga's eyes shifts to one of utter amazement.

"You've got to tell us how… _How _in all the hells did you _actually _get Sango to agree to be yours? The world must be coming to an end!"

As the audience laughs while Miroku adopts his own smug expression, it's Sango's turn to blush from her place on the sofa.

"Seriously, though, you two are perfect for each other." Kouga continues then, addressing both the slayer and monk together. "Miroku needs someone to slap him around and keep him in line, and Sango is a sadist who needs someone _to _slap around. It's a match made in Pervert's Heaven! Though you know...now that I think about it, your whole group is full of sadists and masochists…"

Kouga shifts his eyes in Kagome's direction once more.

"Kagome, baby, you know I love you, but Miroku was right about your temper. Not that I really mind it all that much if you wanna slam the mutt's face into the dirt. It's not like he doesn't deserve it. It actually makes me laugh…and I can't help but wonder, if you had accidentally said 'Shit' instead of 'Sit' that first time, would Dog-turd crap himself every time you activate the rosary?"

Chuckling a little to himself at his own joke, Kouga finally turns and matches gazes with the man of honor.

"You know, Mutt-face, for the longest time I wondered why even someone as stupid as you got 'Sat' as often as you did. Then one day it finally came to me: you're a masochist!"

"Yes!" Jakotsu yells out from his place on the couch.

Momentarily glancing in the mercenary's direction, Kouga is quick to direct his attention back to the hanyou as he asks, "You hear that, Dog-shit? You act like such a tough guy, but in reality you're just a disturbed little puppy screaming 'Somebody spank me!'"

"I'll do it! I'll do it!"

"Shut up, Jakotsu! No spanking for you!" Kouga yells, turning around to glare in the effeminate man's direction. "As a matter of fact, you should be banned from asses altogether because you don't know how to treat them. The asshole is not a car engine; you don't just turn it on and start pistoning! Asses are special, particularly a woman's."

Suddenly, Kouga's gaze shifts back to Kagome.

"A woman's ass needs to be caressed, petted…licked…then you take _one_ finger..."

Raising up his right hand, the wolf-youkai languidly licks his index finger. The audience grows deathly silent, except for some heavy breathing. Kouga pauses for a moment, then chuckles, breaking the spell.

Over on the dais, Kagome is more than a little flustered. Seeing her reaction, Inuyasha's mood immediately sours beyond what he'd been feeling at Kouga's jokes about being 'Sat'. The wolf better hurry his shit along.

"That's another thing you _know_ about me, Kagome: I know how to treat a woman. I would cherish you, give you anything you wanted, and _never_ be unfaithful to you, especially not with someone who looks like you. And if you're looking for sexual satisfaction, and I think you are, then I can take you to a whole new world. I'll make you feel things you've never even _dreamed_ of before, things that will literally blow your mind. And that's just the beginning. I'm an even better lover than I am a fighter, Kagome, and I know I can make you the most satisfied woman on the planet.

"If for some insane reason you choose Dog-shit, on the other hand, I know you'll regret it. You'll lie awake at night, unsatisfied again, thinking of me and wondering what could have been. Then you'll touch yourself dreaming of all the pleasures I could have given you, which you'll never experience with that mangy mutt. He barely knows how to masturbate, never mind please a woman."

The grating sound interjecting its way into the pauses of Kouga's speech is that of Inuyasha's teeth grinding together. Kagome shakes her head as she glances past Kouga to meet Inuyasha's eyes, silently telling him to take it all in stride. She then gazes back at Kouga with a slightly bored expression, wondering when this jealous-narcissistic rant will be over. Kouga is too involved in himself to notice any of these things, of course.

"Tetsusaiga's enormous size is clearly overcompensation," he continues. "It's just like a man with a tiny penis buying a huge gun or a Hummer. But hey, at least you'll get to handle _one_ huge sword in your life, eh Mutt-face? Or maybe more, depending on which way you decide to swing after Kagome _officially_ becomes my woman. Maybe you'll shack up with Jakotsu and his perverted buddies. Then you wouldn't be the only one overcompensating with his sword. Jak's is even longer than yours when he pulls it out and uses it. So what does that say about 'little Jak?' He could be a freakin' eunuch for all we know."

Jakotsu scoffs, starting to rise to his feet, fully intent on _visually_ rebutting the wolf's latest lie, but a firm hand clutches his shoulder and pushes him back down on the couch. It belongs to Kagura, whose deep, violent eyes inform the mercenary that if he reveals his dick, he will lose it. Jakotsu harrumphs but remains seated, crossing his arms and legs petulantly.

"That's the best thing you've ever done, Kagura," a relieved Kouga states. "If we can go the whole night without someone exposing themselves, I will consider this roast a success.

"But back to Mutt-face, he not only overcompensates with his sword, but he thinks with it as well. The battle sword, I mean; there're no brains in the other one. He hasn't shown any indication that he has any sense of sexual attraction at all, which is a good thing for him. If he made any kind of move with those dirty hands on _my_ Kagome, I'd have to slice off his balls and shove them down his throat."

A smattering of boos greets the wolf's latest proclamation, and those, combined with Kagome's pleading gesture, are probably the only things that keep Inuyasha in his chair. Kouga shakes his head, a silent snarl twisting his once-composed lips.

"Go ahead and boo! At least I have the guts to say what needs to be said. I must be the only one who's _glad_ Mutt-face is such a loser in the love department. It's as plain as the ears on his head that I'm a _much_ better choice for Kagome than he is. Have you people all forgotten that no matter how powerful his sword gets, or how many weird friends he gathers, he's still just a hanyou? He still turns into a weak human each month, and during those times he can't even protect _himself_, let alone anyone else.

"I only let Kagome stay with him at those times because I respect the fighting abilities of the monk and the slayer, despite their other issues. How can I respect a man who can't even control his own blood? A man who allows a vicious _animal_ to take over his body and mind when the going gets tough? Desperate moments are when _true_ youkai rise up and show their greatest strength, but they always remain in control. Becoming a mongrel beast is a sign of weakness. The hanyou body is weak enough already, but the mind may be weaker still. You bring shame upon your already pathetic race, Inuyasha! How can you say you deserve a woman like Kagome?"

Kouga pauses; his heavy breathing can be heard over the microphone. The audience and the roasters have been effectively stunned into silence, and even Kouga seems to be shocked by his enraged outburst. He swallows anxiously, seemingly aware that he has crossed a line. Kagome cares for the hanyou, and he does not wish to incur her wrath upon himself. A conciliation must be made.

"But…_for a hanyou_, you're pretty tough. I wouldn't have left Kagome in your care if I thought you couldn't protect her. I trust you to protect _my_ woman, and so far you haven't let me down. I am grateful for that. So…you've proven that you can do _one_ thing right. Congratulations. But other than that, you're still the biggest dumb ass I've ever met. I hope someday you realize you have no chance against me for Kagome's heart. Peace out!"

A mixed assortment of applause sounds from people both laughing either with or at the exiting ookami. His swagger regained, Kouga strolls back to his seat as confidently as the Brawny man cleans up kitchen spills, ignoring the glares sent his way by some of his fellow roasters, while a bemused Miroku shakes his head as he passes the wolf on his way back up to the podium.

"Well, apparently I had you pegged all wrong, Kouga," Miroku states as he reclaims his spot at the microphone. "You and I are not kindred spirits, after all. The 'construction worker on a date' look you have going there should have told me that. Perhaps I do chase a lot of tail, but that is far better than saving oneself for a woman who is simply not interested. And contrary to the excrement that consistently spewed from that wormhole you call a mouth, I _have_ chosen one woman. That fact surely explains much of my admitted failings with the wooing of the _other_ members of the opposite sex. But what's the harm with a little flirting? I also think you underestimate my favor with the ladies; half of the female audience would probably sleep with me right now."

Miroku raises a hand to the audience, and smirks when a chorus of feminine cries goes up on cue. It at least rivals any of the applauses Kouga himself received. Some of the women near the stage quiet sooner than the rest, silenced by a venomous glare from a stewing taijiya. Fortunately, Miroku is almost finished making his point.

"Perhaps half was a low-ball estimate. And while you spent an inordinate amount of time opining on how often I masturbate - which isn't that often; I _am_ a monk, after all - you never enlightened us as to how often _you_ pleasure yourself. It must be quite frequently, I'm sure. Running around with a bunch of smelly animals and even smellier guys, barely sniffing a desirable woman once every few weeks. Wow…'chaffed' must be the natural state of your penis now, huh? You've probably jerked off enough to have married your right hand, divorced it, and then remarried it several times over. Jerk, rinse, and repeat. You must be able to do it in your sleep…literally. Ever wake up with sticky furry underpants, Kouga? Or has your dick been so overworked that it's shooting air? Oh, oh, OH, OH, OOHH! POOF!"

Miroku punctuates his joke with the classic wanking arm motion followed by an explosion simulated by his hands. Kouga frowns, clearly not happy with the audience's raucous laughter. Kagome tries in vain to hide her giggles, infuriating the wolf even further. Miroku remains unfazed; he gazes at the wolf with a superior look that leaves his message unmistakably clear. _Never_ trash-talk a lecher, especially about something perverted.

"I suppose your one saving grace is that you have an _inkling_ of how a woman's ass should be treated. You have a lot to learn, but that lame, tired 'technique' you proposed is a decent start. I could describe some more advanced methods for you now, but we all promised Comedy Central we wouldn't harm the audience, and giving a hundred women imagination-ecstasy-induced heart attacks would probably qualify. So no, I won't be divulging any of my secrets tonight. And I guess I'd better move away from the subject of asses and onto a more…well, a different subject.

"Our next roaster is a woman, but with the kimono she normally wears, it's hard to tell what her ass looks like, or if she even has one. Whoops! I came back to asses again. I just can't help myself. Anyway, our next roaster is admittedly striking, but there are a few problems that prevent me from being attracted to her. First, she's violent and unstable, and not the typical woman's version of violent and unstable. If she threatened to cut off my dick, I would start running because it wouldn't be an empty threat. Second, she's caught the eye of a powerful inu-youkai that I really don't want to get into a pissing contest with. Third, and more serious, she's a detachment of a man, and a particularly nasty and deranged man at that. I consider myself fairly discriminating in the women I favor with my attentions, and unfortunately for her our next roaster just doesn't pass my standards. I guess I'll just have to leave her to the dogs…or dog, as the case may be. Please welcome, Kagura."

As the stage's main spotlight swivels back over to highlight Kagura's position in between Naraku and Sesshoumaru, a demure smile stretches slowly across her lips as gentle piano music starts filtering in softly through the speakers. Being seated on one of the barstools rather than on the couch up front with the other women in no way hinders the wind-youkai's ability to rise gracefully to her feet in her midnight blue floor-length Vera Wang, sending her 'master' a meaningful glance as through the stage's sound system, a woman's voice that is soft yet strong begins singing in tune with the piano accompaniment.

_**All of my hate cannot be bound,**_

_**I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming.**_

_**Now, you can try to tear me down,**_

_**Beat me to the ground,**_

_**I will see you screaming…**_

As drums and electric guitar join in the mix, Kagura glides smoothly across the stage towards the podium in her strapless gown, her head held high as tendrils of hair left free from her elaborate updo brush teasingly against her bare shoulders. Suddenly, Amy Lee's voice through the speakers gets louder, demanding that neither she nor Kagura be ignored, as a spark of fire ignites in the demoness' eyes, Evanescence's cover of Korn stating her emotions perfectly.

_**Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies,**_

_**Pushing all the mercy down, down, down.**_

_**I wanna see you try to take a swing at me.**_

_**Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground.**_

As her musical accompaniment fades off, Kagura stands boldly at the podium, scanning the audience. Most of her fellow incarnations are present here this evening, as are a good deal of Naraku's enemies, considering how just about everyone in attendance is a fan of the inu-tachi, which by default makes them enemies of Naraku. Smirking, it doesn't take the wind witch long to get into the spirit of things, as she leans into the microphone, deliberately displaying a moderate amount of cleavage, and with lips painted a deep crimson to match her eyes, proudly declares, "As Miroku has so graciously pointed out, just because I was born of Naraku's flesh, it doesn't make me any less of a woman."

Standing straight and turning her head, Kagura glances the monk's way before adding, "But it's fortunate for you that you have no interest. A mere mortal such as yourself would never be able to handle me, anyway. How did you put it? I prefer 'dog meat'? Of course, one could hardly expect to hear anecdotes of a higher caliber from the same mouth that spews forth that kami-forsaken 'Will you bear my child?' shtick.

"I said _shtick_, Kouga…" Kagura clarifies immediately as though it had come under question, locking gazes with the wolf-youkai for a moment.

"You see, unlike _some _people, not all of us need to resort to foul language in order to garner attention for ourselves. Not that I am incapable of cussing, you filth-ridden, egotistical prick. Although I suppose it is true, I have brought your ire upon myself, what with the destruction of nearly your entire pack. I _would _flutter my fan and innocently mumble 'Naraku made me do it', but somehow, I get the impression that that won't work with you.

"What do you want, an apology? All right, I'm sorry I slaughtered your people, though I can't say I didn't enjoy it. Besides, let's face it; with you as their leader, they were all bound to wind up dead sooner or later, anyway. You have got to be _the _least organized commander I have ever met, and let's keep in mind, I work under Naraku. 'Now, whether that's literal or figurative'…either way you're a disgusting pig! I can't believe you had the audacity to stand up there and say half the things that went flying from that garbage hole you call a mouth! Although to be honest, I couldn't keep up with _everything _you said, considering your routine bounced back and forth more times than a ping-pong ball. You really _are _disorganized. And yet you have the balls to stand up there and degrade Inuyasha's battle techniques? He may be messy, but at least he gets the job done, and you can interpret _that _however you want to."

Over in the Hot Seat, Inuyasha smirks at Kagura's words.

"Let me ask you something." the wind-youkai continues then, still addressing the wolf. "Why do you constantly leave 'your woman' in the company of _two_ other men, one of whom is a lecher while the other has an undeniable attraction to someone who looks just like her? Are you out of your underdeveloped mind? You see Kagome for like what, ten minutes every month? I don't buy that 'one woman' bull for a minute. Just who are you fucking on the side? I guess we _all _know it isn't Ayame. What about Ginta and Hakkaku? Just how 'deep'does their loyalty to you really run? Maybe there's a legitimate reason why they run so much slower than you do. Can't really chalk that one up to the jewel shards any more, can you?"

Shrugging to indicate she truly couldn't care less one way or the other, Kagura locks eyes with the 21st century miko for a moment, tsk'ing in sympathy before addressing the wolf once more.

"Kouga, darling, I know they say love is blind, but your love requires lasik surgery. It's time to face the facts; she's just not that into you, or more accurately in this case, she's into someone else. You're just lucky that 'someone' isn't 'into'her…or at least not _yet_. Not that I suppose you can truly take all of the blame for misreading Kagome's intentions. Even with suspending disbelief that you actually know how to read, Miroku was right when he called that little miko a tease. We can hardly give you the 'no means no' speech when she's never once uttered such a word in your direction. But to be perfectly honest, I think Kagome just uses you to make Inuyasha jealous. Unfortunately for her, while the hanyou still has his head up his ass, your presence is never going to make him pull out the sword I think we all know Kagome _really _wants to see him put into action.

"And one thing I feel I just _have_ to correct you on, while we're on the subject, is your dismissal of Tetsusaiga as 'overcompensation'. I'll let a lot of your jokes slide, but comparing the late Inu no Taisho's fang to a penile enhancer? That's not only insulting to Inuyasha, but to the whole Inu no Taisho bloodline. Earlier in your own routine, you yourself even stated how you knew to run away whenever Inuyasha drew Tetsusaiga, sensing the true power of the sword. I guess from your logic it falls under the same category as a flashy car, which is unquestionably powerful but at the same time is really only for show. However, I can assure you that the power of Tetsusaiga is _not _only for show. You dare to give Sesshoumaru lectures about respecting Inuyasha's strength when you've never once felt the power of Tetsusaiga for yourself? Of course, we all know _why _you've never found yourself on the receiving end of Inuyasha's sword - yaoi fans get your minds out of the gutter. It's because you'd never _survive_, that's why! Believe me, I know how powerful that sword really is. You're wise to run away when he whips it out.

"When it comes to sheer, gargantuan size, however, Tetsusaiga isn't the largest sword I've ever seen. Bankotsu's halberd, now _there _is compensation if ever there was any. What was that sword's name again? Banryuu? Barbarian Dragon? That's a nice, powerful name. Although…in a contest of quality over quantity, it is true that Banryuu only became equal to Tetsusaiga in strength with the added power of the jewel shards. So what does that teach us? Simple. It isn't the size that counts, but how you use it."

The audience laughs while Inuyasha crosses his arms smugly, his expression clearly articulating how he has no problem demonstrating Tetsusaiga anytime, anywhere. Glancing over to the person sitting in the left-most spot on the couch, from the audience's perspective, the wind-youkai grins, shifting her focus.

"Now, if you want somebody who's got a flashy sword and knows _exactly _how to useit, we really must give credit where credit is do. You can tell a lot about a man by what type of sword he carries, though not in the way Kouga implied.

"Jakotsu, while I've never seen that serpent sword of yours in action, I hear it's downright legendary. But please, feel free to keep _both _of your swords tucked away. I'll take your word for it on just how magnificent Jakotsuto truly is. And what a creative name, by the way. 'Snake bone sword' sounds cool until we take into consideration that _your _name means 'snake bone', an alias if ever I've heard one, or did your Mommy really name you that? But either way, that means your sword is basically just named 'Jakotsu's sword', and I don't think I want to know what you named your 'other' sword. Jakotsuchinpo?

"Why are you so openly slutty, anyway? You disgust me. I have nothing against you being gay; I don't really have a problem if two men want to hop into bed together, but have you no shame? The way you behave is filthy and nauseating, and totally unbecoming of a gentleman…or lady…or whatever the hell you think you are. I have my faults, but at least I know how to dress and hold myself like a proper woman. Of course, we're getting off track here. Kouga's disorganization must be contagious. We were talking about swords, were we not? Well, if we are really going to have a discussion about whose sword is the most fabulous, then we mustn't forget about the mighty Lord Sesshoumaru, and I'm not talking about Tokijin _or _Bakusaiga. Sneer in disgust at Tenseiga all you want, Sesshy, but I think a sword that can revive the dead is pretty damn impressive. It also probably could have come in handy back on Mt. Hakurei. I mean, think about it… The Band of Seven were so hard to take out because they were already _dead, _right? So maybe if you'd waved that magic wand of yours to make them alive again, then they could've been eliminated a whole lot easier.

"Seems logical to me, although I suppose it was probably one of those 'you had to be there' kind of moments, and I wasn't there, so then I wouldn't really know. Maybe with the Shikon shards interfering Tenseiga wouldn't have worked. All I know for sure is that while I was complaining at first about being stuck inside that mountain thanks to the stupid barrier, I now realize that it was a blessing in disguise. I can't really say I'm all that disappointed for having missed my chance to see the Band of Seven up close and personal. While it's true I have the ability to manipulate dead, soulless bodies, I've really got no love for walking corpses. Especially walking corpses arrogantly still in possession of their own souls, who simply refuse to accept when it's their time to die.

"And _speaking _of…"

Pausing a moment to send a purposefully glance in Kikyou's direction, the kaze-youkai visibly shudders before focusing her attention back on the microphone and audience before her.

"Under normal circumstances I would have absolutely nothing to say to or about the undead miko, but this is a special occasion, after all." Smirking, she leans further into the microphone and adds suggestively, "And unlike the wolf, I will not be doing Kikyou and Kagome at the same time."

Over on the dais Kouga looks sick at the wind-youkai's implication, while in the Hot Seat Inuyasha has a far-away look in his eyes that does not go unnoticed by either miko, though Kagura chooses to let it go unmentioned, momentarily turning her attention back to Kouga.

"Oh don't look so green, like _that's _the most disturbing thing that's been said this evening so far. Did you honestly suggest that I possess Kikyou and use her to have sex with Inuyasha? Because if so…_eeewwww!_ Not only is that incredibly disgusting, but if I _could_ possess Kikyou, the first thing I'd do is march her straight off a cliff. That woman gives me the creeps! You'd think I would be used to it by now living with a master like Naraku, but Kikyou _still_ manages to creep me out. I may have been artificially brought into this world, but at least I'm still _alive_. I'm _real_, made of flesh and blood. Even the Band of Seven aren't your typical zombies. Kikyou isn't even a real _corpse_. She is literally a ningyou, a doll, a golem made of mud and possessed by the soul of a dead person. Why is nobody else bothered by this?"

Turning once again in the undead miko's direction, Kagura locks her crimson orbs on Kikyou's bored, uncaring gaze.

"You know, on second thought, I take back what I said about not doing you and your reincarnation at the same time. When I think about it, you two are sort of one in the same, in a way, although I agree with Kouga's assessment that the kami did better the second time around. But there really isn't anything I can say to you that doesn't involve Kagome in one sense or another. I suppose I _could _ask you why you'd once appeared to be aiding Naraku, but I think we already know the answer to that question.

"You attempted to manipulate the manipulator, and being as inexperienced in the black art of mind-fuckery as you are, you blew it. You thought that by giving him the shards of the jewel you could take him out that much faster, because you wanted the jewel completed so that you could purify both it and him at the same time. What you hadn't taken into consideration was just how strong he would become with said jewel shards, and how many hundreds, probably even _thousands _of people he would kill as a result of everything he did over the months and months of possessing most of the jewel. Um, oops? I would ask how can you live with yourself, but that'd be a pretty stupid question, now wouldn't it? But back to my little Ménage à trois. This is for you, Kouga, since I sort of owe you one.

"So…why do you hate Kagome, Kikyou? I don't understand it. You shouldn't think of her as an imposter sent back five hundred years to steal Inuyasha away. She's merely an upgrade over you, kind of like a Ferrari is an upgrade over a tired old horse. She's cuter, faster, and doesn't smell like manure. Plus she takes two men comfortably. Three is a tight squeeze, but you can't even take _one_ rider anymore. Your body might crumble into dust if someone tried to mount you."

Over on the dais, Kikyou narrows her eyes marginally while Kouga openly laughs despite the dig slipped in about 'his' woman being loose, and smiling to herself, the wind-youkai shifts her focus to the loose 'upgrade' in question, tsk'ing in Kagome's direction once more before turning back to the microphone.

"I don't really understand you either, Kagome. I mean, Kikyou is not _real_, and she's functioning with a piece of _your _soul, so why not just kill her already and reclaim what is rightfully yours? Both your soul, and the hanyou. Of course, if you did that I'm sure Inuyasha would be pretty upset, and that's the real reason you hold back, isn't it? You just don't want to hurt him after all the crap he's already had to deal with. _That _I can understand, though I simply cannot fathom why Inuyasha is attracted to Kikyou in the first place. She's _dead_, and wanting to do _that_ with her is just plain gross. I think we may need to hold an intervention for him after all, and get him enrolled in NA – Necrophiliacs Anonymous. But all kidding aside, even if there's nothing sexual going on between him and Kikyou – kami I sure _hope _there isn't – then the question still remains as to why he's so drawn to her otherwise. Because he's indebted to her? Because she died for him?

"Didn't _you _die when Urasue ripped your soul out? One could just as easily argue that you yourself died for Inuyasha that day; you died to bring Kikyou back, but then just like Kikyou herself you were given a second chance at life when you reclaimed enough of your soul to keep on going. I'd say if anything, that should make Inuyasha indebted to _you_, since you gave up so much of yourself for his sake. And it isn't even just the fact that you died for a moment during that spell, but every moment since then, you've had to live with the heartache of knowing _his_ heart truly belongs to Kikyou. Anyone can _die _for somebody else, but it takes real strength to _live _for somebody, and that's what you do each and every day. It's a shame it goes so unappreciated.

"No wonder you're a tease when it comes to other guys, as attention starved as you must be. Not that you really crave the attention of other guys, per se, but receiving attention from other guys is the only thing that gets _Inuyasha _to pay any attention to you. No wonder you haven't told Kouga to shove off, or that oblivious doofus from your school. Wait, are we counting the Hojo from your time and the Hojo from my time as the same person? Your Hojo isn't even a reincarnation; he's just a descendent, so if you want to insist that you and _Kikyou _are two different people, then the two Hojo boys should _definitely _be counted separately. So then that means you've actually got _four _men interested in you altogether, three of whom openly declare it on a regular basis. That's definitely a tight squeeze. I'm impressed; I didn't realize you were so good at juggling, but if you can keep _that _many balls in the air and still keep your wits about you, you deserve an award. What kind of trophy do they hand out to skanks, anyway? Though, considering you're from modern-day Japan, I suppose the most obvious and readily available would be a golden dildo of some sort. I'm sure you can find plenty of penis statues to choose from during the Kanamara Matsuri fertility festival.

"Let's face it, there is simply no way you are going to be able to convince _anyone _that you are truly as naïve and innocent as you portray yourself to be. Not when you grew up in a culture that throws annual penis parades and has uncensored porn as part of the regular TV packages. The only reason they don't get nastier in their anime is because they know the Americans will be picking it up, and say, for example, if they'd shown your perky little nipples getting out of that cold water, that would've been too much. They would've had to blur it. You didn't mind posing topless for the manga, though, did you? Inuyasha didn't mind looking, either. Trying to steal the jewel shards my ass. Maybe that'd been his original intention, but it sure looked to me like you had him _thoroughly _distracted. He might deny his attraction to you until the cows come home, and then deny the presence of the cows, but we _all _know you've got him eating out of the palm of your hand. All four of your male admirers are absolutely smitten with you, you little minx. They're crawling on their hands and knees behind you, looking up your exceedingly short skirt the whole time, and you're loving every minute of it.

"And just what _is _up with that outfit, while we're on the subject? I'm a servant of the tentacle-master and _I_ dress better than you. Little tip, if you want guys to think you're all sweet and innocent and respect your virtue, try dressing the part. I mean, ever hear the expression 'easy access'? I get that it's your school uniform, but that actually makes it even weirder that you would wear it in the past. Don't those things cost money? How many new uniforms have you had to buy because they got demon blood on them? And even if that isn't an issue, what normal teenager in her right mind ever wants to be caught wearing her school uniform outside of school grounds? I would think you'd want to strip that thing off the second you get home. Do you _like _standing out like a sore thumb? Dressed like that, it's amazing more people in my time haven't accused you of being a prostitute, or a youkai. I know the latter has happened at least once, and you acted so shocked, too. If it truly was unexpected on your part, then that would've been the cue to change your wardrobe right there, but did you take heed? Nope. Why am I not surprised? Oh wait, I know, it's because you're a _tease_, just like Miroku said.

"And it gets even worse in the Fandom! You've had relationships with everyone from Inuyasha and Miroku - sometimes at the same time - to _Sango, _to my Sesshoumaru, to Hojo, to _Bankotsu _of all people, to guys who aren't even in the 'Inuyasha' story!"

Sending Kagome a glare as if it's the miko's own fault what fanfiction writers decide to do with her character, Kagura next takes a moment to send a quick glance Sesshoumaru's way before focusing her attention back out over the audience.

"And why is it that Kagome gets put with Sesshoumaru more often than _I_ do? Kikyou and Kouga would make a better couple, for crying out loud! I mean here I am, the only one from both the anime _and _manga to openly express any kind of genuine interest in the daiyoukai, and I get put with him about as often as Inuyasha is shown eating something other than ramen. Both instances are much more likely to occur in an AU setting. But Kagome is the leading partner for Sesshoumaru in Canon and AU settings alike! And the next one most likely to get paired with him? Rin. Rin! Are you freakin' _kidding _me?"

Sighing, Kagura takes a moment to calm her frazzled nerves before asking in an almost dejected tone, "What's that child got that I haven't got?"

Glancing back toward the dais, she adds, "True, Rin will grow up one day, but I'm already all-woman, right here, right now. And I know you can attest to that, Sesshoumaru, since Kagome's not the only one to suffer the occasional wardrobe malfunction."

From his position on the center barstool, Sesshoumaru gives no outward sign of being affected by her words, though if someone knew him well enough, they would recognize the slightly unfocused look behind his eyes as indicating he is presently lost in remembrance. The miniscule crinkling to his nose that appears moments later reveals his thoughts on the matter, but not knowing the daiyoukai anywhere near as well as she likes to believe she does, Kagura continues on in her comparisons.

"Rin is young and naïve, and without a mother she won't be taught the things young girls need to know when it comes to the ways of pleasuring a man. I don't need any lessons in that department, Sesshoumaru. I was _born _knowing what to do, and how to do it, and if given the opportunity, I would _gladly_ prove it to you."

Sesshoumaru's eyes dart her way, widening the tiniest percent, as Kagura licks her lips sensually while unabashedly looking him up and down. It is a bold display for the kaze-youkai, but tonight is a night of boldness.

"You have everything a girl could want: looks, brains, raw…sheer power, not to mention the undisputed loyalty of those serving under you. The behavior of one's servants says a _lot _about the character of the master. People can call you the Ice Prince all they want, but you must be doing _something _right for Jaken and Rin to both be so blindly obedient to your every whim. They would follow you to the ends of the Earth, whether you asked them to or not. That's true devotion right there. As a former minion myself, I can appreciate that. Though I also followed my master's orders, I did so begrudgingly, and because I literally had no choice. I've never referred to Naraku with '-sama' in my life. He doesn't have my respect, quite the opposite, in fact.

"Naraku gave me no reason whatsoever to be loyal to him. What was the reward for faithful service? Not dying a horrible death. Inspiring, simply inspiring. What was the price of my continued servitude? Months locked away in solitude, spent contemplating my miserable existence and waiting for the brief moments of action that made my life remotely bearable. For it was in those moments, those battles, those near-death experiences that I tasted freedom. I longed to be able to drink from that sweet cup every day, not just when it suited the whim of another. And if Naraku were a better villain, he would have used that to his advantage.

"If Naraku had promised me freedom once he completed the Shikon no Tama, all of you would be dead right now. I would not have hesitated for a moment to slice off Kagome's head or split Inuyasha down the middle. But there was no reason for me to fight with all my strength if only my continued existence as a slave was at stake. Even in the beginning, I knew deep down that Naraku would never willingly set me free. He was and is too much of a sadistic bastard. It is still difficult for me to fathom how he enjoyed my quiet suffering so, my rebellions quickly quelled by terror effectively wielded. And I wasn't the only one victimized by his perversion. Yes, as has been established, I carried out the slaughter of Kouga's tribe, but I would never have come up with such an underhanded and despicable plan on my own. If I'd wanted something from the wolf tribe, I would have taken it, killing whoever resisted. Those lucky enough to survive would have been left alone. I certainly would not have imagined the contemptible idea of reanimating the corpses and using them to pit two of my enemies against each other.

"There is something truly pathetic about a man who constantly sits in the shadows moving his enemies like pawns, never having the courage to go out and fight them. You think your self-described brilliance makes up for your cowardice, Naraku, but it does not. If you want something done right, you need to do it yourself. _Especially_ if that something is slaying an enemy... People can say what they want about me, but no one can reasonably call me a coward. I fight for what I want, and I only flee when there's nothing to fight for. Most of the time, that nothing was you, Naraku. You are _nothing_. Nothing but a pitiful wretch toying with people and ruining their lives because that's the only way you can feel good about yourself. You disgust me, and I will be forever grateful that I am no longer connected to you in any way.

"And I know I'm not the only one; I'm sure Kohaku feels the same way. At least he was lucky enough to have such a devoted sibling. Sango, of all the people on the show, I probably respect you the most. We're similar, you and I. Stuck in a male-dominated world, neither of us takes shit from anybody. So I won't demean myself by criticizing your actions early in the series. Although…" Kagura says, letting her voice trail of as she shifts her gaze to the monk sitting quietly off to the side.

"I feel I must comment on your choice of husband. I mean really, girl? Seriously? _This_ was the best you could do?" she asks incredulously, stabbing an accusing finger toward Miroku. "What about that prince guy, what was his name? Kuranosuke? You know, the guy who openly declared his undying love for you and asked you to be his wife? He would've been a much safer option, don't you think? And he was _cute!_ Miroku has a certain roguish charm, but he's not nearly as hot as he thinks he is. Regal, sophisticated men are sexy, and I think Miroku just pretends to be cultured so he can hide the fact that he's a depraved pervert. Oh well, to each his own, as the saying goes…

"And speaking of bad taste in men, look at the loser Kagome chose. Now if only he could come to terms with reality and choose her in return. But you know, now that I think about it, I don't really have a whole lot to say about Inuyasha. Aside from his romantic deficiencies, there's really not all that much wrong with him. True, he's not the brightest guy around, and he's attracted to a dead person, and most of his power comes from that sword of his, but as a hanyou, he's a hell of a lot better than Naraku. And since he's survived several battles with _me_, he _must_ be pretty tough. If he's getting roasted here tonight, then some of the other people on this stage deserve to be thrown into a fire and burnt to a crisp. Thank you."

Applause sounds out loudly, accompanied by a few hoots and whistles, as the kaze-youkai heads back to her seat. Passing Miroku along the way as he heads up to the podium, the monk flashes her a quick smile and wink. Reaching the microphone, he leans forward slightly before glancing back Kagura's way over his shoulder.

"Kuranosuke would've been a better choice for Sango, you say? On the surface, that's an easy argument to make. I will even admit that, at one point in time, I would have willfully, albeit regretfully, given up my chance of being with the lovely Sango, myself, if Kuranosuke had turned out to be whom she wanted. But, as my luck would have it, Sango did not choose that path. I think it would behoove you in the future to restrain from criticizing your fellow women in regard to who they favor, especially considering just who _your _love interest is. How can a 'regal and sophisticated' man be desirable if he has the personality of a sweaty fundoshi? Now, moving on, there are a few things I could say about this next roaster, but I believe in this instance discretion is the better part of valor, so I'm just going to quickly introduce her and that's that. She looks very bored and probably wants to get this roast over with, though I can't imagine what else she has to do tonight. Please welcome, Kikyou."

A polite amount of applause sounds out as the spotlight swings over to the undead priestess' position on the couch. Sitting properly with her legs crossed demurely at the ankle, Kikyou is dressed in a pair of red, flowing modern-day dress slacks accentuated by a black leather belt around the waist. A conservative, white button-up long-sleeve blouse worn tucked in completes her 21st century version of traditional miko garb, with a hint of femininity being present in the form of short, office appropriate heels in shiny black, matching her belt. Before the miko even has time to react to the sound of her name being called, or the spotlight illuminating her position, a somewhat distorted rhythm of what is most likely synthesized cymbals comes crashing over the sound system, followed quickly by a male voice asking an instantly recognizable question that has the audience exploding in a combination of laughter and excitement.

_**Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead? **_

_**(I loved her)**_

Immediately the music blares to life, over half of the audience dancing in their seats as they rock out to the Rob Zombie classic. Over on the dais, Kikyou frowns. When she had opted to leave blank on her sign-up form what song she desired to have play during her introduction, she had assumed the producers would choose something generic and instrumental. She should have realized that the producers of a network that would air such a calamity had an equally catastrophic sense of humor, themselves.

_**What are you thinking about?**_

_**What are you thinking about?**_

_**(Si Señor) **_

Acrimoniously rising from her seat, Kikyou takes her first step just as the main lyrics begin.

_**Oh, rage in the cage,**_

_**And piss upon the stage.**_

_**There's only one sure way**_

_**To bring the giant down.**_

_**Defunct the strings,**_

_**Of cemetery things,**_

_**With one flat foot**_

_**On the Devil's wings.**_

With a posture that clearly states 'I am so above this,' Kikyou confidently makes her way to the podium, but not before the chorus has time to play through.

_**Crawl on me,**_

_**Sink into me,**_

_**Die for me,**_

_**Living dead girl.**_

_**Crawl on me,**_

_**Sink into me,**_

_**Die for me,**_

_**Living dead girl.**_

As the music fades off, Kikyou stands silently at the podium, waiting patiently for the audience to get it out of their system. If she were to turn back towards the dais in this moment, she would also notice the amusement of many of her fellow roasters, but deliberately choosing to keep her eyes forward, she focuses steadily on the red light of the camera before her, knowing her image is portrayed on the large monitor screen behind her. It doesn't take too long for her chilling visage to extinguish the humorous atmosphere in the room; she is neither breathing nor blinking, providing a sobering reminder of the miko's undead status.

"Now," she begins after a moment, her voice carrying all the authority of a no-nonsense professor disciplining her students. "As the expression from this time period goes, I suggest we 'get this show on the road.' Of course, if you people would abnegate finding amusement in such asinine buffoonery, then perhaps it would discourage the continuation of this purportless charade. I have only agreed to participate because my duty as a miko demands I do whatever is in my power to assist those less fortunate than myself, and the executives for this monstrosity have assured us that by going along with their debauchery, charitable donations will be made to many of the villages inflicted with hardship as a direct result of the sacred jewel. I shall also be donating my personal financial compensation to the Shikon relief efforts. Keep that in mind while you are so quick to misjudge and denigrate my character."

From the audience comes silence, augmented by the occasional cough. With her facial expression remaining neutral Kikyou scans her gaze over the crowd before turning her head to glance back in the direction of the dais. Slowly, the slightest of smirks appears on her lips.

"Of course, if there is one among us who is truly deserving of your criticism, it would be the so-called houshi to my right." Shifting her speech to address Miroku directly instead of the audience, she continues. "You are the most vile, loathsome excuse for a monk I have ever seen, and I hope you rot in Hell, just so long as it is on the opposite side from where Inuyasha and I will be residing."

The audience boos, though Kikyou is clearly indifferent to their reaction as she continues speaking directly to Miroku.

"I am aware that monks do not share the same vow of chastity that _some_ priestesses do…"

Shifting her gaze towards her reincarnation for a moment, Kikyou's expression is again neutral as she then returns her focus to the monk.

"But neither are they supposed to be shameless whores. Although, perhaps even worse than your loose morals when it comes to women of equally loose clothing, honorable men and women of the cloth do _not _take money for their services. Our duty is to protect and heal the innocent, not to swindle unsuspecting individuals out of their belongings. The only thing that comforts me in any way is the fact that you had only until recently been consistently unsuccessful in your attempts to sire an heir. Only the kami know what horrors have been averted by not introducing your DNA into the gene pool of every town you've ever happened across in your journeys. It is highly unfortunate that you have since found a woman actually willing to accommodate, though at least the damage to society as a whole should remain fairly localized with the next generation of lechers limited to only what one single woman can produce."

Shifting her focus to glance in Sango's direction, Kikyou's expression is technically void of emotion, yet somehow comes across as seeming almost pitying in nature. Mentally tsk'ing, the miko again faces forward, though her words are directed towards the slayer.

"I believe I have found a query paramount to the legendary riddle of the Sphinx, that being why one such as yourself would be drawn to a man like Miroku. You must be far less discerning than your warrior heritage would have led me to believe. Even with your home village destroyed, you could have stopped at any village in Japan and found at least ten men more deserving of your affection than the lecherous houshi. Do you honestly believe that he will remain faithful to you? That is an unparalleled level of foolishness. I believe Kagura said it best when stated that the young lord Kuranosuke would have been a better choice for a husband. At least he is a true gentleman, as opposed to a hopeless womanizer who will never change his ways.

"Though that would be the only way in which the wind sorceress and myself see eye to eye. It was quite obvious from her routine that she wishes to have nothing in common with myself whatsoever, so hopefully this miniscule level of common ground between us has added to the level of her discomfort in my presence. While I could take the time necessary to formulate individual rebuttals for every singular statement she made against my character, I find it satisfying enough to know that my very presence has so thoroughly destabilized her sense of security. To cause such mental distress, and without even trying, simply put: I must be better than I thought. I suppose I could point out the fact that, borrowed or no, I myself am at least still in possession of a mortal soul, while she is not, but that is something I will allow her to contemplate on her own during the eternity in which she will spend unable to be reincarnated. As for my fellow 'walking corpses,' I have nothing directly to say to the Shichinin-tai member present on stage. Jakotsu will pay for his sins in time. And before you jump to conclusions, I am referring merely to his murderous dynamism. Well, I suppose that means Kagura and I have _two _things in common, when it comes to our mutual opinions regarding other individuals, considering I thoroughly agree with everything she said regarding the flamboyant mercenary. I do hope she can 'live' with herself, knowing that she and I think alike in so many ways.

"As for the wind-youkai's pathetic excuse of a master, I don't really have anything to say to Naraku, either. Though I can assure you, if I had known what Onigumo would aspire to become, I would have heeded my sister's warnings. While it is true that as a miko, it was my duty to treat and care for his mortal injuries, the good of the many must outweigh the good of the individual. Such was the decision behind my own sacrifice in becoming the Shikon miko, thus depriving me of the opportunity to live a normal life. If I had foreseen the future, Naraku would have been slain before his birth, and it is my solemn duty to rectify that singular mistake. A task which would have proven much easier had my underdeveloped reincarnation not proceeded to execute a mistake even grander than my own in shattering the sacred jewel."

Over on the couch, Kagome's back stiffens while Sango places a supporting hand on her friend's shoulder. Appreciative of the gesture and unafraid to face her enemy, the future-born miko meets her preincarnation's gaze head on.

"You may be my reincarnation, but you did not inherit my sense of propriety. I fail to see how the kami could have possibly believed that you would suffice as my replacement. You are my copy, yes, but one of very poor quality. Perhaps there were additional incarnations between you and I, so that you are in fact a copy of a copy of a copy; that would explain the high level of degradation present in your being. At times, I struggle to see the resemblance between us. True, our facial features remain somewhat comparable, but that is where our similarities abruptly end. You have no sense of decorum, peregrinating the countryside in that grotesquely inappropriate excuse for a uniform. That is not the attire of a proper miko, nor do you carry yourself with the level of virtue a true miko must display in all things. While I will not fault your initial inexperience with the bow, as you can hardly be held accountable for failing to prepare for a calling you had not yet been aware of, _if _you are going to embrace the destiny the kami have apparently decided to bequeath upon you, then do so with dignity. Accept the sacrifices necessary to become a miko, as I did. And if you are not yet ready for such a drastic change in lifestyle, which has become abundantly apparent, then you should immediately cease and desist from any and all participation in that regard. Go back through the well, where you belong. Worry about your schoolwork as the child you truly are."

Over on the dais, Kagome is outwardly unaffected by Kikyou's harsh words, though no one can miss the way she quickly darts her eyes over in Inuyasha's direction. For once, the hanyou displays his ability to be sensitive to Kagome's feelings, sending her a quick look in return that assures her he disagrees with Kikyou's sentiments.

Irritated by the brief moment of silent communication, the undead miko decides to take things up a notch.

"Of course, it is not only your manner of dress and low stature as a spiritual protector that makes you so pathetic. Openly pining after Inuyasha when he has already pledged himself to _me _is by far the most pitiable thing that you have ever done. Although, if I am to be completely honest, which my position as a _true _miko requires, then I will admit that I do understand your attraction to him. Once, fifty years ago, I fell into an opportunity to feel that hard, strong body for myself. But unlike you, I did not allow my attraction to warp my better judgment. No matter how beautiful his body may be, it is still that of a hanyou, and therefore unclean. It is far too impure for any virtuous woman to consider lying with. Had Inuyasha become human, I would have thoroughly enjoyed sampling his body to my heart's content, but until that time, I restrained myself. I have self-control, something else which you apparently lack.

"We have all borne witness to your inability to restrain yourself in his presence, the way you're constantly touching him, or allowing him to touch you. I do not speak of the times in battle when it is necessary for him to pull you from the dangers your disgustingly weak powers had either been unable to properly warn you about or protect you from, but that is the only time that physical contact between the two of you should be permitted. There is no legitimate excuse for riding upon his back in most cases. If you are not immediately in pursuit of a foe, such closeness is not required as a necessity to extinguish evil, and is therefore immoral.

"And then there is the way you have willfully held his hand, touched his ears, or leaned yourself upon him while sitting far too closely side by side. A proper miko, or any virtuous unmarried woman, for that matter, must always maintain a respectable physical distance between herself and her male comrades. The fact that he is hanyou makes your offenses even more serious, though his demon blood is not truly the issue when it comes to your impropriety. Even if Inuyasha were human, if you were to maintain the role of a miko, then physical contact along such intimate lines would remain taboo, regardless of his purity. If he and I had used the jewel to turn him human, as had been our original wish, then I would have had no need to remain a miko, and would have therefore been free to act upon my feminine desires as his honored wife.

"Still, it is a waste of time and effort for me to attempt to give you any advice about when and how you might possibly find yourself able to become involved with Inuyasha, considering that his life belongs to me and he is not free to become yours, hanyou or no, miko or no. Inuyasha is _mine_, and so the only advice I can truly give you is to accept defeat with honor. It would be the only thing you have done honorably to date, if you were capable. But perhaps if you demonstrated that you were in fact able to back down and concede defeat in this matter, then you just might earn a small percentage of respect from myself. It would be a genuine act of sacrifice to give up the pursuit of your own happiness, regardless of how futile said pursuit has actually been. I _would _tell you that you should reconsider Kouga's offer, since the wolf-youkai clearly has feelings for you, but I would never wish such a fate upon my own soul. Despite my hatred for you, a small portion of myself is inarguably within you, and I want absolutely _nothing _to do with the ookami. I find it a tremendous relief to know that this feeling is mutual between us."

Shifting gears, Kikyou ceases addressing her reincarnation, adjusting her gaze to the person sitting behind Kagome on the dais.

"Kouga, I find it ironic that someone of such noticeably small words can still manage to talk so big. If your wit were half as sharp as your tongue, then perhaps you would realize that no incarnation of _my _soul could ever find your foul demeanor attractive. The pungency of your breath certainly doesn't help matters any, although no amount of Listerine could make what you have to say any less nauseating to endure. Even your style of humor leaves much to be desired. However, I feel as though I am merely wasting energy in proceeding to criticize your feeble attempts at discrediting my person, so perhaps I should endeavor to speak in a manner that you would better understand. Therefore, I have compiled a brief list of my own. As someone who regularly thinks with his fists, or phallus, depending on the situation, please try to keep up."

The audience laughs openly while Kikyou gathers her notes before her, many of the people in the room surprised to hear such a crude comment fall from the undead miko's lips. There may be hope for her yet.

"If you thought with your brain instead of other bodily parts," Kikyou begins sarcastically, "then perhaps you would realize the true idiocy of insulting beings with noticeably more power than yourself.

"If you thought with your brain instead of other bodily parts, then perhaps you would realize that my reincarnation has no desire to be in a romantic relationship with you. Allow me to repeat myself, slowly. Kagome…isn't…interested.

"If you thought with your brain instead of other bodily parts, then perhaps you would appreciate the fact that there is a woman out there who miraculously _does _want you, as shocking as that notion may seem, and you would settle down with her to rebuild your lost tribe while leaving the Naraku-killing to the professionals."

Sending the ookami a bored look, Kikyou continues, her personality loosening up the tiniest bit as she gets into the true spirit of the roast.

"I mean, let's face it. Has any fanfiction writer ever had you finishing Naraku off? Ever? You have a better chance of actually getting with Kagome than you do of slaying Naraku, and that's saying something. I would find it more believable that Myouga remain bravely present during the final battle than you actually putting forth any sort of measurable contribution.

"No, we all know who will play the greatest role in defeating Naraku. Unlike you, he is someone who actually uses his brain on occasion to improve upon himself and to protect those he cares about. In the few instances where I have actually required his aid, he has never let me down…well, except for that _one _time, but I am willing to overlook it. He is truly not as imbecilic as you would have us all believe. Fifty years ago he made the best possible decision he could have made, to become human so that we could be together.

"Oh yes, Inuyasha, if not for Naraku's interference, we would have been very happy indeed. In becoming a human, you would have purged yourself of your youkai taint while simultaneously removing the jewel from our lives. We would have been a normal human couple, our lives filled with children, friends, and happiness.

"I realize now that this dream is impossible. I am dead, and can never have children or live a normal life. And as a human, you would have no hope of ever defeating Naraku. Your youkai strength is a necessity for your mission, and for someone of unclean youkai blood, you are truly not an evil man. Despite being cursed with youkai blood, you have a kind, human heart. It is for that reason that I wish for you to come with me to Hell, so that we may spend all of eternity together. Remember, your soul belongs to me, Inuyasha. I will be waiting. "

Stepping away from the podium to a mixture of polite applause accompanied by booing and murmurs of disagreement, Kikyou strolls back over to her position on the dais as confidently as she had crossed the stage the first time. As Miroku reclaims the podium, he is noticeably still stunned from Kikyou's merciless verbal assault on his person. And he had been nice to her, too!

"Well, Kikyou, I think we're all glad you decided to keep that brief. You are aware this is a comedy show, correct?" The audience laughs, but Kikyou snorts derisively, not caring in the slightest whether or not she entertained anyone.

"If I do wind up in Hell," Miroku continues, "at least it won't be for being so prejudiced that I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. You criticized Kouga because most fanfiction writers never put him with Kagome, but how many writers have ever put _you_ with _Inuyasha?_ More often than not, when that _does _happen, it's merely an excuse to pair Kagome with Sesshoumaru, and you and Inuyasha are depicted in a less than favorable manner." Again, Kikyou doesn't care. To her mind, fanfiction writers are a bunch of semi-literate losers who wouldn't know a good storyline from a hole in the ground.

"But as delusional as she is, Kikyou is not truly the villain here." Miroku says next, addressing the audience instead of the miko directly. "Oh, no; I fail to contemplate how Rumiko Takahashi could have made our next roaster more evil. He is perhaps the most detested character in all of Fandom. For my part, I have no need to elaborate on why he is so reviled, as I'm sure his words will make that abundantly clear. Please welcome to the podium, Naraku."

The loudspeakers immediately pump out a single, scratchy guitar note, soon followed by three more in rapid succession. The last one holds for a second or two, giving way to the quick, repetitive guitar rhythm that highlights one of Metallica's iconic songs. The drums join in, and after some more emphatic beats and a brief guitar solo, the music settles into a more conventional rhythm, the guitar still active and driving. Finally, just as the lyrics begin, Naraku rises from his barstool.

_**End of passion play, **_

_**Crumbling away,**_

_**I'm your source of self-destruction. **_

_**Veins that pump with fear, **_

_**Sucking darkest clear,**_

_**Leading on your death's construction. **_

_**Taste me you will see,**_

_**More is all you need,**_

_**Dedicated to how I'm killing you.**_

The music abruptly cuts to half speed, the beat now heavy, though the guitar maintains its rapid rhythm. Naraku arrives at the podium and gazes confidently out over the crowd. He is dressed in a black, no nonsense suit, as if going for a 'Bond Villain' look, though it appears more 'Men's Warehouse' than anything else. The audience's reception is lukewarm at best. Loud boos can be heard, though the majority claps tentatively, hoping that the villain will at least provide some laughs. Naraku seems unaffected by the less-than-enthusiastic response, continuing to wear that typical malicious smirk of his as the loudspeakers pump out James Hetfield's dark, soulful voice.

_**Come crawling faster. **_

_**Obey your master. **_

_**Your life burns faster. **_

_**Obey your master. Master! **_

A collective groan goes out over the crowd as the music does not come to a halt, but instead launches into the next part of the song. Naraku has made his point, but has overdone it as usual.

_**Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings,**_

_**Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams. **_

_**Blinded by me you can't see a thing,**_

_**Just call my name 'cause I'll hear you scream.**_

_**Master! Master! **_

_**Just call my name 'cause I'll hear you scream.**_

_**Master! Master! **_

"Greetings, puppets." Naraku says after the music finally stops, in a tone meant to send shivers running down hundreds of spines. The audience is not quite that impressed, groaning as the boo-birds make their voices heard again. Naraku looks perplexed for a moment but brushes it off.

"Perhaps I shouldn't have expected the masses of powerless mortals to accept my rule so easily. After all, _slaves_ can be quite troublesome," he growls, casting a glance back at Kagura, who seethes silently. But her head is held high; she is proud that she proved such a thorn in her master's side.

"And so can priestesses. Kikyou, why don't you just go die already? Oh, wait…you already did!" Naraku pauses, ostensibly waiting for laughter, but hears only a few muffled coughs. "And I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Comedy Central slated you to go before me. You _always_ get to 'go' first." Again a pause, but this time the crowd is more vocal in their displeasure. They are starting to get restless, perhaps sensing a train wreck on the horizon.

"What the fuck do you people know?" Naraku yells, his aloof façade cracking. He regains his composure, but only with some effort. "I think you're all just jealous. Look at everything I have accomplished. I have caused the deaths of thousands. I killed Kikyou not once, not twice, but _three_ times. I turned Kikyou and Inuyasha against each other and ground their budding love into the dust under my feet. And who do you think it was who actually collected most of the shards of the Shikon no Tama? That's right; it was _me!_ And to top it all off, I put a very creative, unique curse on Miroku's family while simultaneously giving him the worst excuse in history for groping someone. 'It's the cursed hand, I tell you!'" Naraku imitates contemptuously, holding up his right arm and shaking it for good measure. "Bullshit. I may be 'evil' by society's standards, but at least I'm not a sleazy pervert. I've never touched a woman inappropriately, though I've had countless opportunities to do so. I could have gotten half of Musashi forcibly pregnant by now, but unlike you, I have some restraint.

"Of course, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy making people suffer. Ah, I remember your grandfather, Miroku. He was a widely respected and powerful monk, but so, so easy to trick. All I had to do was transform into a beautiful woman and he was putty in my hands."

Lost in the memory, Naraku begins rubbing his hands together with a blissful smile on his face, that is until he senses his fellow roasters laughing at him, and realizes exactly what he's doing.

"Not _literally_, you perverts!"

Naraku receives his loudest applause of the night, but distinctly feels that they are laughing at him, not with him.

"Though I shouldn't have expected any less," he spits. "This show is full of perverts. Inuyasha wants to fuck a dead person, Sesshoumaru wants to fuck a child, and Kouga must secretly fuck his wolves since he's obviously not getting any from Kagome. And your hopeless, one-sided 'relationship' with Kagome is not the only one you seem to have misapprehended, Kouga. Earlier I believe you insinuated that I, what was it? Oh yes, I 'had my hands up the asses of my minions, literally or figuratively.' Please! Only a truly depraved individual would assume such a thing. My minions are my servants, objects that I have created to do my bidding. I _own_ them. I would not have sex with them any more than I would fuck any of my other belongings. You have a sick mind, Kouga. Get help.

"And _speaking_ of perverts… Kagome, you're quite the little hentai yourself, aren't you? Don't think we don't see it! And it's not just the way you dress, either. Grab that long, hard arrow, baby. Grip it nice and tight. Sight along the shaft. Yeah, just like that. Now pull…a little harder…oh, too hard! Too hard! Don't let it go off too soon!

"You like the dirty talk, don't you? Why else would you go for a guy like Inuyasha? That little pansy-boy from your time couldn't talk dirty if there was shit in his mouth. You spread your legs for Inuyasha practically the first time you met him. Granted, it was only to ride on his back, but still, have you no sense of decency? Inuyasha is not a horse, though his level of intelligence is comparable. Horses typically don't want to fuck their riders at all, never mind how badly Inuyasha wants to bang you. Think about that the next time you decide to 'mount' him. And yet, people who aren't as perceptive as I wonder what you're trying to accomplish by dressing like a slut. However, my dear, sweet Kagome, I know _exactly_ what you want. You're just begging for my tentacles, aren't you, bitch?"

Stunned silence reigns for half a second, then the crowd roars in outrage, the boos louder than ever. Naraku just smirks; he had been expecting it this time. Kagome glowers at him, her face beat red, and Inuyasha appears ready to explode at any moment. But Naraku has manipulated them before, and knows just how to push their buttons.

"That's right, Kagome. Get all pissy and offended. That's what you always do when you think someone is being a pervert. Or better yet, tell Inuyasha to 'Sit!' That _never_ gets old, and we all know that you secretly enjoy it, being the sadist that you are. How else can we explain why you slam his face into the dirt for every tiny transgression? Oh, right, because you're an immature, snooty little bitch who thinks she can treat the man she supposedly loves like a _dog_. Ah, that explains it."

Kagome scoffs, seemingly able to brush off the comments. But those closest to her can see that Naraku's words are affecting her, in large part because if a man like Naraku can look down on her for something, what does that say about her?

"But enough about that slut. Nobody would care about Kagome if my devious plan to drive Inuyasha and Kikyou apart hadn't worked. I didn't think it was possible, but my success made Inuyasha's life even more pathetic. And the truly amusing part is that Kagome's presence has only added to that! Inuyasha, I swear I saw you on Jerry Springer the other day. You know, the 'He murdered me and then ran off with my reincarnation' episode? You kept telling Kikyou that it wasn't you who had killed her, but she didn't care, did she? She's _never_ cared. Even though I dealt her that fatal wound, part of her will _always_ blame you. How does _that_ make you feel?

"But you know, some might say I was trying to do you a favor by keeping you and that crazy bitch apart. Too bad you didn't take the hint. I believe you were on Maury Povich last week for a paternity test, weren't you? You remember, the 'Who is this dead girl's baby daddy' show? Unfortunately, tests were inconclusive, but you can see the child at the Tokyo zoo in the 'We don't know what the fuck this is' exhibit. And Kikyou, weren't you on Oprah? Yeah, you told your story and everyone felt so bad for you. Oprah even agreed to name your book as her next 'Book of the Month!' Somehow, _'Evil Bitches Never Die'_ didn't become a best seller, though. Neither did your next work, _'I Promise It's Not Necrophilia!'_

"Oh, but Kikyou's not the only dead person I've had the _pleasure_ of dealing with. The vaunted Band of Seven that I had heard so much about turned out to be nothing more than a gang of unreliable, weak, idiotic misfits. They couldn't even handle Kouga, for Heaven's sake. I should have eliminated that insignificant pest myself, but I knew taking Kouga's shards would have been no challenge at all. It was much more fun to play with Inuyasha and his companions, and let one of my lackeys deal with the Poor Dumb Wolf. Trust me, Kouga, there's nothing 'big' or 'bad' about you.

"In addition to being completely useless as mercenaries, the Band of Seven lives a very suspicious lifestyle. Hmm, let's see. Seven men living, working, sleeping, and killing people together. No, that's not strange at all. What are you guys, like the gay mafia? If one of you gets 'whacked,' is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

The audience once again rises in collective jeers, mercilessly taunting the surprised speaker. "Wh-why are you booing me?" Naraku stutters angrily.

"That would be because you stole that line from Larry the Cable Guy," Miroku shouts from his barstool. "Git 'Er Done!"

Laughter follows Miroku's exclamation of the blue-collar comedian's signature line, leaving Naraku to shake his head and mutter to himself. "This is so not fair. Who knew Larry was so freaking popular?" Tapping his fingers impatiently, he waits for the audience to quiet down so he can continue.

"So anyway, bringing the Band of Seven back was a colossal waste of jewel shards. Now, Kohaku on the other hand, I don't regret reviving one bit. I had such fun with that boy. He had such horrible memories, and I took them all away. But his sister wanted him back, wanted him to remember everything. How cruel of you, Sango! Can't you see that your brother is better off not remembering that he's a bloodthirsty killer?"

Naraku shakes his head, feigning grief as he gets booed again. Sango is sitting stiffly once more, her jaw and fists clenched. This time it's Kagome who has her hand on her friend's shoulder for moral support, but the slayer knows she must deal with Naraku's harsh words on her own.

"I still cherish the look of despair on your face, Sango, as you realized your brother had slaughtered your family and friends. The destruction of your home village was almost as sweet. The pent up rage and bloodlust of those youkai, who had lived in fear of your village for years, was truly beautiful. The cries of the women and children as they were torn to pieces, the lamentations of the men as their loved ones were devoured before their eyes…I still have delicious dreams about that night. I'm sure you dream of it as well, and your failure to be there.

"Though I don't think you would have been able to save anyone. You weren't exactly the best ally back them. Your character has always been suspect. Your moods have gone full circle more times than your boomerang. If you were any quicker to play the martyr, you would save someone else the trouble and just kill yourself. First you wanted to save Kohaku, then you wanted to kill him and then yourself, and then you wanted him to live with you so you could be a good big sister again. What the hell? Do you really think Kohaku wants to live with a psychopath like you? I'm amazed the monk manages it, though we all know something's not quite right in his head.

"And let's not forget about the time you stole Tetsusaiga to save Kohaku, putting the life of your brother ahead of all your friends, the people who saved you from my deceit and were there for you when you needed them. Just where do your loyalties lie? If I had given you the chance to trade say, Shippou for Kohaku, would you have done it? How can any of them trust you? And I know Sesshoumaru doesn't; I'm amazed he hasn't slaughtered you yet for attempting to sacrifice Rin's life to save your precious houshi's. Again, I just can't comprehend how anyone can place their faith in you.

"But at least one of your companions should be used to having those closest to him betray his trust. Isn't that right, Inuyasha? How did it feel when Kikyou's arrow passed through your heart? What went through your mind when you learned that instead of killing you, she condemned you to an eternity of loneliness and suffering? I don't blame you for wanting the jewel. At least as a full-youkai, you could forget all the pain, and just focus on the incredible joy of cold-blooded murder. But you were so naïve back then. Did you really think the jewel would be able to transform that filthy half-breed body of yours into something that wasn't an abomination upon this earth?"

A low rumble goes through the crowd as many members of the audience point out that Naraku is a hanyou himself, but the dark hanyou has an answer for them.

"Yes, yes, I hear you, puppets. You're saying that I am a hanyou myself, but I do not agree. A hanyou is half youkai and half human. My body was created from one human and hundreds of youkai. How can I be a hanyou? I admit that I am not a full-youkai, but only by the smallest of percentages. Can you tell from looking at me that my blood is not as pure as Sesshoumaru's? You are a liar if you say you can. Now look at Inuyasha. Is it not abundantly clear that he is a revolting hybrid? On my own, I am more powerful than the strongest youkai in existence. Inuyasha is nothing without Tetsusaiga, a mortal whelp with a little youkai power. So, to help you slow-minded fools differentiate between half-breeds such as Inuyasha and demi-youkai such as myself, I have prepared a list, stated in simple, straightforward language so you can understand. And yes, I am parodying Jeff Foxworthy. I am Naraku. Foxworthy should consider himself privileged to aid me in rebutting your baseless and moronic accusations."

Naraku takes a moment to clear his throat, pulling a sheet of paper out of his robes.

"If the only people who will tolerate your presence are a bunch of misfits themselves, you might be a half-breed. If you've ever managed to get yourself collared by an old hag and a ditzy fifteen-year-old girl, you might be a half-breed. If your one and only servant in this world is a cowardly flea who runs at the first sign of danger, you might be a half-breed. If you find yourself being repeatedly outsmarted by kids, including fox and monkey youkai, you might be a half-breed. If once a month you get hyper-emotional and cranky, you might be a half-breed. That one also applies if you're a woman. If your own impending death makes you go insane and murder innocent people, you might be a half-breed. If your youkai father left the scene as soon as his human sex toy started whining about swollen ankles, you might be a half-breed."

There is movement off to the side of the auditorium, as a hulking form rises from its seat in the aisle, its huge eyes glowing with fury. But Naraku remains unawares, and continues his cruel tirade.

"If your whore of a mother regrets the day she ever birthed you, you might be a half-breed. If you…uh, if you…" Naraku trails off, finally noticing the huge figure stalking down the aisle in front of the first row of seats. He drops the paper as he realizes who it is, the piece of parchment fluttering harmlessly to the floor. "Th-that's all I have. G-goodnight!" he stutters, turning and trying to walk back to his barstool with some semblance of dignity. It is his final mistake of the evening. A massive hand shoots out and wraps around him, the fingers covering him from knee to shoulder in a vice-like grip. Naraku wheezes helplessly as he is lifted from the floor, and everyone on the dais is shown a sight they will never forget: Naraku's wide, panicked eyes as he is flung sideways with the strength of a thousand men. He impacts the auditorium's sidewall, which immediately implodes under the tremendous impact. When the dust clears, a light breeze and the sounds of car engines waft through a gaping hole at least ten feet in diameter. And outside that hole, those in the upper levels on the other side of the theater can glimpse a pile of rubble, with a few limbs sticking out of it.

The crowd explodes in a deafening roar, rivaling the fantastic outburst at the beginning of the show. The roasters on the dais are beside themselves with laughter; at least half of them are literally rolling on the ground. Not even Kikyou and Sesshoumaru can completely maintain their composures. In one fell swoop, Naraku's spell has been destroyed. His words, which had previously cut to the core, are now easily forgotten. The one responsible for all of this stands front and center, understandably overwhelmed. He takes a gracious bow, waving cautiously to his new fans. Someone starts a chant, which soon spreads through the entire auditorium, with even the roasters joining in.

"JI-NEN-JI! JI-NEN-JI! JI-NEN-JI!"

"That's my boy!" his mother shouts, though her voice is drowned out. Smiling brightly, her son returns to her side, and she pulls him down and hugs him around his massive neck. A collective expression of awe goes up, followed by another resounding ovation, causing both of them to blush. Miroku has by this time made his way back to the podium, and as the crowd settles down again, he resumes his duties as host.

"That just goes to show that sometimes improv is the best comedy," he observes. "I think this is a good time for our first and only intermission of the night. So if you need a drink or you're feeling that burrito you ate before the show, now's the time to take care of business. We'll be back in fifteen minutes."


	2. Chapter 2

Miroku's journey back to the podium is greeted with eager applause; the audience is hoping the second half will be even more entertaining than the first. The stragglers are still trickling in, but the monk kicks off the roast once more.

"Well, we're back from intermission. If it feels like we've been away for a long time, it's probably just because you had to suffer through ten minutes of Naraku before the break."

"FUCK YOU!" floats Naraku's voice through the auditorium's fancy new entrance.

After slowly pulling himself out of the rubble, he had dusted his clothing off but remained outside. Eventually, several individuals went out and an argument ensued. No one in the auditorium could make out the words, but Naraku could be seen adamantly shaking his head. It appears he is loath to come back inside and finish the roast, contract or no.

"I'd watch what I say if I were you," Miroku replied. "Our next roaster might take a statement like that literally. All right ladies and gentleman, our next roaster is quite possibly the most eccentric character on the show, and with these bunch of misfits, that's really saying something. Some might call him the show's token gay character, but there's nothing 'token' about him. Please give it up for Jakotsu!"

The audience rises in applause as the spotlight traverses the stage, only to reveal an empty seat on the couch.

"What? Where the hell is he?" Miroku demands.

"He never came back after the intermission," Kagura answers.

"Oh, for the love of… Hey, Jakotsu! Get your big cock-loving ass out here right no—"

_**Ba ba ba-da du-DA-DA!**_

Miroku puts his face in his hand, familiar with the tune. "Oh, no, tell me he didn't…"

_**Let's go, girls.**_

A guitar starts strumming out a low, syncopated, annoyingly catchy rhythm, soon joined by a solid drumbeat, and then Shania Twain's voice pulses out over the speakers.

_**I'm goin' out tonight, I'm feelin' alright,**_

_**Gonna let it all hang out. **_

Suddenly there is movement on the stage, the curtains swooshing at stage-left, behind the dais. Out prances Jakotsu in all his glory, clad in an immaculate black formal kimono. The garment sparkles as he moves, and no one can fail to notice how one side is drawn up, revealing one of his exquisitely shaven legs. He is artfully made up, his typical teardrop markings darkened in a manner that gives him a roguish appearance. His lips are painted in bright rouge, completing the scintillating look. He is flanked by four beautiful hunks dressed in obscenely tight black leather pants and crimson muscle shirts. He stops for a moment, gazing out at the collection of widened eyes staring back at him, and smirks. Three of the four remaining males on stage gulp nervously.

_**No inhibitions, make no conditions,**_

_**Get a little outta line. **_

Jakotsu locks eyes with the one who didn't, the immaculate Sesshoumaru. The daiyoukai appears to remain cool and composed even as the mercenary approaches, but from his vantage point Jakotsu can see what no one else can: Sesshoumaru's brow sweat. He knows every ounce of Sesshoumaru's control is being tested by a manicured hand trailing seductively across his chest, and his smirk widens.

_**The best thing about bein' a woman,**_

_**Is the prerogative to have a little fun, yeah.**_

Next in line is Kouga, and the ookami shrinks back as the amorous human shifts his focus to him. Jakotsu revels in the fear. He draws one delicately painted fingernail across the wolf's cheek before moving on in search of more attractive quarry.

_**Oh, oh, oh, really go wild, yeah, doin' it in style.**_

Crossing the stage, Jakotsu approaches the man of honor, the one he always thought was the most appealing. Inuyasha glares back at him, an almost deranged look in his eyes as he silently tells the mercenary not to come any closer. Jakotsu ignores the warning; he knows that any physical violence and Inuyasha voids his contract and therefore doesn't get paid for tonight's event. Boldly, he struts up to the hanyou, circling the chair of honor, adoring the way Inuyasha's ears twitch to and fro as he tries to follow his movements amid the din of the music and the crowd. After a full circle Jakotsu moves behind the hanyou again, reaching out a hand and giving one of the fuzzy appendages a tentative pinch. The ear flicks away, but that provides no dissuasion. With a small jump Jakotsu leans himself over the back of the chair and gives the other ear a long, slow lick. In an instant Inuyasha is up, swinging around to break the human's jaw - contract be damned! But Jakotsu has already skipped gracefully away, finally making his way toward the podium, just in time to join in the final words of the chorus.

_**Man, I feel like a woman!**_

Jakotsu waves to the audience, laughing gleefully, and they roar their approval. The reaction on the stage around him is slightly less enthusiastic. The men stew silently, the youkai each rubbing the violated part of their body as if scrubbing off an unpleasant memory, while Miroku counts his lucky stars that he had managed to get back to his seat unassaulted while Jakotsu had been approaching Inuyasha. Kagome, on the other hand, is being bodily restrained by Sango, not liking the fact that Jakotsu's _tongue_ was just on _her_ hanyou's ear. Kagura is still chuckling quietly to herself as she repeatedly relives her master's unceremonious exit, and even Kikyou has cracked a small smile.

"Okay, boys, you're dismissed," Jakotsu says to his sizzling hot companions. "I'll see you in my trailer when the show is over."

The boy-toys depart, their tight butts drawing the stares of more than half the audience as they head backstage.

"Now where did that luscious houshi go? Let's see…oh, there he is!" Jakotsu declares, pointing back to the dais where the spotlight has found Miroku twitching anxiously on his barstool. The monk looks ready bolt at any moment, so Jakotsu settles for blowing him a kiss. "I'll get you later, Miroku!" The monk shivers and slumps a few inches lower in his seat.

"All right, what a crowd, what a crowd! You have no idea how excited I am to be here, doing a show devoted to my darling Inuyasha. But before I start, I think I need to clear something up. There's a common misperception out there that I'll fuck anything with a cock, but that's just not true. I have standards! For example, I would _never_ sleep with Naraku. He's such a…"

Jakotsu stops mid-speech, motion off to the side drawing his attention. Kirara marches onto the stage in her large form, pulling an unhappy Naraku back to his stool by his torn suit jacket. The hanyou makes a muffled 'oomph' noise as the feline drops him on his face, then slowly, painfully picks himself up and seats himself on the stool with some miniscule level of dignity. Kagura is struggling to contain her mirth now, and none of the other roasters look the least bit sympathetic.

"Well, well, look what the cat dragged in." Jakotsu quips, earning himself a rude gesture from Naraku. "That's Kirara working security everybody!" A nice applause goes up for everyone's favorite neko-youkai, who nods her head and returns to her duties.

"Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes, I was just telling everyone why I wouldn't touch Naraku with _any_ pole, much less my own. He's such a sad, miserable little man. Naraku, you want everyone to fear you. You covet power and strive for domination, but do you ever notice how alone you are? Do you think anyone in the world actually wants you to live?"

Jakotsu pauses for a few moments, letting his words sink in. Then he ditches the serious mood and comes back with a much livelier demeanor.

"And he's such a horrible dresser! What, the full-body fur cloak look? Ugh, that is _so_ last century. And what's with the big creepy eye in the center of your chest? That says 'I see everything except for the fact that I'm destined to die at the end of the series.' And why does everything you wear have to be dark? We get it; you're goth or emo or some kinda crap like that. Your skin needs some serious work, though, and the dark colors just highlight how pale it is. So wear some light colors for a change, you fashion-challenged moron! Then maybe you won't be such an eyesore.

"And another thing. I just heard how you gave Miroku's grandfather the curse of the kazaana. So you tricked him by transforming into a woman, huh? Sheesh…typical heterosexual dope falling for something like that. But I digress. So you have the occasional drag moment, do you, Naraku? Not always the tough, macho man you want everyone to think you are? Well, let me tell you something, honey. I pull off the drag look _way_ better than you do, without shape-shifting.

"All right, that's enough about Naraku. Let's talk about someone more appealing, like…our tasty host over there." Jakotsu says, motioning to Miroku, who is still cowering off to the side.

"I remember the first time I laid eyes on him." he says, sighing wistfully. "He and Inuyasha made quite the pair, all intense looking and oh so enticing. I told Miroku he was sexy, and that I wanted to see his agonized face, and he asked Inuyasha if he could suck me up. The nerve! I was just paying you a compliment, my little monk-dumpling. As for your question, you can _suck_ me up anytime, baby. And who knows, maybe afterwards I'll return the favor." Jakotsu teases with a wink.

Miroku can be heard gagging, a sound which he quickly regrets.

"I didn't say I'd make you deep throat me, Miroku. But you certainly can if you want."

Now the monk is silent, though he is turning a nice shade of green.

"If only you weren't such a womanizer. I would be even more attracted to you if you didn't have the stink of women on you all the time. Sniffing your hand is almost like sniffing Sango's butt, which is something _you_ would do, but I have no interest in _that_ whatsoever. Honestly, I can appreciate you being a little bit of a pervert, but _why_ do you have to chase after women? It's such a waste! I have no idea why you keep going back to a woman who smacks you silly if you touch her in the wrong way. Well, actually, that's not true. I think I know _exactly_ why you continually subject yourself to such punishment."

Jakotsu lets a dramatic silence hang in the air before continuing.

"You're into pain, a regular masked masochist. And Sango, well she's a dominatrix in denial. If that black leather suit doesn't make her a sadist trapped in the closet I don't know _what_ does. You always grope her so she'll slap you…do you ever wish she'd slap you somewhere other than the face? Like bend you over her knee and smack your bottom red? And what about that staff of yours? Do you ever wonder what else you could do with it? If you let Sango stick it up your ass, it would jingle every time she spanked you. It would be like Christmas bells!

"And you!" he cries, pointing an accusing finger at Sango. "You're such a cock-tease, little miss 'all that'. Acting so high and mighty, don't you dare touch me! Yet look at you…shamelessly flaunting your ass in that tight black leather. I mean, you couldn't give _me _a hard-on if you tried, but that's beside the point. Instead of a giant boomerang, your weapon of choice should be a whip. I doubt Miroku would complain. He also wouldn't complain if you actually _gave him any_ once in awhile. But noooooo, the virgin has to wait for marriage. Screw that! You know what I think the real problem is? You're not _woman_ enough to handle a guy like Miroku. Relationships between virgins and players don't usually work very well. He wants you so bad, but you won't even let him _kiss_ you, let alone give him any kind of sexual pleasure. And you know he's never going to be faithful to you, so why do you bother? Just dump him already and let me have him! I'd whip him into shape.

"And speaking of whips, Sesshoumaru is another person who knows how to handle S&M paraphernalia. I just _love_ his energy whip. That thing would really leave a mark on some poor submissive! Sesshoumaru's smacked Inuyasha with it a few times, and that's the right idea, but what he really needs to do is get Inuyasha _naked_ and tied to a nice Saint Andrew's Cross before laying into him…"

Jakotsu trails off, savoring the erotic image before shaking his head and coming back to reality.

"Anyway, Sesshoumaru is a sexy guy, but he has several faults about him that are just major turn-offs for me. First off, have you ever heard the expression 'less is more,' Sesshoumaru? As in, _less_ makeup might make you look better. See this," Jakotsu says, pointing to his own face. "This is perfection. But you have those angry red slashes going, and they totally clash with that tranquil moon on your forehead. The whole look is just blasé to me.

"Do you remember when we fought, Sesshoumaru? You could have torn me to pieces, even inside Mount Hakurei's barrier, but you kept getting distracted by Suikotsu holding that girl hostage. And that wasn't the first time one of your enemies used her against you. Why would you allow her to become such a weakness? She's a _girl_, for heaven's sake! I mean, some of us men need to bite the bullet to procreate and continue the human – or youkai – race, but to be willing to die for a female? I just don't get that at all. And another thing I don't understand is how you can hate Inuyasha. Look at him, he's so cute and sexy and adorable and I just wanna cuthimupandfuckhim!"

The first few rows of the audience shrink back at the crazed look in Jakotsu's eyes, but he quickly recomposes himself.

"Hehehe, sorry about that. I just can't help myself with my little koinu sitting so close to me," he says, briefly batting his eyes at Inuyasha. "But I was talking about Sesshoumaru, wasn't I? The final turn-off is his personality. I like 'em feisty. I wanna know that when I slice my victim up he'll be cussing me out until he can no longer talk. And when I'm tearing up that ass, I wanna know he'll fight me for every inch. Cold men are no fun. If I can't make a man scream for mercy, I'm not interested. It's as simple as that.

"Another guy who's not my type because of his personality is Kouga. Okay, wolf-boy, remember how you said it must be torture for me to be in your presence? Please! You're not even worth a second glance when Inuyasha's around. How can you be so fucking arrogant? And the pure stupidity, chasing a woman - which is dumb anyway - who clearly doesn't even _want_ you. The best thing you have going for you is that short skirt - I mean loincloth. But even that can't mask your obvious faults. You freaking _ran away_ the first time Inuyasha pulled his sword on you! So you tell me, Kouga, why would I have any interest in someone like you? When it comes to swordplay, you're nothing but a giant pussy, and believe me honey, the _last_ thing I'm interested in is a giant pussy.

"And since we're on the subject of pussy," Jakotsu says with a miserable sigh, "I might as well talk about the other women. I'll start with Kagura. So you can animate dead bodies, eh, wind sorceress? A lot of people say you're a useless bitch with no special skills, but I'll set them straight. You're a blessing to all the necrophiliacs of the world! Corpse-fuckers need luvin' too. But at least you're not a corpse yourself, unlike Kikyou. Ick! Even if I _was_ into women, I wouldn't go anywhere near _that!_" Jakotsu declares, shuddering visibly.

"Your reincarnation, on the other hand, has a whole different set of problems. Kagome, you fucking piss me off. Just what _are_ you trying to accomplish wearing that ridiculously short skirt of yours? Advertise yourself to every male within seeing distance? Or in the case of these youkai…_sniffing _distance? Are you trying to give Shippou a reason to have a late growth spurt? And they call _me _indecent! Sure, there's nothing wrong with showing a little leg, but _come on! _Every time you charge into battle, you're showing off your 'assets', if you catch my drift. And speaking of catching drifts, keep your stink off of my hanyou! When I come up on him from behind, the _last _thing I want to smell is your nasty stench! I didn't think it was possible, but I finally found something that makes me gag…you. I guess what I'm trying to say is…STAY AWAY FROM MY HANYOU!"

The command is shouted at Kagome with such force that even the willful miko recoils, though only for a moment. Then she returns Jakotsu's vehement glare with one of her own, and one can almost see sparks of lightning shooting between them.

Jakotsu scoffs as he turns back to the audience.

"Stubborn bitch," he mutters under his breath, though no one misses the insult. "And he is _my_ hanyou," he continues, "even if he doesn't realize it yet. Oh, Inuyasha, we could have had such fun together, you and I. I was so close to fulfilling my wildest fantasies on Mount Hakurei. Do you wanna hear what they are?" he asks mischievously, glancing demurely over his shoulder at Inuyasha.

The hanyou is almost afraid to respond, because he knows Jakotsu will turn his words around into something perverted if he does. So he just sits there, fists and jaw tightly clenched, eyes closed in an attempt to tune out the world around him. The throbbing veins in his forehead and neck suggest that the tactic isn't working very well.

"All right, my little koinu, I'll take your silence as a 'yes.' You were in your human form, and I had already sliced you up real good. You were covered in blood, and it tasted so gooooood…"

Jakotsu temporarily zones out, licking his lips as he savors the remembered taste.

"You would have bled to death if your hanyou powers hadn't returned, but it would have taken awhile, which was _perfect_. Even so weak you resisted me, and that just made me want you even more. I would have taken my sweet, _sweet_ time, slicing off your clothes piece by piece. Maybe cutting your skin, too, just to hear that exhilarating involuntary hitch in your breath, or a muffled curse. When all your clothes were gone I would have run my hands all over that hard body of yours, smearing your blood, tasting it, tasting you, driving you wild with lust and loathing. You would have liked it, and you would have hated me for it. And then, when I had worked both of us up until we couldn't stand it anymore, I would have disrobed as well. You would have struggled mightily, fought so hard to keep me out, but in the end it wouldn't have made a difference. We join. Kami, you're so tight. Your insides throb, trying to push me out. I pull back, but only for a moment. Then I'm fully inside you again. Over and over and over we move together in a frenzy of pleasure and pain. I reach around and clutch you, my hand giving your body what it desperately wants, needs. Faster and faster we go, driving toward the brink. We spill our seed together, and in the throes of ecstasy I grab your hair and pull your head back, twisting it so I can look into those beautiful eyes, so dark with agony as I draw my blade across your throat. I watch as you gasp for breath, those mesmerizing eyes widening in terror. Then, the brightness dims, and your gaze becomes blank. I lay with you, still within you, as your lifeless body grows cold."

The auditorium is deathly silent now; spectators and roasters alike can scarcely breathe, let alone make a sound. Inuyasha is a mess. One of his eyes is wide with horror, and the other is twitching furiously. Thin pools of blood have formed on either side of his chair, fed by the puncture marks his claws have made in the skin of his palms. His mouth moves silently, as if reassuring his molested mind that it was all just a dreadful nightmare. He appears torn between bolting for the nearest exit, leaning over the side of the chair and hurling on the spot, and curling into the fetal position and weeping. Jakotsu, meanwhile, is still lost in his fantasies. A full-body shiver courses through him, snapping him back to reality.

"Whoa! Whew…almost lost it there," is all he says. Then he turns and walks back to the couch, eliciting a chorus of shocked gasps at the noticeable tent in his kimono. He reclaims his seat, crossing his legs daintily, looking extremely satisfied with himself. He now has nearly the entire half of the couch to himself, as Kagome and Sango are huddled together for comfort, and even Kikyou is visibly shying away from the depraved mercenary, her stoic demeanor shattered, though no one can blame her for it.

Miroku can be seen approaching Inuyasha's chair, gently tapping the hanyou on the shoulder. Inuyasha nearly jumps out of his chair, frantically looking around. Finally, he realizes where he is, and relaxes. The two men exchange a few hushed words, and apparently Miroku is satisfied that his friend is all right. He walks back to the podium, ready to resume his role as host.

"Okay…well, now that we're all officially scarred for life, I'd like to add a few things about the Band of Seven, and then hopefully we can be done with them forever.

"Kouga said you guys were like the Seven Dwarfs. That's a bunch of bull! Answer me this: what would you have done if you'd found Snow White sleeping in a bed in your house?"

Murmuring from the audience can be heard as everyone in attendance thinks over Miroku's quandary, the majority coming to the same conclusion as the houshi.

"Yeah, that's right. You would have had a fight over who got to kill her, and Mukotsu would probably be married to her corpse. So no, you guys are not like the Seven Dwarfs at all. You're actually more like the Seven Deadly Sins…"

Laughter rings out as the camera captures the remaining six 'of Seven' members in the audience, displaying their images on the monitor screen behind Miroku as he runs over his list.

"Bankotsu is pride, Mukotsu is Envy, Ginkotsu is Gluttony, Kyoukotsu is Anger…Hey, the guy died and nobody even cared. Yeah, he's pissed off all right. Let's see…who's left? I would say Suikotsu is Sloth, the man's 'other' personality just wants to sit around and heal people all day…not that I personally consider that a bad thing, but one must admit, it's hardly a proactive feat in the mercenary world. Of course, Renkotsu is Greed, which just leaves…"

"Pick me! Pick me!" is suddenly shouted from the couch and Miroku chuckles a bit despite himself.

"Of course, last but not least, we have Lust, and we _all _know who _that _is. Although, I'm not sure Lust does Jakotsu justice. There probably isn't a word in Japanese or English or _any_ language that encompasses the full measure of this guy's perversion. And after that sickening description of his 'fantasies,' I am incredibly grateful to Comedy Central for imposing an age limit for this event. I think they saved Inuyasha and the Higurashi family years of expensive therapy for Souta and Shippou.

"So our favorite fox kit couldn't be here this evening, but that doesn't mean we're leaving him out. Shippou has submitted a video, which we will now play on the big screen. Roll tape!"

The screen flickers to life, and Shippou appears immediately thanks to some crisp video editing. His head and shoulders are visible against a white wall, the camera zoomed in fairly close. He is wearing his feudal era attire, short stature his excuse for not dressing up. It would probably be difficult to find his size in anything besides baby clothes.

"Hello everybody," he begins with a wave to the camera, "sorry I couldn't be there tonight. I hope Miroku was able to introduce this video without saying something perverted about it; he's the _reason _I couldn't be there in person."

Miroku looks mildly offended; he _had_ in fact refrained from saying anything hentai about Shippou. "I am so misunderstood," he states in the break in Shippou's dialogue, receiving a generous amount of laughter for the classic line. Then the fox begins speaking again.

"The producers wanted me, but they couldn't promise Comedy Central a clean enough show for my 'young ears' to withstand. Apparently all the cussing didn't bother them. No, it was the lewd commentary that pushed the envelope. I guess they didn't consider the fact that I'm used to it by now. It's always 'such a beautiful young woman' this and 'will you bear my child' that. Honestly, Miroku, you're the reason my kind likes to transform into 'beautiful young women'…guys like you are super fun to pull pranks on. And yeah, okay, so you're the hottest, smoothest guy on the show. Big deal! Look at the rest of these losers! Being the most desirable male out of _these_ guys is like being the most handsome wolf-demon in Kouga's tribe. As Inuyasha might say, they're a bunch of ugly bastards, and so are all of you. And I'm not just talking on the outside. Every single one of you has something seriously wrong upstairs.

"I could talk for hours about each of you, but I have a feeling the other roasters are going to cover just about everything. So since I don't want to use up all my time cracking jokes when I have no way of knowing if they're truly original or just variations of something that's already been said, I'm going to use my time wisely and share with all of you something that I _know _nobody else has access to: my photo album. You see, once upon a time Kagome gave me a cheap little camera, just something fun for me to 'play with,' as she put it. It all started when she brought a camera back to the Feudal era to take some pictures of everyone. I guess she wanted to show our world to her mother back in this time, and because of our curiosity she explained to all of us what a camera is. Now, I'll have you know that not only am I a rising artist in the more traditional sense, but I'm also an expert photographer. Here, I'll show you…"

On the monitor screen, the camera angle pans back slightly, revealing the fact that Shippou is sitting in front of a desk with a closed photo album before him. Opening the book, everyone can see that it is full of 8x10 prints, one photograph per page, though nobody can make out what they look like from this angle. Pealing back the protective film covering the first picture, he removes it, holding the photo towards himself at first, his expression thoughtful.

"You know, Miroku, now that I think about it, I stand corrected. You're the _second_ most desirable guy on the show, after yours truly. I mean, I get a new girlfriend at just about every village we stop in. I could start my own mini-harem if I wanted to. But unlike you, I know how to keep my hands to myself. The key is to use _words_ to get what you want, like a kiss here and there. Words, then touch. Words, then touch. You can't just start with touch, because then you get slapped. And for a graphic illustration, here's my first picture…"

Shippou flips over the 8x10 for the camera to zoom in on, and the flat screen monitor is suddenly aglow with the first of many artfully captured 'Kodak moments.' This particular photo was taken from ground level behind Miroku. Sango's hand is already past his cheek, and his head has snapped to the side. We see Miroku's face contorting and droplets of spittle flying through the air. In the background, Sango is flushing in anger while Inuyasha and Kagome look on in surprise.

"Of course, sometimes it's even worse than a slap across the cheek. You sure paid dearly for this one, and Inuyasha paid unfairly. While I like getting Kagome to subdue him, it's only fun when you get him to do something all by himself so that he actually _deserves_ it. It's bad enough having one hentai in the group, so _please _try to refrain from showing others the 'wonders' of your ways. Considering the end result, I named this picture 'Prelude to a black eye.'"

In the still-image suddenly engulfing the screen, Miroku has grabbed an alarmed Inuyasha's wrist and is holding the hanyou's hand against Kagome's ass. Sango can be seen brandishing a fist in the background. The fist is for Miroku, but the rosary beads are already glowing from Kagome's 'Sit' command.

Over in the Hot Seat, Inuyasha grumbles under his breath about how he never 'deserves' getting _sat_. Glancing her way in that moment, Inuyasha locks eyes with the slightly embarrassed though also somewhat amused miko's gaze. She shrugs.

"Now, at one point, Kagome must have forgotten that she'd given me that camera…" comes Shippou's voice through the speaker system, pulling everyone's attention back to the monitor, the future-born miko's look of amusement quickly making way for one of mild concern.

"…otherwise, I'm sure she would've been more careful to make sure I wasn't around at times like this," the kitsune continues, holding up his next picture. "I call it 'Peek-a-Boo I see you', and it's open to viewer interpretation whether you think I mean how _I _see _her_, or how _she _sees _them_."

The picture is of one of the larger hot springs the inu-gang has stopped at on multiple occasions throughout their travels. Miroku and Inuyasha's topless forms can both be seen from mid-chest up as they sit apparently talking in the steamy pool towards the upper left corner of the image, but they are not the main subject matter of the photo, and are slightly out of focus. In the foreground, a side view of the shrubbery surrounding the hot spring taken from a downward angle by one of the branches of a nearby tree, patches of a very different shade of green, paired with white and a tiny splash of red can easily be seen through the leaves. A hand is visible to the camera, but not to the unsuspecting bathers, the appendage connected to a white sleeve and positioned holding a thin branch bent downward and out of the way. But the presence of this hand does not necessarily point to a single guilty party alone. Upon closer examination of the photo, sprinkles of pink can also be seen through the gaps in the foliage, revealing that there are in fact _two _spies.

Over on the dais, Kagome and Sango seek comfort from a co-conspirator as they turn towards one another while slumping down in their seats and raising their hands in front of their faces. Their male co-roasters go as crazy as the audience, hooting and whistling. Miroku sends an especially perverted wink Sango's way when the slayer bravely – or stupidly – glances up in his direction, causing the audience to laugh even harder. Over in the Hot Seat, an evil grin has appeared on Inuyasha's visage, revealing a fang. He's so elated at the notion of the runt having dirt on Kagome that it's overriding any embarrassment at the thought of being peeped at.

"Now in this next picture…" Shippou's voice continues, breaking the spell. "…remembering I had the camera wouldn't have helped her very much. I call this picture 'The Perfect Storm.'"

We see that this is a zoomed out picture featuring the entire inu-gang, plus one. Kagome is facing us, an alarmed and embarrassed look on her face as she holds the front of her skirt down with both hands, which of course does nothing to keep the back from flying up. The reason for her fluttering garment is just off to the right, where the last vestiges of Kouga's whirlwind are dissipating. The wolf is standing on one foot and leaning awkwardly to the side, as if he saw something that stopped him in his tracks. Obviously he did, since he is staring squarely at Kagome's ass. Farther in the background, Inuyasha and Miroku can also be seen staring, even bending forward to get a better look. Sango is covering her face with her hand in exasperation.

In this moment in time, on the dais, Sango places her hand on Kagome's shoulder, a silent show of support as the girls' eyes meet for a moment, while they do their best to ignore the continuous snickering of the men seated behind them. Kouga is clearly amused, and in no way repentant for the role he played, while Miroku, as well as Inuyasha, both have faraway looks in their eyes, undoubtedly remembering the moment for themselves.

"And that wasn't the only time I caught Inuyasha looking up her skirt!" Shippou declares, the camera back on him now. Snapping out of his reverie, Inuyasha's ears lower to his head as he glares at the screen, instantly not liking where this is going.

"This one is entitled 'Caught in the act.' Just what are you looking at, Inuyasha?"

In this photo, said hanyou is lying with his nose in the dirt, having clearly been subdued moments prior. His eyes are panned upward, and Kagome is standing above him with her skirt flapping in the breeze.

Instantly forgetting her previous embarrassment, Kagome's fury sparks to life in the face of Shippou's latest revelation. Never mind the fact that she had only moments prior been caught peeping herself, or that she should have known better than to stand so closely over Inuyasha's head while wearing a skirt. This wasn't about logic, damn it!

Noticing the miko's instant shift in mood, it's Inuyasha's turn to slump in his seat slightly, both embarrassed and guilty, not to mention angry with Shippou. This is all the runt's fault.

Speaking of…

"I like to call this one 'Near miss.'"

In this picture, Kagome has just fired an arrow at a stationary target, but she missed more than a little to the right. Inuyasha is hanging onto a tree trunk ten feet from the ground, the arrow buried solidly in the tree right below his crotch. He is looking back at Kagome with fear and fury in his eyes while she just looks sheepish.

Over on the dais, the miko's temper immediately cools at the sight of this latest photo, a similar sheepish grin being sent Inuyasha's way. Said hanyou meets her gaze, but repays her with a glare, the memory of _that _day forever engraved in his mind.

"Aw, Kagome, you missed!" Kouga chimes in suddenly, chuckling as he teases the miko sitting in front of him who pointedly ignores the comment. "Who knew you almost took out the competition for me?"

"Fuck you!" Inuyasha shouts back from his place in the Hot Seat.

"No thanks, you're getting me confused with Jakotsu," Kouga replies.

Said mercenary crinkles his nose in utter disgust at the notion of being confused with the barbaric wolf-youkai.

Inuyasha shudders at the mention of the undead mercenary for a different reason, but is soon to retort with, "That's not hard to do! Considering that aside from tonight, you're always dressed in a skirt even shorter than Kagome's!"

"Why you no good—"

"Boys, boys…" Miroku chimes in suddenly, gesturing with a hand to the stilled monitor on the back of the stage. "Shall we continue?"

Wordlessly, the ookami and inu both cross their arms and huff out a breath of frustration while slouching their postures slightly.

"Now this one is one of my favorites…" Shippou's voice continues then, as the boy's image up on the monitor is shown pulling out yet another photograph. "I like to call it, 'I think I lost something.'"

Lighting up the monitor, Inuyasha's image is frozen comically, staring at his empty hands. A hulking youkai stands before him, and Tetsusaiga is sticking up out of the earth between them. The other members of the inu-gang are visibly gaping in the background.

"Took that bastard out even without Tetsusaiga…" Inuyasha mumbles quietly to himself.

"Now, they say a picture is worth a thousand words," Shippou says next. "I say this next one is priceless. I call it 'Mistaken identity.'"

The picture was taken indoors, in what appears to be a village Inn, a floor screen folded off to the side that would provide privacy between the men and women later that night. Presently, the women are unaccounted for. Inuyasha is in the foreground, stiffening in alarm. Miroku is behind him, googly-eyed, with one hand on the hanyou's ass and the other closed around a jug of sake.

The audience erupts into laughter as this latest image is displayed larger than life upon the monitor. Inuyasha twitches, looking like he's about ready to leap out of his chair and smash the video screen, though he somehow manages to contain himself. Over on the dais, the other roasters are all having a good laugh as well, especially at Miroku's confused expression. He has no memory of this occurrence, though he isn't above laughing at himself as he too chuckles a bit, silently vowing to watch how much he drinks in the future.

"This next picture I affectionately call 'Don't let him in the house!'"

In this latest image, Inuyasha is standing outside Kaede's doorway after having been caught in a rainstorm. He looks every bit like a miserable, wet dog. The angle of this particular picture clearly reveals that it was taken from the _inside _of Kaede's hut, presumably by a photographer who was nice and dry at the time the picture was taken.

"Don't worry everyone, Kagome took pity on him and let him in, which she might not have done if she'd seen this next picture… I call this one 'What is he doing?' You tell me."

This photo was clearly taken from behind some bushes, as foliage is obstructing some of the image. The scene is once again of a hot spring the inu-tachi frequent on a fairly regular basis, this one smaller and more secluded than the last. Inuyasha is currently sitting in the steamy water alone, his held tilted back slightly, his eyes pinched shut with his mouth hanging open in a silent scream. Anything below the water's edge is artistically obscured by the blurry foreground of leaves from the bushes the photographer is crouching behind, but from the visible angle of Inuyasha's elbow, there's really no question as to where his hand is located.

Over on stage-right, Inuyasha's face bursts into flame while the audience bursts into laughter, and then to add insult to injury, the not-so-innocent child up on the video monitor begins taunting him as though he were there in person.

"You're just lucky Kagome hadn't given me a _video _camera, which would have also included _audio_…" Shippou teases, the camera recording him having panned out to show his image on the monitor once again, the boy still holding the latest 8x10 print against his chest to make sure everyone in the audience has time to permanently memorize the inu-hanyou's 'O' face.

Over in the Hot Seat, which has suddenly become much hotter, Inuyasha jumps to his feet for the second time that evening, clearly about ready to launch an attack on the video monitor. Suddenly, Kirara is by his side, roaring gently in a manner that clearly means she understands his feelings but he's still not going anywhere. The nekomata is taking her job of security for the evening very seriously. Huffing, Inuyasha looks off to the side, grumbling under his breath at the sight of the executive 'suits' for the network he can see speaking into their headsets. Muttering something to himself about the next time he sees Shippou that the microphones don't quite pick up, the inu-hanyou plops back down into his seat. With the entire disturbance happening within the span of five seconds, the kitsune's video continues playing uninterrupted.

With the latest photo finally put away, the camera has now zoomed in on Shippou's face for the child's 'sincere' moment of the roast.

"So Inuyasha, what have we learned about you? You like to look up Kagome's skirt, you stare at her when you think nobody's looking, and then of course there's that 'mystery thing' in the hot spring… I may just be a 'little kid', but those actions sound more like those of a stalker than a love interest. I would expect that sort of thing from say, Kouga, for example. Even with all your faults, he's _way _more stalker-ish than you are. Still, I take it that you haven't made much progress with Kagome since I asked you the first time how far you'd gone with her? If I had known it was going to take you _this _long to make a move, I would've done what a few different fanfiction authors have come up with over the years and used my kitsune magic to trick a confession of love out of you."

Sighing, Shippou rubs his hand against the back of his head before admitting, "Though…you did avenge my father's death, and then there's the whole 'taking me in' thing when you guys didn't have to let me tag along with you. I'm sure I cramped your style, assuming you would've actually gathered the courage to approach Kagome had I not become a third wheel all of a sudden. Most say it's because you know what it's like to grow up an orphan in the wild, and deep down, you'd wanted to spare me from that fate. Sure, you're fun to tease, especially when I can make you angry enough to try and attack me so that Kagome will use the rosary, but really, you're a good guy, Inuyasha. Thanks for putting up with all my crap."

The audience applauds as the monitor goes black for a moment, before switching back over to a close-up view of the camera angles provided for the viewers at home, Miroku's enlarged visage coming into focus as those present in the auditorium once again shift their attention to the houshi up at the podium.

"Well, that was certainly revealing. I think we all underestimated little Shippou. He's not nearly as innocent as we thought! I will have to be more careful and watch what I say and do around him from now on. It just goes to show you that even children can get the dirt on you if you're not careful. Right, Sesshoumaru?"

The daiyoukai's eyes widen ever so slightly, though no one notices. The narrowing of his eyes afterwards is perceptible to those in close proximity, however. The houshi is treading on thin ice.

"I can only imagine what kind of dirt Rin has on Sesshoumaru. If only we could've gotten her to do a video! But alas, she's far too sweet to say anything bad about anyone. Though what she sees in Sesshoumaru I'll never know. I suppose he did save her life, so perhaps she glimpses the good side of him that none of us have _ever_ seen. Though he does occasionally do things to make you believe he's not a total bastard, like sparing Inuyasha's life when he turned full-youkai. I guess Sesshoumaru is the kind of person who wants people to think he's a stoic, emotionless guy, but deep down inside, he truly _cares_ about a human girl, his half-brother, and yes, even his amphibian-youkai retainer."

Over on the dais, Sesshoumaru's eyes narrow further, clearly indicating that out of everything that has been said about him thus far, Miroku's comment that he secretly 'cares' about those closest to him is by far the most insulting. Out in the audience, the aforementioned amphibian-youkai retainer can be heard praising the kami at this revelation with a cry of "I knew it was so! Blessed be, oh mighty Sesshoumaru-sama!"  
That of course only adds fuel to the inu-youkai's fire, though Jaken is promptly ignored as Miroku continues without delay, gulping nervously as he catches Sesshoumaru's narrowed gaze.

"Still, I would not want to be in the same room with him right now if I didn't know he was under contract to not cause any of us physical harm. In fact, I'm still not sure how I feel about being in the same room with him, so let's get this over with. Please welcome, Sesshoumaru!"

After witnessing firsthand the unflattering sense of humor of the roast's executive producers with regard to selecting musical accompaniment, Sesshoumaru is mildly curious as to what song has been chosen for his own introduction, as he had also deliberately failed to select one for himself, having possessed no interest in doing so. As the instantly recognizable electric guitar cord suddenly blares to life throughout the auditorium's sound system, he gives no outward appearance to acknowledging that, just perhaps, that decision had been unwise.

The other roasters are desperately trying not to laugh out loud.

_**(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!**_

_**(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!**_

_**(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!**_

_**(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!**_

Mentally rolling his eyes, though refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of witnessing such an occurrence for themselves, Sesshoumaru rises gracefully to his feet, fully aware that the music will continue to play until he reaches his designated position at the podium. To hurry would be to reveal his disdain. Revealing his disdain, however, is not something he has a problem with regarding the monk. As the two pass one another on the stage, Miroku does his best to give the glaring daiyoukai a wide birth without making it obvious, as he practically scurries back to his seat. The elder inu-youkai effortlessly exudes power from his every pore wearing an elegant, shimmering white kimono that bears a striking resemblance to his Canon ensemble, save for the lack of fur and armor adornments. It was a requirement that they 'dress up' for the occasion, but no other specifics had been given. From Sesshoumaru's point of view, they are lucky he has agreed to alter his wardrobe at all. Although, perhaps if he had shown up in what the producers would have deemed more masculine attire…

_**Cruised into a bar on the shore,**_

_**Her picture graced the grime on the door.**_

_**She a long lost love at first bite.**_

_**Baby maybe you're wrong, but you know it's all right.**_

_**That's right.**_

Reaching the podium and finally putting an end to such utter nonsense as the so-called music begins fading off until nothing can be heard aside from the combination of laughter and applause from the audience, Sesshoumaru takes a moment to simply take it all in. There are no papers on the podium before him; he has compiled no notes for the evening. His intellectual level is such that no 'notes' are needed for an occasion such as this. As the audience begins to settle down, he knows precisely how to greet the crowd.

"We have heard a lot of supposedly comical things here tonight, but the one thing that is the most amusing to me is that all of you will die thousands of years before I do. You have no idea how happy that makes me."

In a display that everyone in attendance finds outstandingly disturbing, the edges of Sesshoumaru's lips curl upward ever so slightly in a sinister smirk that looks quite out of place on the daiyoukai in any setting other than a fierce battle in which his enemy has just committed a fatal strategic error. Some of the more squeamish members of the audience shift uncomfortably in their seats, while the roasters up on the dais exchange nervous glances with one another.

As quickly as it appears, the smirk is gone, Sesshoumaru's golden eyes narrowing once more as the successor Inu no Taisho takes a moment to truly think over some of the things that have been said thus far.

"This Sesshoumaru has received repeated criticism for whom he chooses to keep in his company. Although this one is not required to explain himself to those who are beneath his status, which would be everyone present here this evening, I am, however, honor bound to play along with this idiotic spectacle you call a roast."

Shifting his eyes to briefly meet the gazes of a few of his fellow roasters, he continues.

"You should learn to be more careful of whom you choose to verbally assault. Were it not for the little girl herself whom your minds are so quick to defile, I would not have permitted breath to reenter your bodies upon uttering such vile and ludicrous filth. The peace treaty that Comedy Central calls a contract clause is of zero concern of mine; they are powerless to threaten any form of retribution that would affect this Sesshoumaru in any way. The thought of financially remunerating this Sesshoumaru is incomparably the greatest joke of the evening, their 'charitable donations' neither bespoken nor desiderated.

"Moreover, it is solely for Rin's sake, as she has underhandedly been made aware – however vaguely – of the concept of tonight's proceedings, that I have agreed to abide by the so-called 'rules' of this fiasco. To put it bluntly, as I realize most of you would be incapable of understanding anything otherwise, she knows there will be degrading, dishonorable and untrue statements aimed towards this Sesshoumaru, and I have given her my word that I would end no one's life as a direct result of the things said here this evening. Sneer all you want, while you are blessed with this single opportunity with which to do so, that once again I have unwillingly permitted Rin's presence in my life to provide those around me with a means of manipulation, but that singular and minute inconvenience pales immeasurably in comparison to the unfathomable depths of which each of you have pierced my sides as the thorns you truly are. To even suggest hypothetically that this Sesshoumaru were capable of engaging in what has been repeatedly insinuated here tonight is comparable to implying that the monk is a man of the utmost integrity, or that the undead miko retains a reasonable level of sexual desirability."

Gradually loosening up, especially in the face of what is quickly realized was actually a joke uttered by the mighty daiyoukai, a few of the other roasters and most of the audience snicker quietly to themselves as the inu-youkai proceeds to demonstrate that he is in fact perfectly capable of holding his own in such a setting.

"Of course…" he continues then, "The questions still remain, do they not? And ones that I have asked myself on numerous occasions. Why did I save Rin? Why do I continue to allow her to accompany me? Let me ask you this…is it so unreasonable to fathom that this Sesshoumaru may desire companionship from something other than a sniveling toad-youkai?"

"Lord Sesshoumaru!" Jaken cries out despondently, earning the attention of a few people seated directly around him, but nobody else, as he laments to deaf ears, "How could you say such a thing? After all my years of faithful servitude…" The kappa's words trail off after a moment when he realizes that all eyes are once again on the shimmering daiyoukai on stage, who has continued talking uninterrupted. "I'm not a toad," he mumbles to himself miserably.

"So why a small human child?" Sesshoumaru asks the audience. "Let us take a brief look at the other possible options that have been presented here this evening…

"A pushy, overbearing kaze-youkai who would admittedly crave taking this one's immaculate body to bed every night. I think not. If I had any desire to copulate with someone less attractive than myself, I may as well choose Jaken. You are all equal to the kappa in constitution when held in comparison to this Sesshoumaru.

"Or how about an even pushier young miko from the 21st century? No thank you. Despite the fact that this Sesshoumaru would not stoop to stealing a woman from his own half-brother, hanyou or no, any woman who could become infatuated with a half-breed to begin with is so far below this Sesshoumaru's station that I would sooner throw her to the wolves than take her for myself. She might enjoy the wolves' company, anyway."

Over on the dais, Kagura looks more than a little put out while Kagome visibly shudders, and Kouga is sporting an unquestionable smirk that reveals he agrees with Sesshoumaru about Kagome enjoying a certain wolf's company.

"Given these 'tantalizing' options…" Sesshoumaru continues then, "I will choose the little girl who doesn't talk back, obeys without question or hesitation, calls me 'Sesshoumaru-sama' and basically worships the ground I walk on. At least _somebody _knows their place, which is quite the rarity among human females, or so I have come to discover."

Sesshoumaru glances toward the dais for only a moment, and Kagome feels a chill run down her spine at the intensity of the daiyoukai's gaze.

"As for you, miko who has dared stand up to this Sesshoumaru without a single speck of fear in her scent…while I find your mannerisms and style of dress both exceedingly distasteful, and the company you keep even more so, it has been this one's observation that your powers are truly formidable against most youkai weaker than myself. Truly, your only major flaw, aside from being human, of course, is your desire and care for the degenerate half-breed."

Blinking, it takes the miko a moment to realize that Sesshoumaru's words could actually be considered a compliment of sorts. He doesn't allow her to dwell on it for long, however, before quickly moving on.

"And you, human who dresses like a common wench…" he begins with an air of disdain, his eyes locking onto Jakotsu's uncaring gaze. "Our 'battle,' if one can truly call it that, was one of the most despicable displays of cowardice this Sesshoumaru has ever witnessed. You drew this one inside the purity of the barrier, held Rin as a hostage, and tried to distract me by threatening her life. Yet still, you posed no challenge whatsoever. Were it not for your unnatural ability to survive a gaping hole through the chest, you would have been slain by this Sesshoumaru's hand."

Raising said hand in question, Sesshoumaru takes a moment to admire the elegant way in which his deadly claws shine in the spotlight, as he slowly curls his fingers in a menacing gesture. Even those seated at the far back of the auditorium can instantly recognize the lethal strength resting idly before them. Lifting his left arm to repeat the move with deliberate precision, the daiyoukai takes a moment longer to silently gather himself, lowering both arms before shifting his gaze off to the side once more, his eyes locking this time onto the nervous blue orbs of a certain wolf-youkai.

"Yes, wolf, I will admit to a temporary setback resulting from an early confrontation with the hanyou, though as you yourself pointed out, the power was not truly his own, but rather, that of Father's misguided inheritance. I still say the whelp is undeserving of such a powerful sword, though he successfully claimed the Tetsusaiga as his own, however unjustly, when he tainted it with the stench of his own inferior fang, an atrocious insult in its necessity to repair a blade that should never have been broken.

"Be that as it may, if there is one single ability of which this Sesshoumaru would begrudgingly admit failure to possess, it is the mastery of time. I can no sooner alter events that have already come to pass than I can express genuine remorse for the fate that befell your subordinates. While this Sesshoumaru may not be entirely indefectible when it comes to underestimating the aptitude of one's enemy, you appear to possess the uncanny ability to continuously misreckon any given situation. You dare to taunt this Sesshoumaru with regard to past dealings with Naraku, a testament to your lower intelligence if ever there was one, and yet you are among those who have suffered the greatest at the dark hanyou's hand. And for what? You were unconnected to Inuyasha in any way until the moment you knowingly and willfully claimed possession over shards of the Shikon no Tama, branding yourself as a target for the spider in the process. I feel no dissatisfaction in the face of karmic justice against those who have so openly brought their own destruction upon themselves, even when said destruction is executed at the hands of a somewhat less than cooperative underling."

Over on the dais, Kouga is silent, for once, as he and the wind-youkai share a quick look.

"Kagura…" Sesshoumaru says then, in his standard, monotone voice, the hardness around his eyes lessening in the slightest of ways so that only somebody who truly knows the daiyoukai will recognize the difference.

"While I may possess no physical attraction to a body that was artificially constructed from the remains of uncounted lesser youkai, that does not imply that this Sesshoumaru desired to watch you suffer at the hands of your creator. But let us remember, as you have so often claimed yourself: you are the wind, and one does not mourn the loss of an element. Moreover, one does not mourn that which cannot be taken away. A force of nature such as the wind is one of the few things in existence that cannot be destroyed. Its power can be harnessed, used for the gain of another, but ultimately, the wind can rise in strength and demolish all that rests in its path. Only a fool would believe he can maintain control over such power forever.

"Of course, it is hardly surprising that such poor judgment would be found in the mind of someone who simultaneously empowered and belittled all those unwittingly ensnared into his servitude. There is no greater formula for dictatorship mutiny than to allow one's servants to realize that you have commanded them to perform a task that you yourself are incapable of completing, while systematically granting them the necessary power with which to do so."

Meeting Naraku's gaze for a moment, Sesshoumaru's eyes narrow noticeably as he asks with the tiniest hint of emotion in his voice, "Was it only a game to you? Were you aware of how your serfs despised you, yet you did not care? Did you truly believe you would possess the upper hand forever? The game of chess does not come equipped with an endless supply of pawns, Naraku, and for good reason. While the pawns are always the first to fall in any battle, those who manage to survive will increase their power tenfold. Though perhaps a less sophisticated analogy would better suit an insect such as yourself. A spider may toy with a wasp it has captured in its web, but even the spider knows that it will eventually get stung. And speaking of Hell-wasps…"

Pausing for only a moment, Sesshoumaru shifts his gaze in Inuyasha's direction before quickly glancing back over towards the dais, his expression unreadable as he locks eyes with the undead priestess.

"False miko, you eschewed mention of this Sesshoumaru in your routine, and I would reciprocate with one exception. You and Naraku share a singular similarity, that being in your misguided belief that Inuyasha's life is yours to take. If you wish to avoid arousing this Sesshoumaru's wrath, you will cease and desist such absurdity without delay. Inuyasha's life has always been mine to take, and shall continue to remain so until the day _I _kill him. The actions of anyone who wishes to interfere shall be considered synonymous with wishing to end one's own life, and I shall not hesitate to officiate my assistance with your suicide."

Over on the dais, from the look on Kikyou's face it's clear that she wants to argue, though she wisely chooses to hold her tongue. From the sincerity in Sesshoumaru's gaze, the undead miko has zero doubt that he would make good on his threat, Inuyasha's feelings on the matter be damned.

"Of course," the daiyoukai continues, "I am pleased to say that is the only similarity you share with the vile _half-breed_ known as Naraku. You would not be much of a priestess otherwise. And yes, Naraku, I called you a half-breed. Despite your pathetic attempt to differentiate yourself from the likes of Inuyasha, you _are_ a hanyou. Any creature who is tainted by even the tiniest fraction of human blood should be referred to as such. To state otherwise is the height of ignorance. And not only are you a hanyou, Naraku, but you are the worst kind of hanyou. You stoop to the level of humans with your despicable schemes and underhanded ways. Those foolish, self-important daimyo hold nothing on you. At least they command allegiance from their followers. At least Inuyasha has earned the loyalty of those he calls his friends. Naraku, you have earned devotion from no one. There is not a single person on this Earth who genuinely wishes that you live another day. No one will miss you when you are dead and gone. You are the lowest of the low, and to waste any more breath speaking about you would be highly imprudent of me."

Sesshoumaru pauses, receiving hearty applause as his eyes pan sideways, taking in Inuyasha's pleased smirk. The daiyoukai is obviously not thrilled to see it, and he immediately attempts to wipe it away.

"So yes, Inuyasha, you are better than Naraku. Congratulations," he spits in what most of the roasters _swear_ is sarcasm. "That is like saying a ball of feces is better than a pile of it. It is still excrement, just a smaller quantity. Still, I suppose for a hanyou, you are reasonably strong. That you have survived in a world that is rightfully hostile towards your kind is testament to that. Were it not for Tetsusaiga, I would have crushed you like the insect you are long ago. You have lived through our battles because of Father's incommodious inheritance, a large measure of good fortune, and your ability to take physical damage and remain standing. Your fighting 'skills,' if one can truly call them that, are still those of a mere child. The best compliment I can give you is that you are a survivor. And, thanks to the blood of my father flowing through your veins, you are stronger than most of the vermin inhabiting this planet."

Without another word, the daiyoukai steps down from the podium and strides regally to his seat. He makes a point to glare at Miroku as they pass, his silent message abundantly clear. 'This Sesshoumaru will tolerate no more words of disparagement from the likes of you.' Miroku gulps, glancing down at the note cards he had been writing on all evening while the other roasters were at the podium, helping him plan his rebuttals. He removes the top two and stuffs them in his pocket, to be burned as soon as the show is over. He must get rid of the evidence.

"Uh…okay, moving on! Now this next roaster…" he trails off, his eyes bulging slightly as he realizes who the next roaster is. A huge, lecherous grin works its way onto his features, and he leans casually against the podium, his expression giddy with excitement.

"There has been a lot of debate tonight over who the most attractive male is, but what about the most desirable woman? Kagura is probably a hellcat in the sack, and Kagome has that schoolgirl fetish thing going, but to me, there is no contest. The most beautiful, intelligent, _breathtaking_ woman here this evening is without a doubt my lovely Sango."

Said woman blushes prettily, covering her cheek with a hand and averting her eyes. She is especially pleased that the monk is discussing more than just her physical attributes. Miroku continues unaffected, clearly lost in his tantalizing description of the woman he has fallen for.

"Sango is not a typical woman, nor do I wish for her to be. It took me years to find a potential partner who was more to me than just a casual lay. And when I did, she became so _much_ more that I still lie awake at night sometimes wondering how it all happened. When did a tough, she-warrior become my ideal girl? To date, Sango is the only woman who has ever slapped me for my…minor transgressions. But I think that's part of the reason why I fell for her," he declares, pointedly ignoring the snickering from several roasters who have absurdly insinuated that sado-masochistic tendencies are at the heart of their relationship.

"Sango considered herself my equal from the very beginning, and wasn't about to put up with my shenanigans. I realize now that I was searching for someone like that the whole time, someone who could be my equal or better in every way. Sango is smarter than me, and taking gender out of the equation, _I_ think she's hotter than me as well. Perhaps that's just my male bias, but there you go. She's also a better hand-to-hand fighter than I am, and I hope she never feels the need to demonstrate that superiority, because I'm quite certain I would be out of action for a while. My spiritual abilities are the only reason I can keep up with her in terms of slaying youkai.

"In addition, Sango has proven to be very skilled at handling large, hard bones…and she's pretty good with Hiraikotsu too."

A round of chuckling erupts from the audience, and Sango shakes her head with an amused grin. Everyone had been waiting with bated breath, knowing that the houshi's sincere words would soon turn perverted. For the most part, he had exceeded expectations.

"Oh, yes, I could tell amazing sex stories all night, but then I fear Sango would not allow me to work on any _new_ tales for a while. So you'll just have to use your imaginations, sort of like I did before Sango became my wife. Walking behind her, imagining what she looked like naked...it became a daily ritual for me.

"Sango's ass has always enchanted me. I have felt up my share of women…and men, apparently," he admits, shooting an apologetic glance Inuyasha's way. The hanyou does his best to ignore it, as well as the mirth of the audience. The bouzu just _had_ to bring _that_ up again.

"But I have never encountered a finer specimen than the one belonging to my wife. It is hard muscle, but so incredibly soft and tender," Miroku observes, his eyes going slightly unfocused as his hands come up and begin making massaging motions in the air.

"Such succulent flesh," he whispers, licking his lips. "I would be perfectly content to play with it all day, and Sango has let me do just that, on occasion."

Sango's outraged gasp serves to snap Miroku back to reality. He turns to see her flaming red, more with absolute embarrassment than anger.

"Whoops. Perhaps I've said too much. But then again, this is what usually happens. Sango's flushed cheeks tell me she's embarrassed, and her lovely lips tell me 'Hentai!' and 'Hands off!' But you see, my dear Sango, I know you well. That shiver running down your spine, the hitch in your breath, the delightful sway of your hips…those all say to me, 'Touch me, hold me, ravish me.' Your body is open to me, in more ways than one. And through that body, and your eyes, and your words, I know your heart. I consider myself eternally blessed for the privilege. And now, without further ado, please welcome the lovely Sango!"

Thunderous applause and whistles sound out from the audience as the spotlight swivels over to the sofa to illuminate the aforementioned taijiya. Smiling despite Miroku's embarrassing words, Sango rises confidently to her feet as a late '80s pop classic begins filling the auditorium with a fun, synthesized beat augmented by electric guitar. Dressed in a dark gray knee-length pencil skirt that clings perfectly with every step of her cream high-heel clad feet, the slayer starts her journey toward the podium as Paula Abdul's voice rings out through the speakers, knowing Miroku's eyes are on her hips and legs every step of the way.

_**Lost in a dream,**_

_**I don't know which way to go.**_

_**If you are all that you seem,**_

_**Then baby I'm movin' way too slow.**_

As Sango and Miroku pass one another on the stage, she offers the overzealous monk a pointed look that quickly has his brows furrowing in confusion.

_**I've been a fool before,**_

_**Wouldn't like to get my love caught in the slamming door.**_

_**How about some information please?**_

_**Straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever,**_

_**(oh oh oh)**_

_**Or am I caught in a hit and run?**_

_**Straight up now tell me is it gonna be you and me together,**_

_**(oh oh oh)**_

_**Or are you just having fun?**_

The music fades as Sango takes her position at the podium, and the slayer glances over her right shoulder to where she knows the monk is silently pondering the meaning behind her chosen song. Her expression – caught on camera and clearly visible for everyone present to see – clearly says, 'Well, Houshi?'

"Sango, you wound me!" Miroku exclaims loudly, overdramatically clinging at his chest while several members of the audience as well as most of the roasters chuckle quietly to themselves at the couple's silliness. But there is a spark of something sincere in the monk's eyes that only Sango notices… He never did answer her question after accepting his proposal, when she had asked him if he would never cheat on her. The look in his eyes in that moment assures her she needn't have worried. As the producers switch camera angles back to the front of the podium, a brief moment passes between the slayer and monk that remains solely between the two of them, as Sango sends a playful wink Miroku's way, assuring him that her worries are in the past, and that her song was selected for old time's sake more than anything else.

Turning to face forward in that moment, Sango is a sight of loveliness with her hair pulled high in the ponytail she traditionally wears for battle, exposing the long contours of her neck and collarbone as her thin, cream v-neck knit top reveals a playful hint of cleavage, showing that while the slayer is not a party-girl, neither is she a prude.

"You know, sometimes I feel like he pays way too much attention to my rear end."

Laughter ripples through the crowd at the understatement of the year. Miroku remains in his seat looking pleased with himself. It goes without saying, however, that he disagrees with her.

"Honestly, it's unbelievable to me that you can still be a houshi with the way you act. And a damn good one, at that. Which kami did you bribe? It's a miracle you haven't lost your powers altogether yet. Although, considering your upbringing, perhaps your behavior is not so surprising after all…

"So, _Houshi-sama_, you were raised by Mushin, huh? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the teahouse. If I had been in charge I would have chosen the song 'Womanizer' for your introduction here this evening. I know you aren't related to the aged monk, but you're like a younger version of him! Is that what I have to look forward to in thirty years? A fat, drunk, dirty old man for a husband?"

Waggling his eyebrows, Miroku responds from his spot on the dais with, "Perhaps, but it will be fun getting there, won't it?"

Shaking her head in exasperation, Sango sends the houshi a pitying look.

"Can't you reply to anything I say without twisting your response in a perverted manner?" she asks without truly expecting an answer, nor does she give him time to formulate one. "And you wonder why I'm sometimes tempted to question the sincerity of your immeasurable devotion towards myself. You're so eloquent with your words…but do you really think that much of me? Am I truly as perfect as your description would lead others to believe? Of course not. We have our issues and fights like any other married couple. But I am honored that you choose to see the good in me, as I do in you. Of course, maybe I make that relatively easy for you. Maybe there just isn't that much to complain about. After all, the only real criticism I've received tonight from most people was about _you_. If my own husband, the man who knows me better than any other, can't criticize me for more than a few seconds, then what does that say? Beyond the fact that Miroku totally blew his chance to make fun of me, that is."

The monk shrugs, looking slightly sheepish. He had thought the other participants would take care of roasting Sango so that he wouldn't have to. There really wasn't that much bad to say about her, at least not without straying into inappropriate and hurtful territory, as one villain in particular already had this evening. Miroku would _never_ say any of those things, and caution was always the better part of valor, especially when the prospect of forced abstinence was involved.

"I suppose my taste in men _is _rather questionable," the taijiya admits then, speaking to no one in particular, "but nobody's perfect. Even so, I think it's safe to say I'm the most normal person on the show, and knowing that helps me sleep at night. After all, while I've heard a lot of jokes here tonight, not very many of them were at my expense. You know why? It's because I'm not a big loser like the rest of you. I don't have any glaring physical or mental defects that are easy to make fun of. Just hypothetically speaking, if someone were trying to write a script for some type of setting where people get made fun of, I imagine they would have a really hard time with me. Hypothetically speaking, of course. While a few of you did pick on me for my taste in men, even those jokes really became more about Miroku than myself.

"The S&M ones were a little more creative, but were still ultimately more at the houshi's expense than my own. The only one of you who really had the balls to say anything directly about me at all was Naraku, as cruel as that bastard is. How do you think that makes the rest of you look? That _Naraku _could do something the rest of you couldn't? Come on, I can take it. You think I can't fight back? Though I won't dignify that putrid monster with a response to anything _he _had to say. None of what Naraku said is worth responding to. He's a vile, despicable monster, uncaring of the lives of even his own supposedly trusted servants.

"Even the Band of Seven exercised brotherly loyalty between themselves until Naraku's influence and the greed of the Shikon shards ultimately tore them apart. But even as a human bandit, Onigumo proved the age-old adage that there is no honor among thieves. Even his own fellow bandits turned against him for his treachery, burning him and leaving him for dead. It's too bad they didn't succeed. It seems that wherever Naraku goes, hatred, mistrust and betrayal are soon to follow. I mean, look at what happened to the Band of Seven. They would've been better off never being resurrected, so that their fearsome memories could have remained untarnished. Now we all know what mental cases they really were."

Adjusting her gaze to meet the eyes of the token 'of Seven' member up on the dais, Sango's expression turns contemplative as she sizes the she-man up and down, before a shudder visibly runs through her, her nose crinkling in disgust.

"Jakotsu, of everyone present here this evening, you are by far the most disturbing. Lots of people think 'kissing ass' and 'sucking up' are ways to get ahead, but you think they're ways to get _some_ head. And _you_ called _me_ a sadist? That's like you calling someone else a flaming homo! Which one of us wanted to slice Inuyasha up like a holiday ham, then fuck him as he bled to death? There's a reason you have a sword that looks and behaves like a whip. Sometimes I do think about tying Miroku up, but that's only because I would love to not have to watch out for his wandering hands 24/7."

The audience laughs at this. Then from his barstool Miroku unexpectedly calls out, "I would use my feet!" causing the audience to laugh even harder, as Sango drops her forehead into her palm.

"Moving on," she declares, slightly exasperated though the crowd is eating up the interplay between them. "It seems fitting that the second most 'normal,' and I use that term hesitantly, person on the show is an incarnation of Naraku. I have no real beef with you, Kagura. You killed a lot of people in the beginning of the series, but most of them were wolf-youkai who would have been able to defend themselves if they weren't so incompetent. I have no love for the ookami anyway; people are so quick to forget that Kouga himself ordered the slaughter of a human village before we met him. How many were before that, ookami?" she asks, sending an accusing glare Kouga's way. The wolf glances away, looking decidedly uncomfortable. Sango lets him stew for a moment before moving on.

"Anyway, as Naraku began shifting responsibilities to other incarnations, and Kagura actually _did_ less and less as the series went on, we realized that she was just an unwilling pawn being used by her master. My husband has difficulties with this concept, but the fact that she was artificially created does not make her any less of a youkai, or a woman. Youkai can come into existence in many different ways, and that's coming from an expert on the subject. She at least deserves the opportunity to follow her own free will wherever it takes her. And if her will drives her to slay innocents and continue her violent behavior from early in the series, then she will be dealt with accordingly.

"Of course, Kagura wouldn't even have existed were it not for the bone-headed move of another of Naraku's pawns. I speak, of course, of the 'lady' Kikyou, and I use _that_ term _very_ hesitantly."

Sango takes a deep breath to gather her thoughts and reign in her temper just a little.

"What an intelligent decision, Kikyou, giving Naraku that large chunk of jewel. Way to go, genius! _You're_ the one responsible for all of the countless deaths caused by Naraku and his incarnations, not Kagome. Yes, she's the one who shattered the jewel in the first place, but we'd all been doing a pretty damn good job of collecting it until _you _came along and stole our shards. And don't think I've forgotten about how you tried to kill Kagome. I'm keeping my eye on you.

"Never mind the insane mood swing you had to have undergone to give Naraku the jewel, your plan was so confoundedly _stupid_ in its own right. Did you not take into consideration the fact that Naraku would grow stronger if he acquired more of the jewel? That it would be more difficult to drag him to Hell with the Shikon no Tama boosting his power? Just in terms of strategy, that's as dumb as the old European stratagem of invading Russia in the summer. 'We'll be in Moscow before winter,' they used to say. At least that's not quite as deluded as you saying, 'I'll take him to Hell no matter how strong he gets.' And speaking of deluded…

"Kouga, I agreed with most of what you said in regards to your comparisons between Kikyou and Kagome. The only problem with your perspective is that you _still_ think you have a chance with the more desirable miko of the two. Kouga, I just don't understand you. Why does something which is so painfully obvious to the rest of us fail to make it through your thick skull? Kagome doesn't want you! Though I suppose I can't place all the blame on you for your delusions. Just like Kagura pointed out earlier, Kagome has never flat out told you that she's not interested. In fact, some might say she's deliberately leading you on."

Meeting Kagome's eyes, Sango sends her friend a sincere look, as if apologizing in advance for the hard truths she is about to disclose.

"Kagome, do you ever get tired of being so helpless? If I had a dollar for every time you screamed out Inuyasha's name in terror…well, I'd have enough to pay for Jakotsu's trip to Gay Club Med that he's always wanted. We can joke that Inuyasha likes hearing you scream his name, but not when it's because a youkai is about to kill you!

"I realize you didn't grow up learning how to fight, but you never really took the time to have Kaede give you any lessons with the bow once your quest revealed itself either. With as much of a stickler for school and grades as you are, one would think that you would've wanted to study something that could actually _save your life_. Especially after that first 'wonderful' attempt with the bow. That attack sucked harder than Jakotsu after three shots of Tequila!

"But you know, despite not being able to channel your inner Kikyou to become an instant master with the bow and arrow – and please don't channel Kikyou for any other reason – I still believe there is zero doubt as to the fact that you really are her reincarnation. You most _certainly _inherited her bi-polar disorder. How the hell do you expect Inuyasha to come to grips with himself and confess how he feels about you when nobody can ever predict what kind of a reaction you'll have to anything he has to say? I would be afraid to have a serious conversation with you, too, if I never knew if my words would make you smile or yell a cursed command that slams my face into the ground. Still, despite the bizarre manner in which you demonstrate your feelings for Inuyasha, it's abundantly clear to all of us just how deeply you truly care for him. But the opportunities you miss with him! How many times have you two almost kissed? I cannot believe you let the last one go. So what if Souta interrupted you? You should have kicked him out, locked the door, and said 'Where were we?' Because we all knew it would take weeks for a perfect moment like that to come along again, maybe longer.

"And come on, Kagome, even _I_ get tired of the 'Sits' sometimes. I know he deserves a lot of them, and I even tried to 'Sit' him once, but slamming someone's face into the dirt for every little thing is not how you broadcast that you love them, or even that you care about them at all. If you ever want him to pull his head out of his ass, you need to _help_ him get it out, not keep on pushing it in deeper."

Sango takes a quick scan of the dais and shakes her head. "Great. Use the words 'ass' and 'deeper' in the same sentence and Jakotsu's in la-la land."

Glancing to her left towards the man of honor, Sango's gaze is neither amiable nor hostile. She genuinely considers the hanyou her friend, but enough is enough already.

"Inuyasha, let's take a moment to analyze the 'difficult' choice you have. You can either stay with Kagome, or you can join Kikyou in Hell. Okay, so on the one hand you have a beautiful girl who loves you, wants to have sex with you, leading to kids and a happily-ever-after. Or, on the other, you have an eternity of fiery torment in the company of your dead ex-girlfriend. Okay, I think I pretty much summed it up right. I just have one more thought: What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you _ever_ think about this? You have 'option one,' a _living _girl who _loves_ you, or 'option two,' your _dead_ ex who wants you to die and burn in Hell! This after she fucking _shot you!_ And you're 'not sure'? You know what, you deserved every insult you got tonight, just for that.

"And why do you always have to be such a hothead? You charge blindly into battle so much that I sometimes think the writers should have put you on a horse backwards. With that red getup, you do kind of look like an anime version of Dudley Do-Right. And hey, he never got the girl either. On top of that, you and your own brother have nearly killed each other on several occasions. Honestly, sometimes I think the two of you should be neutered. At least then you'd have an _excuse_ for not making a move on Kagome. You literally wouldn't have the balls."

Waiting for a moment for the audience's laughter to simmer down, the slayer directs her attention to the crowd in this moment.

"Am I right, folks?" she asks jokingly, earning more laughter. "Just think of it, without their testosterone-driven urges to maim one another, they would probably be frolicking in the fields together, eating chocolate and chasing butterflies. No more fighting, only hugging, and no swearing, only reciting poetry to each other and anyone else who happened by. Now, doesn't that sound better than what we have now?"

Pausing as if to actually give the matter some genuine thought, Sango chuckles to herself at Inuyasha's disturbed expression, not daring to turn and meet Sesshoumaru's gaze.

"On second thought, I think I like it better when they fight. At least it's never boring."

Glancing in Inuyasha's direction once more, Sango offers the hanyou a thoughtful smile.

"Of course, there's no denying how strong of a warrior Inuyasha is since he's survived all of those battles. And let's also not forget that he has a decent sense of honor. Even when faced with an opponent he could finish off rather easily, he will deliberately dodge their attacks without killing them if the battle is unjust and he realizes that the enemy he's facing does not truly deserve to die. I would not be here otherwise, and I will be forever grateful for Inuyasha's restraint at our first meeting. Deep down inside, our hanyou truly is a good man. He's just an idiot, though I guess there's some justification for that. He's had a really hard life, and I cannot truly blame him for being as crude or ill-tempered as he usually is, considering how nearly everyone he's ever met has treated him with disdain. And I'm certainly in no position to bad-mouth him for being tricked by Naraku, considering how we have _all _fallen victim to that vermin in one way or another. And even after everything I did during the beginning stages of our friendship, he forgave me. Inuyasha is a gentleman wrapped in a hardened shell of self-preservation, and I feel honored to call him my friend. Thank you."

The crowd loudly vocalizes their approval of Sango's routine as the taijiya steps away from the podium, returning to her seat on the dais. As she and Miroku pass one another a second time, the look passed back and forth between them is that of a mere smile. A _genuine _show of affection in the monk's gaze that, to Sango's surprise, is noticeably void of lechery.

Not that the houshi remains pure of thought for long.

"Sango was worried about me becoming fat and drunk in my old age," he begins as he steps back up to the microphone, his lecherous smirk firmly back in place. "But I won't so long as she exercises me every day," he adds with a wink sent in the slayer's direction, Sango's quiet mutter of "Hentai" audible to those in the first few rows.

Chuckling, Miroku continues.

"But all playfulness aside, hearing my wife speak was as pleasing to the ears as it was the eyes. Especially how she laid into Inuyasha and said things that he really needed to hear. I have a feeling we might be getting more of that from our next roaster. Throughout the series, Souta got a unique perspective on 'the relationship' that none of us saw. I imagine they acted a little differently in Kagome's time than they did in the Feudal era. Although, considering the fact that they haven't yet jumped each other, maybe not. Anyway, I'm excited to get a sibling's perspective on this…you know, from a sibling who actually cares."

All eyes shift to Sesshoumaru, but the daiyoukai does not take offense to the comment. He really doesn't care in the slightest about whoever his half-brother chooses to fornicate with.

"Roll tape!"

The big screen once again flares to life, revealing Souta standing in what looks like his bedroom. He is wearing a full suit, including jacket and tie, and looking quite debonair if not a little uncomfortable. All the mothers in the audience coo at how adorable the 'little man' looks.

"Greetings, everyone," he begins politely. "When Comedy Central first told me they wanted me to appear in their roast, I was pretty surprised. Let's face it; I am a pretty minor character. The anime gave me more scenes, but the truly sad part is that I just about got more action after that one cheesy 'Souta's Confession of Love' episode than the man of the evening has in the whole series. Hitomi and I are too young to think about doing anything more than smooching, but you better believe we do that. Every day, just about. It's fun, and intimate, and we both know that if we're still together when we get older it will lead to more. The kind of stuff Inuyasha and Kagome _would_ be doing if they pulled their heads out of their respective butts.

"Come on now, we _all _know that you two are in love with each other, so just admit it already!"

The audience clamors in agreement, and the two said 'lovebirds' stubbornly keep their gazes anywhere but each other. Both appear more than a little flustered and irritated with Souta.

"Back to my 'Confession' episode, I didn't realize at first how much of a hypocrite you were, Inuyasha. Telling me to 'be a man' and 'just tell her how you feel.' Ha! Try following your own advice for once! But noooooo, instead your idiocy created so many awkward moments in that episode that it's almost painful to watch. You got embarrassed when Kagome held your hand; you were speechless when I asked you whether you or Kagome had said you liked the other first. You nearly crapped your pants when I asked to 'practice' on you, which was admittedly a stupid idea, but at least I was trying! At least I wasn't standing right next to the girl I liked and telling someone _else_ how to confess his feelings. I guess the common theme here is Inuyasha not practicing what he preaches, which is such a shame because I would totally love to have him as a brother-in-law."

Inuyasha's annoyed expression loses some of its hardness at Souta's sincere claim. The kid's statement means a lot whether or not he actually wants to marry Kagome.

"And you, dear sister! You weren't any help at all! It's a miracle I didn't get beat up at school in that ridiculous getup you made me wear. See this?" he says, motioning toward himself. "This is what you get when a man dresses himself. I look damn good in this suit, even though the collar is itchy. And I'm wearing _pants_, not shorts with a bowtie and jacket. Inuyasha, if you ever do get together with my sister, please for the love of all the kami, never let her dress you. I guarantee you will regret it."

The hanyou immediately ceases his snickering at a furious glare from said miko. Of course, that only serves to remind them that they were trying _not_ to look at each other, and she quickly spins around again.

"Yeah, so that was one of the misadventures I had with Inuyasha in the modern era. Another one of my favorites is the time he and I took a bath, and he ran into Nee-chan's room because the water was too hot."

Inuyasha and Kagome both flush, the latter in particular. Oh, yes, she remembers that evening _very_ well. The mental images are burned into her subconscious, and she has no desire to get rid of them.

"I've always wondered why he chose to flee to Kagome's room. Was it because that's where he felt the safest? Or did he just want Kagome to see him naked? I think it's the latter, because I've never heard of him running away from anything, let alone hot water. Maybe he sensed that Kagome secretly wanted to see him, because we know she didn't mind nearly as much as she pretended to.

"But that's all old news. What they didn't tell you at the time was that more than just the water was heating Inuyasha up, because by the time we got kicked out of Nee-chan's room, he was sporting a boner bigger than my forearm! You should have seen him trying to cover it! He hung his robes on it and waddled back to the bathroom going 'ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…'"

Everyone laughs as Inuyasha blushes crimson once more, yet again looking like he's getting ready to destroy the video screen.

"She's fucking sexy when she's angry…" Inuyasha mumbles to himself, the comment blessedly going unnoticed by anyone without youkai hearing.

"Now, everyone look at Kagome." Souta's voice continues, drawing everyone's attention first back to the video, and then to the miko in question. "I bet she's totally daydreaming about what I just said."

Over on the couch, said miko clearly _is _lost in a daydream, until she comes back to herself upon the realization that all eyes are now on her. A wave of red washes over her face, partly in mortification and partly an indicator of her sudden desire to maim her brother.

"See what I mean?" Souta asks, preemptively knowing he's right. "She's not nearly as innocent as she seems. But I'm sure a lot of people are going to point that out, so I'll leave it at that. Besides, Kagome is pretty good at hiding whatever dirt there may be on her, so I don't have any more for you.

"The only other thing I want to comment on is Inuyasha's fixation with Buyo. Please explain to me why you love bothering that cat. I've never seen that fat feline run so fast –or at all – except for whenever you come around. Do you chase after rabbits and squirrels in the Feudal era, too? The little creature league must have an APB out on you. Warning: volatile hanyou who likes fondling furry animals. Extremely dangerous."

"I don't _fondle_ that fucking cat!" Inuyasha exclaims, "I'm helping to exercise Buyo's fat ass." But his excuse is delivered without much conviction, and no one buys it for a second. Inuyasha crosses his arms and grumbles under his breath amid scolding jeers.

"In conclusion," Souta continues, "I'd just like to say this to Inuyasha and my sister. I joke about it, but I really _do_ want the two of you to get together. Inuyasha would be the coolest brother-in-law in the history of in-laws. And I'm sure he would say the same about me, right Inuyasha?"

"Feh." said hanyou grumbles to himself, loud enough to be heard.

"He just said 'Feh,' didn't he?" Souta's recording suddenly asks, earning some chuckles. "Oh well, Inuyasha has always been a man of few words, or gibberish, as the case may be. It doesn't make him any less of a hero in my book."

The screen goes dark, and Souta receives a warm round of applause. A couple sets of shoulders slump in relief that it's over, but the reaction is mostly positive.

Miroku whistles, clearly impressed with what he has just seen. "Remind me to buy Souta a cold one when he's old enough. He deserves free booze for a year after that _enlightening_ performance." he says, grinning as the audience has one final chuckle at Inuyasha and Kagome's expense.

Waggling his eyebrows in the hanyou's direction, Miroku teases, "Why, Inuyasha, I had no idea you were so fond of playing with Kagome's pussy. I take back what I said earlier about you not being very good at catching it or that you wouldn't know what to do with it if you did. Apparently you like to fondle her pussy on a regular basis."

"Technically," Kouga chimes in from his spot on the dais, "Buyo is her mother's pussy."

Over on the Hot Seat, Inuyasha's face is as red as his shirt as he tries to slink down into his cushion, the living miko on the dais sharing his humiliation. The spotlights once again pan out into the audience where her mother is seated. Mrs. Higurashi is sporting a nice blush herself, but as the camera captures her image she squares her shoulders in determination, refusing to be bullied. She may be older, but she knew going in what a 'roast' is and what happens at one, and she is there to support her baby girl, no matter what gets said about her or anyone else.

Drawing everyone's attention back to himself, Miroku clears his throat lightly before pointing out, "Of course, we mustn't forget that Inuyasha is not the only one who came under fire in Souta's video."

Pausing, he glances Kagome's way with a knowing twinkle in his eyes, and seeing his telling expression, the miko mentally braces for impact while simultaneously psyching herself up, knowing that her time has finally come.

"Yes, Souta showed us that there might be a darker, more sensual side of Kagome. Well let me tell you folks, that is completely true. It takes a hentai to know a hentai, and trust me, Kagome is not nearly as sweet and innocent as she seems. There is no way a modern-day Japanese schoolgirl could be as naïve about sex as she tries to portray herself. This is a country that sells used lady's panties on the street in vending machines, people! Sure, we'll believe Kagome is really a virgin, but only because she's saving herself for Inuyasha. At least the girl has taste. Why settle for less when you can have next to the best? Since _I'm _already taken, Inuyasha is definitely the next best thing.

"And you know what? I think Takahashi was trying to tell us something about Kagome, too. Did anyone else notice the name of that fast food joint she and her friends would occasionally go to? It was WacDonald's. WacDonald's! Let us imagine for a moment Kagome ordering herself a sandwich. 'I'll have one Big Wac and a large vibrator…I mean shake.' If Takahashi stumbled onto that gem of a pun by accident, then I'm devoted to celibacy.

"But enough about what I think. It's time you heard from the lascivious little lady herself. Please welcome to the podium, Kagome!"

A rapid, synthesized harp rhythm streams smoothly from the loudspeakers, some of the notes straying purposely from the usual low register. It is gentle yet powerful, setting the stage for a heartfelt, emotionally charged ballad. No one would have expected anything less from Kagome. The soft ringing of wind chimes in the background precedes the rest of the ensemble, with bass, strings low and high, and drums joining in strategically at first, then settling into a solid, earthy beat. Then the silky, passionate voices of Brandy and Monica launch into the chorus.

_**You need to give it up,**_

_**Had about enough,**_

_**It's not hard to see, **_

_**The boy is mine. **_

_**I'm sorry that you,**_

_**Seem to be confused, **_

_**He belongs to me,**_

_**The boy is mine. **_

With her message abundantly clear, Kagome rises from her seat on the sofa, giving the audience their first good look at her outfit. She is wearing a forest green skirt, though this one is decidedly less revealing than that of her customary school uniform. It is of the business variety, smooth and narrowing until it reaches its end at her knees. Sheer nylons cover her lower legs, and modest black heels adorn her feet. A well-fitted, white suit jacket hints at the contours of her figure, while the low V-neck reveals her emerald blouse underneath, concealing her cleavage. It is the look of a proud, confident woman in the workplace. The colors are awkward together, but Kagome somehow makes them work, paying homage to the traditional color scheme her fans are most familiar with. She strides assuredly to the podium as the music continues.

_**I think it's time we got this straight,**_

_**Let's sit and talk face to face,**_

_**There is no way you could mistake,**_

_**Him for your man, are you insane?**_

_**You see I know that you may be,**_

_**Just a bit jealous of me,**_

_**But you're blind if you can't see,**_

_**That his love is all in me.**_

Kagome reaches the podium and gazes out over the excited crowd. Thin wisps of her hair have been curled, and she twists one lock around her finger, perhaps showing her youth. Her fidgeting hands speak of nervousness, her eyes only determination.

_**You need to give it up,**_

_**Had about enough,**_

_**It's not hard to see, **_

_**The boy is mine. **_

_**I'm sorry that you,**_

_**Seem to be confused, **_

_**He belongs to me,**_

_**The boy is mine. **_

"And as dense has he can be sometimes," Kagome jokes, "I'm sure the 'boy' knows who he is."

A muttered 'Keh' can be heard in the background, and Kagome grins.

"But before I get to Inuyasha, I'd like to say a few words about our gracious host over there," she says, motioning to Miroku as she turns halfway to face him. "Did you really accuse _me_ of being a closet pervert, Miroku? Seriously? You calling _anyone_ a hentai is the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black. Let's take a look at the first time we met. You closed your wind tunnel to spare my life. Then you groped me. Then you proposed that we all calm down and have a civilized conversation. Then you asked me to bear your child. Then you groped me. Again. You went from gentleman to hentai not once, but twice in about ten minutes! And you say _I'm_ hot and cold.

"You also said I send mixed signals. Please! You send out more signals than a cell phone tower. The groping says to Sango 'I'm a pervert, but I find you physically attractive.' The womanizing says 'I think we should just be friends.' And the occasional sincere moment says 'I love you.' So…what you're telling her is 'You're hot, and I love you, but I want to sleep with other women on the side.' And you wonder why Sango was so reluctant to sleep with you! Ever heard of something called commitment, Miroku? Comm-it-ment. If you love her, and I think you do, then stop letting your dick run the show and listen to your heart!"

Miroku's jaw hangs open from the shock of hearing Kagome's harsh words. It appears she is not as innocent as she seems, he reflects, just not in the way he had alluded to before.

"If you don't love her, then you need to find someone else. But I would recommend changing your strategy anyway. Most women don't want the father of their unborn child off chasing prettier, skinnier tail.

"And you, Sango!" Kagome exclaims, startling the taijiya. If Sango has any notions that Kagome will go easy on her, they are quickly extinguished. "How can you criticize me for missed opportunities? Miroku is your love interest, for crying out loud! Do you think he would've turned you down if you'd offered yourself to him at _any _point during the mission? Ha! Not likely! Every minute of every day is an opportunity with him.

"I believe you called me helpless too. Hmmm, let's see…I seem to recall saving everyone… Oh, yes, it was right after _you_ stole Tetsusaiga and handed it over to Naraku. We were trapped in a whirlwind of miasma with no escape, until my arrow nearly purified him. Helpless nothing. We'd all be dead if it weren't for me.

"And yes, I get into trouble a lot, but give me a break! Just like you yourself admitted, I didn't grow up learning how to fight demons. I grew up in a society with a police force that's supposed to take care of the bad guys _for_ you. But I've come a long way, and everyone knows it. The _real_ reason I get into a lot of trouble is because I'm a target. Naraku is _afraid_ of me. Somehow I don't think he has that same kind of fear for you or Miroku. How many puppets have the two of you fought while the real action is going on elsewhere? Meanwhile, I'm getting cursed by dark miko, kidnapped by all manner of youkai, and possessed by psychotic infants. Yet somehow, through all that, I manage to keep my head on my shoulders and avoid hurting myself or any of you. And lest we forget, it was I who prevented Inuyasha from being possessed by the corrupted jewel shards in the stomach of that stone oni. We'd all be demon shit by now if it weren't for me! But oh, no, I'm just a useless, ditzy teenager who can't pull her own weight. I think all of you need a reality check. Calling me helpless is like calling Miroku an honest monk.

"But I suppose you weren't the first person to question my strength. That would be Inuyasha. From the very beginning he compared me to Kikyou, which isn't fair. Again, priestess trained from birth on one hand, modern schoolgirl doing her best on the other. Who's going to be a better shot with a bow? It's not like I didn't get better, as Naraku can attest. The only person who thought less of me in the beginning than Inuyasha was Kikyou herself."

Kagome pauses, her expression gloomy as she turns to regard her preincarnation.

"I won't lie to you Kikyou; I don't like you, and I know the feeling is mutual. But despite that, I always _respected_ you, a sentiment which is definitely _not_ mutual. You share a connection with Inuyasha that I can never touch. You were his first love, and he was yours. But at some point, you need to come to terms with reality. You. Are. 're dead, Kikyou. You telling me I don't belong in the Feudal era is another perfect example of hypocrisy. The dead have no place in the land of the living, Kikyou. It's as simple as that. I really do hope you can rest in peace, preferably before you destroy Inuyasha's life…again.

"I believe you also chastised me for my manner of dress, but so did quite a few people this evening. I've been wearing short skirts since I was a little kid. I'm comfortable in them, and for the most part, I know how to avoid flashing people. I'm not trying to advertise myself, as several of you have stated. Do you people realize how stupid you sound? Are you saying that every schoolgirl in Japan is also a slut, because I don't wear my skirt any longer or shorter than they do. Maybe all of you in the Sengoku jidai need to loosen up a bit.

"And what is wrong with being attracted to Inuyasha or letting him touch me? Look at him! He's hot! I let him touch me because unlike you, I'm not repulsed by him. I like him as a hanyou. Your biggest flaw, Kikyou, is that you still can't see past his youkai blood to the kind, sweet, passionate man underneath. Okay, so maybe you have to look pretty deep to see the kind and sweet sides of Inuyasha, but I know they're there! At least we know my other adjective is true. If Inuyasha takes to lovemaking with half the passion he takes to battle…"

Kagome trails off, temporarily lost in delightful daydreams. Then she snaps back to herself, flushing hotly. But true to her words, she is not ashamed, merely embarrassed. Inuyasha currently shares that emotion, but he cannot keep a certain amount of smugness from his expression.

"Where was I? Oh, yeah. What happened to you wasn't fair, Kikyou, and I do feel sorry for you, but you can't take it out on Inuyasha. Especially when he never hurt you, especially when your untimely death was partially your own fault. If you had allowed yourself to trust Inuyasha fully, as I do, then you would have known that he would never have betrayed you. You would have seen through Naraku's ruse."

Shifting her gaze to lock eyes with the dark hanyou in question, Kagome's eyes narrow marginally before a look of understanding and pity overcomes her, her expression calm once again.

"I don't even know where to start with you, Naraku, or should I say Onigumo?"

The self-proclaimed master of evil narrows his own eyes at the sound of _that _name, but allows the miko to continue uninterrupted.

"Let's see…you teased Kikyou for being dead, bragged about all of the terrible things you've done, and then recapped the Inuyasha/Kikyou necrophilia joke, the Sesshoumaru/Rin pedophilia joke, insulted Kouga's intelligence for not comprehending my true feelings, and then recycled the hentai jokes directed towards myself. Oh, and of course the rosary/sadist jokes, can't forget about those. And then there was that pitiful attempt at being humorous regarding the Band of Seven.

"I suppose I shouldn't find it surprising that you had to steal material not only from other roasters here this evening, but other Comedy Central comedians altogether. After all, you stole power from a spider-youkai and its buddies, you stole the face and castle of a poor innocent lord, you stole the shards of the Shikon no Tama from whoever else happened to obtain them, and then in the end, all you'd really wanted to do all along was steal Kikyou's heart. I guess once a thief, always a thief, eh, Onigumo? Deep down inside you're still the same miserable, sniveling human bandit you always were. You get offended whenever people call you a hanyou, but you know what? I think I actually agree with you; you're not a hanyou. Despite what Sesshoumaru said, 'hanyou' technically means 'half demon', as in, a being born from one youkai parent and one human parent, like Inuyasha and Jinenji and Shiori, and if we wanted to be generous, then we could also include Gyu-oh and the kids from that 'mystic' island. You most certainly do _not _fall under _that_ category. You had two _human _parents, assuming you didn't murder them both in their sleep. Selling your soul and changing your name doesn't change a damn thing when it really boils down to it, and when _you _are boiled down, your human core is revealed. Demi-youkai? Are you serious? It doesn't matter how many youkai you take into yourself; your human core is still intact.

"Okay yes, granted, as you are now you are definitely more youkai than human. I can't really argue with that, but getting mathematical and pointing out how the percentage of human in you is minute compared to the number of youkai doesn't change the fact that you were originally born human. It's an ugly truth; you can run, but you can't hide. You're like Tsubaki, and if we dare to bring her up, Sara. You're a human who allowed himself to become possessed by youkai for selfish gain, thus becoming a…I guess demi-youkai will work since I don't want to insult genuine hanyou.

"I've also heard it questioned how a 'demi-youkai' such as yourself could spawn full-youkai off chutes, but I don't find that part mysterious at all. After all, a dry sponge is capable of soaking up a _lot _of water, just like you seem to be capable of absorbing an endless supply of lesser youkai, and if you squeeze a soaked sponge, does part of the sponge itself break away? No, only water comes out; pure water, like what had been absorbed in the first place. Yet no matter how much water the sponge soaks up, deep down inside it's still a sponge; it can never become pure water itself. Break away part of the sponge, and the whole thing weakens, just as _you _ultimately weakened when you tried to discard your human heart. Deny it all you want, but if it isn't true, then why did you eventually end up reabsorbing your human heart after _both _times you discarded it? I could psychoanalyze you for days, but I don't want to risk you thinking I find you that important. I wonder, though, if in the end it was really you who we were fighting, or if you yourself had become nothing more than a victim to the jewel and its own evil scheming. I feel sorry foryou, Naraku. It seems like through it all, you yourself were just a pawn, and the jewel was the true enemy all along."

Getting the reaction she knew she would, Kagome smiles to herself as Naraku nearly loses his composure, rising from his barstool before a well-timed growl from Kirara has him slumping back down in his seat.

"One thing I do find curious, though, is your eclectic collection of detachments. Even though you made a good point in that you never forced yourself upon any random women when you most certainly could have, at least in theory, one does have to wonder what you were thinking when you made Kagura as attractive as she is. How do we _really _know that nothing is going on behind closed doors? But would it be considered masturbation, or incest? I'm not sure I want to know. But Miroku was wrong on one count. Kagura wasn't your first incarnation, was she? Nope, even though she was introduced to us first, you actually made Kanna before her. So then that begs the question, why was your first incarnation an emotionless, ten-year-old girl? I'm sure some people here could have a field day with _that _one. Kanna would be the perfect, silent victim, wouldn't she? And you call her a _void _youkai, no double-meaning there. Then again, maybe nothing really is going on. After all, you transformed _yourself _into at least two different women before creating your first, female servants. What's up with _that? _Am I picking up on something here, or is it just me? And your first male detachments were all crude, oni-like creatures, and then little children even younger than Kanna! You didn't make a marginally _attractive _male incarnation until Byakuya. Musou doesn't count since he had to steal himself a face. Seriously, Naraku, what is your fascination with ugly oni and little children?

"Though I won't personally go as far as to suggest that you are actually a pedophile, or perhaps into some twisted form of bestiality involving creatures of the underworld, I'll let the fans debate that one for themselves. Your comment about tentacles probably didn't help your case, though. Even so, maybe there is a legitimate reason other than a lingering sense of morality for why you've left the innocent women of Japan alone, aside from the ones you've had slaughtered in some fashion or another, of course. Sexual perversion is just one of many varieties, Naraku, so you most definitely still fall under the 'pervert' category, even if you have no sex drive. Hell…maybe that was half the problem right there. Maybe you wouldn't have been so vindictive if you'd gotten laid once in a while."

As Naraku fumes while the audience laughs, Kagome's closest friends on the dais all stare her way with a mixture of amusement and agreement in their eyes.

"I mean let's face it," the miko continues then, "you've created more incarnations than most Trekkies build model starships! Was making detachments of yourself your pastime hobby as a virgin? Just how many _were _there? First there was Kanna, Kagura, and Goshinki, then Juuromaru and Kageroumaru. Of course we mustn't forget about no-face Musou, nice look into your human heart that he was. Even followed in his father's footsteps of stealing a face and changing his name. And come to think of it, I stand corrected, you _do _possess sexual desire, even if it's only isolated to the shriveled up remains of what was once your human heart. Otherwise, how do you explain how drawn to me Musou was? True, it wasn't really _me_ that he wanted, but that's beside the point.

"Let's see, where was I? There was that obscure hairball-youkai thing…ick, and of course we can't forget about the second appearance of your human heart in the deceptively innocent form of Akago, who for some reason possessed the starfish-like ability of reproducing himself via amputation, thus giving us his older twin brother Hakudoshi. You really outdid yourself and nearly did yourself in when he created that Mouryoumaru character, and then last and _certainly _least, you gave us Byakuya. You'd tried the little girl, and then an adult woman, and then a little boy, so it was finally time to try an adult man, huh? The others just weren't doing it for you? Why _did_ you wait so long to give us an attractive, maleincarnation, anyway? Afraid of a little competition? I can't say I blame you, as unappealing as you are. Byakuya is an effeminate pansy that likes to play with origami cranes, yet he's _still_ a hundred times more desirable than you are. Were you afraid that he'd outshine you? That he'd grow a set and want to take the spotlight away from you? It's certainly true that he was starting to realize just why Kagura had betrayed you, though in the end it was too little too late.

"Just like Miroku pointed out earlier, all of your incarnations ended up betraying you in one fashion or another, except for the ones we killed off before they were given the chance. Even Kanna, your most loyal servant and the only one you really trusted turned her back on you in the end, and do you really think Goshinki would've let you live once he caught wind of your thoughts, of how you were the master and he was merely a servant you created to do your dirty work for you? It wasn't too bright creating a mind reader, when you think about it. You're lucky Inuyasha took him out for you."

Taking a moment to gaze out over the audience, Kagome smiles at all of the entertained faces gazing back up at her. True, her routine may not be the funniest, but she is saying what needs to be said. Keeping that thought in mind, she sends a grin Inuyasha's way before getting back to her notes, knowing just the thing to piss Naraku off even more.

"And while we're on the subject, I would like to take this moment to thank you, Naraku, for the butterfly effect that you yourself set in motion with his creation. Were it not for Goshinki, we never would have discovered Inuyasha's ability to transform without Tetsusaiga's presence sealing his youkai blood. True, his transformations were dangerous and scary at first, and they caused brief bouts of angst for the storyline, but it was solely from his father's fang breaking and subsequently having to be repaired with his _own _fang that led to Inuyasha's mastery of the Tetsusaiga.

"You were the one who revived Ryuukotsusei, too, right? Gosh, you're just so helpful! You see, were it not for having to reacquaint himself with his sword in the challenge against Ryuukotsusei, then Inuyasha never would've unlocked the secret of the Backlash Wave, which in turn led to the discovery and development of several other powers and techniques he has since acquired, all in an attempt at getting stronger to defeat _you_. Now, with Tetsusaiga containing his own fang, Inuyasha and his sword are one, and thanks to the power of his awakened youkai blood, it eventually led to his ability to master control over his own inner beast, with Tetsusaiga's assistance, increasing his power in battle while _not _losing his mind. A technique he learned while battling Kanna's mirror monster, if I'm not mistaken. So thank you, Naraku, for all of your assistance. Inuyasha would never have become as strong as he is today were it not for you."

Kagome's smile brightens as Naraku's muttered cursing reaches her ears. Inuyasha is wearing a thoughtful expression, having never taken the time to follow the path of circumstances like she had. And she wasn't done yet.

"He's strong enough now that he has the 'begrudging' respect of his elder brother, and a positive reputation as an invaluable protector in a village full of humans who openly accept him. Kikyou knows the truth thanks to your narcissistic boasting and no longer hates him for a crime he hadn't committed, and it looks like he might even get the girl, namely me, in the end. And you know what? I never would've even traveled to the past were it not for you.

"I was dragged down the well because of the jewel in my body, which I only had because of how Kikyou had the jewel burned with _her_ body after you killed her the first time, so ultimately, I owe you thanks on my own behalf, too. I never would've met Inuyasha if it weren't for you. While it's true that you are responsible for countless deaths, you're also responsible for our 'happily ever after'. I like to think that nature has a way of balancing itself out. It's called Inyodo, the way of yin and yang. Even _you _lost your hatred in the end, or at least you did in the anime. Though I guess it's been decided that the events of the anime don't count here this evening? Well in that case, it sucks to be you. The jewel really _didn't _grant your true wish in the end, since your wish had been for Kikyou's love."

Suddenly sporting an expression of realization as though she's just mentally slapped herself on the forehead, Kagome blurts, "I just figured it out!"

The audience and her fellow roasters murmur in curiosity while the miko takes a moment to gather herself, gazing Naraku's way with a renewed, pitying smile.

"I just figured out the real reason why you never raped any of your incarnations or anyone else. It isn't because you're not a pervert. Kami, we all know _that's _not true. Anyone who can come up with as many twisted, manipulative, diabolical schemes as you did is the very poster-child of perversion. You raped countless people, men and women alike, but you did it with your _mind_. And now I know why that was the only organ you ever used. Musou's desire for me spells it out right there, really, and Takahashi even revealed this to be true at the end. After everything you tried, after everything you did, your human heart still never got over its longing for Kikyou.

"I already knew that, I just hadn't put two and two together before now. But it makes sense, if you think about it. I mean, how could we expect you to get it up, playing the sick and twisted monster to countless rape victims, when deep down inside you still had a man's heart crying out for the one he loved? Deep down, she was you really wanted, so nobody else could do it for you, plain and simple. And since you couldn't have her, you killed her, and in doing so you unwittingly condemned yourself to an eternity of loneliness. How does _that _feel, Onigumo? Yeah, you may have destroyed Kikyou and Inuyasha's happiness, but you destroyed your _own _happiness right along with it. Not that I should really find that surprising. If there is one thing you are unquestionably an expert at, it's destroying happiness. Even those born from your flesh felt miserable and oppressed under your rule, when in theory all of your detachments should've reacted more like mindless servants, if you'd created them right. That's the trouble with playing God _too _well; your creations have free will."

Shifting her gaze over to said creation sitting on the barstool to her creator's left, Kagome's eyes soften noticeably as she and Kagura lock gazes.

"Kagura, there's a lot I could say about you, especially since you had no trouble bad-mouthing me earlier, but you know, I think being a slave to an evil bastard like Naraku is punishment enough already. So I'm going to show you the mercy you very rarely received and leave you alone. It's not like your jokes about me were all that creative, anyway, and you did have some nice things to say about me, too, so…thanks."

Glancing back Naraku's way, Kagome continues with, "Of course, it wasn't only Naraku's incarnations that suffered under his tyranny, as we all know." Switching to addressing Naraku personally once more she adds, "You were famous for manipulating and sometimes downright bribing others into working for you, though for any of them to agree was ultimately a death sentence. Since some of your servants were already dead to begin with, I can see how guys like the Band of Seven agreed to work for you so easily. What did they have to lose, really? All they needed to know was that someone had gifted them with a second chance to slaughter and maim. It was fun while it lasted, eh Jakotsu? Though I think we all know that killing wasn't the only thing you enjoyed during your res'erection'… Naraku might've destroyed whatever sex drive he'd once had, but that is a problem you two most certainly do _not _share."

Addressing the 'of Seven' representative of the evening, Kagome wears a thoughtful expression for a moment before shaking her head in amusement.

"Jakotsu, you more than implied that I was a slut, but out of all of the characters on the show, it's actually _you_ who's taken the most cock. Kouga was half-right when he said Miroku was wrong about the series not having a whore. Although I'm sure Miroku was referring to _female _whores, you're definitely the next best thing. You've slept with so many guys you have to clean yourself out with lemon juice just to stay puckered. Now, I'm not blind. I can admit that Japanese school uniforms don't leave much to the imagination, but that's all I ever left anybody with, their _imagination_. You left people with nightmares. 'Beware the clown-faced incubus who will chop you to shreds and then have sex with the leftovers.' What are the tear marks painted on your face for, anyway? In honor of how many erections you've killed? I find it extremely difficult to believe that anybody could actually find you attractive, and yet you have a more successful track record than Miroku and Mushin combined. I guess miracles really do exist. Too bad it doesn't earn the same kind of bragging rights when you're the _woman_. You've been on your back more times than I've pinned Inuyasha on his stomach. Although, I've heard people argue that you're actually a top instead of a bottom, which I suppose could be true, if you like to ride it. But you're not going to be riding _my _man any time soon, so you need to back the hell off!"

Kagome takes a moment to compose herself and reign in her jealousy, allowing rationality to serve as a calming influence.

"Though I suppose you really aren't much of a threat. I know for a fact that Inuyasha doesn't swing that way. He's _all_ man, and he's into _all_ woman, and he has good taste, too. I've had the most popular guy at my school chasing after me for months, even though I blow him off on most of our dates and don't put out at all. So no, I'm not worried about some depraved, filthy man-whore one bit. You are one of the most disgusting people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, Jakotsu. One of your comrades, however, might be even worse.

"Mukotsu," she spits, as if the name tastes unbearably foul. "Of all the characters on the show, you're right up there with Naraku in terms of being downright despicable. You have to poison a girl to get her to be in the same room with you. You have to put her on her deathbed to get her to lie with you. Do you realize how pathetic that is? That you have to hurt someone to get them to be near you? It's not your fault you were born the way you were, but that's not an excuse for how you live your life. Look at Jaken. He's ugly as sin, but he lives a meaningful life by serving a master. You need to go find yourself a lord you can worship and mindlessly follow around too. Perhaps then your character would not be even more grotesque than your body.

"What was it you said to me back then? 'Let's make a good memory before you die, girl.' Ha! A good memory? Even if I was willing, I seriously doubt you are capable of giving a girl a 'good' memory. If your cock is as deformed as your face, I fail to see how you could use it for anything other than urinating. I'm glad you lost your temper and decided to strangle me, because having my first time be with you…well, that would have been worse than death."

Her breathing is harsh, her pulse racing as she relives painful memories and terrifying nightmares. Nightmares where Sesshoumaru had not arrived to rescue her, and Mukotsu had not lost his temper, nor his lust… But the show of support from the audience buries those images and returns the smile to her face, the brightness to her eyes. And as quickly as it had come, the melancholy is gone.

"The whole Band of Seven is bloodthirsty and vile, but you two are the standouts. Of all the people I have faced repeatedly in battle, I would rather fight Sesshoumaru any day. At least he has honor. But unfortunately, honor can only take a man so far."

Shifting gears, Kagome turns her attention to Inuyasha's older half-brother.

"Sesshoumaru, you have no idea how relieved it made me when you said you have no interest in me. Because let me tell you something buddy, the _last_ person I want to be with is you. Unlike a lot of people, I actually find you only marginally attractive. That moon on your forehead is tacky, and your eyes, despite their golden color, are so cold and lifeless that I shiver whenever I look into them. Not from fear, but because they literally drop my body temperature. Nobody could look into your eyes and get 'hot'. Well, I guess except for Kagura, but that's just one of her many issues I've decided to let go without insult tonight. To each his own, right Kagura? But seriously, Sesshoumaru, if I didn't know better, I'd have no idea you were Inuyasha's brother. You don't look like him at all; only the iris and hair colors are similar.

"And that personality…ugh! What woman in her right mind wants to feel like it's her _privilege_ to be with a man? Like letting him hump her for two minutes twice a week is a great honor? You're the kind of guy women spend a week with and then dump. You wanna know why? Because you're so high on yourself that we're like dirt between your toes. And because you don't care enough about us to give us any more than a hint of sexual pleasure, let alone an orgasm. At least if I slept with Inuyasha, I know he'd _try_ to make it good for me!"

A short silence ensues, during which Kagome seems to be mentally debating with herself. Finally, she nods resolutely and licks her dry lips.

"And I know he'd totally rock my world, too." she adds demurely, glancing shyly over her shoulder at the hanyou, who promptly blushes from toes to ears. But the fang poking roguishly over his lower lip says that he agrees with her. Pleased with herself, Kagome turns back to the audience.

"And another thing, Sesshoumaru. Just what the hell do you think you're doing with that little girl? I'm not accusing you of any crimes here, but there are two very different directions this relationship could go. So give it to us straight, are you her dad or her future husband? Because every _'Inuyasha'_ fan under the sun has grappled with this question. And, putting that thought aside for the moment, just how, exactly, do you expect to raise her to adulthood properly? Do you know _anything _about raising a human child? She's not a pet. This isn't Bizarre-o World where the dogs have humans running obediently at their heels. Trust me, she will grow up whether you like it or not, and probably sooner than you anticipate. How the hell are you gonna tell her where _babies _come from, when that issue pops up? Or are you going to dump that responsibility on me? Or worse yet, on Jaken? I can see it now. He would probably tell her how toads do it. 'Well you see, Rin, when the time comes to reproduce, you will lay your eggs in a pond, and your chosen male will fertilize them…'"

The audience roars with laughter at Kagome's skilled imitation of Jaken's thin, whiny voice. Sesshoumaru remains as passive as ever, but those who know him well can see tiny hints of anger showing through his façade. The daiyoukai is decidedly not amused, but Kagome is not impressed, nor is she finished.

"Kami forbid you try to handle that one yourself. I could see you saying something like 'A giant hole' and then when Rin asks you to elaborate, you say 'No more questions.' Maybe you'd have it in you to say something cute like they come from a 'baby tree.' Although then Rin would probably start searching every forest she came across for the elusive tree. You're just lucky she wasn't around for all that Akago business, or you would've had to explain how a creature like _Naraku_ had managed to have a baby. I think we've established that for a man of his issues, congealment is the only way.

"But for as much crap as we've all given you with regard to Rin, it's clear the girl is happy in your company. I know what kind of life she had before, and traveling with you is definitely an improvement. So Kouga's right, you definitely owe Inuyasha one for injuring you with the Wind Scar, because you never would've met Rin otherwise, and I think her addition to your life was beneficial to the both of you. Of course, Kouga had his own hand in the deal, let's not forget. It was truly a blessing in disguise that his wolves killed Rin, because otherwise you never would've found her lifeless body and been driven to revive her with Tenseiga.

"Trying to catch flies, Kouga?" Kagome asks suddenly, snickering at the ookami's shocked expression. He had been unaware of the fact that his wolves had once killed Rin.

"Calm down, Kouga, I'm not angry with you for your past behaviors. Although, looking at you now reminds me of something I've wanted to say to you all evening. You remember that we were asked to dress up for this occasion, don't you? Surely you don't think _jeans_ and a _t-shirt_ qualifies? Show some respect, you hillbilly! True, this isn't a red carpet event, but it's damn close. Though I guess we _all_ know how you feel about _red carpet_…"

Inuyasha guffaws, but for a moment he is the only one who gets the joke. Then understanding seems to flow through the auditorium in a wave, with mirth quickly following. Kouga is understandably stunned into silence.

"I actually don't have all that much to say to you, Kouga. Earlier, you criticized Kagura for becoming a 'good guy,' but you did the same thing! Have you forgotten how you used to let your wolves loose on helpless human villages? You can't convince me that the attack that killed Rin had been the only one. And then after kidnapping me because of my ability to see jewel shards, you tried to feed Shippou to your pack! And then you up and arbitrarily decided that I was your woman, without asking or caring how I felt about it. As if it was my privilege to be '_your_ woman.' You and Sesshoumaru are more alike than you realize, in that regard.

"What I'm about to say to you is something I should have said ages ago, and even though everyone else has already said it for me this evening, I know I need to say it for myself. I'm not interested. It's that simple. My heart belongs to Inuyasha, and nothing you say or do can change that. I apologize for not making that clear sooner, and allowing you to get all hung up on me. You need to forget about me and move on, Kouga. I made a joke about Ayame, but really, she's the one you should be with. At least give her a shot, because she obviously cares about you. The anime writers were kind enough to give you a fallback option. Don't waste it. Otherwise, I fear you will fade into obscurity as you did in the manga, alone and unloved.

"So please, stop chasing after me, stop coming around and declaring that I'm yours, and stop belittling Inuyasha every chance you get. Most of what you say about him is pure hogwash. I haven't become intimately acquainted with it, but I have seen Inuyasha's…well, let's just say he's not overcompensating by having a huge sword. If anything, Tetsusaiga is _under-_compensation.

"And wipe that big, shit-eating grin off your face, Inuyasha! It's pretty sad when the size of your dick is your best quality," she says to the hanyou, who quickly loses said grin. The atmosphere takes on a serious edge once again, and Kagome takes a deep breath, preparing to get a few things off her chest.

"And for awhile there, it was hard for me to see your good qualities. You hid them so well, behind swears, insults, and selfishness. It was fortunate that I didn't like you in the beginning, because you were such a jackass back then. But the closer I got to you, the more it hurt when you called me weak or useless, or just a 'shard detector.' You really cut down on that as time went on, and I'm grateful, but you never stopped visiting Kikyou. I understand why you needed to go see her, but I wish you had been straight with me about it. You didn't have to sneak off in the middle of the night. Perhaps I shouldn't have assumed so much about what went on at your meetings, but you never talked about it. What was I supposed to think? Maybe if you had been more open about it I wouldn't have suffered so much heartache.

"But I know that's not your way, and I accept you for it. I accept you for who you are, Inuyasha. You were a petulant jerk in the beginning, but slowly you changed. I got to know you better, we became friends, and I realized what kind of a man you really are. And…I fell in love with you. I think…that's why I always forgave you, and why I refused to leave your side. Because…I do love you. I will stand by you, no matter what. And if one day you decide that you do want me as not just a friend, but as a woman, as your lover, as the mate of your soul, then know that I will be waiting for you. Thank you."

The crowd claps politely as Kagome steps down from the podium, but there are no whoops or catcalls to ruin the moment. As Kagome walks back to her seat, she tries to resist looking over to him, but her curiosity soon gets the better of her. A brief glance, a hitch in her step, and time freezes just briefly for the two of them. Inuyasha's eyes are wide, unreadable to anyone except her. She sees in them everything he wants her to, as well as a few things he doesn't. Then the moment is over, and Kagome reclaims her seat next to Sango. She stares at her hands, oblivious to the world around her. She simultaneously feels like a fool and that she has done the right thing. A mixture of relief, regret, and embarrassment clouds her expression.

Back at the podium, Miroku has regained his position as Roast Master, though he politely waits a moment longer for the lingering applause to die down on its own before redirecting everyone's attention to himself.

"Well then…" he finally states after a moment, sending a quick, genuine smile Kagome's way, which the miko returns in kind.

"That brings us to the man of honor. Revenge, unlike ramen, is a dish best served cold. So since our friend has been steadily simmering for the entire roast, perhaps that will work in our favor. Now, he's been trying to keep his cool, but I've been watching him for the past couple hours, and it would take me at least that long just to describe all of the different faces he's made. I am quite sure he has _a lot _to say, so without further ado…"

Before Miroku can even finish, the crowd goes crazy, screaming and hooting. In the Hot Seat, Inuyasha smirks, his ears proud and erect as he greedily takes in the sounds of his adoring fans despite the thundering volume.

"Okay, I think we all know who you really came here to see tonight," Miroku adds, talking louder into the microphone to be heard over the ruckus. "Inuyasha, get your ass up here!"

Suddenly pumping in over the sound system, a funky synthesized melody thrusts the crowd's excitement into a whole new level, as everyone in attendance immediately recognizes the tune. In the Hot Seat, Inuyasha smoothly turns his head to wink at the camera, his gesture portrayed over the monitor screen causing the fangirls to scream out their desires to bed him. Spoken lyrics pool in through the speakers while the majority of the audience pants like dogs in time with the beat.

_**Yeah, this is a story of a famous dog,**_

_**For the dog that chases its tail will be dizzy.**_

_**These are clapping dogs, rhythmic dogs,**_

_**Harmonic dogs, house dogs, street dogs…**_

_**Dogs of the world unite.**_

_**Dancin' dogs…**_

Smoothly, Inuyasha rises from his chair.

_**Yeah…**_

_**Countin' dogs, funky dogs,**_

_**Nasty dogs (Dog)**_

Everyone in the audience sings along, hands waving in the air as people dance in their seats.

_**Atomic dog**_

_**Atomic dog**_

Inuyasha gradually makes his way over to the podium, turning and facing the audience as he pumps a fist in the air.

_**Like the boys**_

_**When they're out there walkin' the streets**_

_**May compete,**_

_**Nothin' but the dog in ya.**_

"Come on!" Inuyasha shouts over the music; the audience sings along as he waves his fists in the air.

_**Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay**_

_**Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay**_

_**Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay**_

_**Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay**_

He continues on to the podium, dancing every step of the way.

_**Like the boys**_

_**When they're out there walkin' the streets**_

_**May compete,**_

_**Nothin' but the dog in ya.**_

_**Why must I feel like that?**_

_**Ohhhhh why must I chase the cat?**_

"Just the dog in me!" Inuyasha shout-sings into the mike as the music fades away, the audience whistling and roaring, hands coming together like thunder.

Patiently, the hanyou waits with the champion of all smirks upon his face for the audience to cool down.

"Thank you!" he shouts out once he's sure he can be heard over the noise. The crowd renews their vigorous applause for a moment but is quick to settle down once more, everyone eager to hear what their favorite character has to say in his own defense.

"At least _some _people know how to show proper respect around here," Inuyasha continues, waving a final show of thanks to his adoring fans before turning to glance toward the dais.

"Now, I ain't no Triumph, but let's see if I can give this insult-comic-dog thing a try."

Cracking his knuckles, he makes a show of sizing up each of the roasters present.

"You people make me sick…no, literally. Would it have killed you to _bathe _before coming here tonight? I've got a sensitive nose, you know. Although, I think even on my human night I'd have been able to smell the staggering amount of bullshit that's been spewed here this evening."

Glancing back to the audience, he gestures with a wave of his hand, "You guys in the front row are lucky you didn't need rain jackets."

A few people snicker while Inuyasha narrows his eyes, clearly going over a mental list of everything that has been said about him this evening. After a moment of sweet agony for everyone waiting with baited breath to hear what he has to say, he turns his head and locks eyes with Miroku.

"Damn, Houshi…" he mutters while shaking head. "I always knew you were full of hot air, but I didn't expect the temperature on stage to raise five degrees every time you opened your mouth. You sure know how to get Sango fired up, just too bad for you it ain't in a good way. She's such a little tease, isn't she? She sure can rip that yukata off in a hurry, too, just too bad for you it's only in battle and when she's got that black leather painted on underneath. I agree that that outfit of hers puts the 'form' in uniform, but man, ever hear of a little thing called tact? And what was with all the sex jokes about everyone else? I guess that ol' saying really is true, after all, 'He who speaks doesn't know'… You really are a one-note, and that note is Sango shouting 'Hentai!'

"I didn't think it was physically possible, but your routine both sucked and blew at the same time. I'm just glad your wind tunnel's gone, or the opposing forces would've probably killed us all! Though I'm sure you probably miss that little glory hole of yours. Sure took palming yourself to a whole other level. Until Sango finally came around, that was the only hole you ever ejaculated into. At least now we know you've gotten to do it at least twice. So since you're the one so big on sex jokes, tell us…how does it feel to finally lose your virginity?"

The audience laughs a bit at this, while a few people up on the dais chuckle as well. Miroku attempts to take it in stride as he also laughs, though Sango doesn't appreciate her man going along with a joke that includes her own virtue as collateral damage. Narrowing her eyes, she glances quickly in Inuyasha's direction before huffing to herself and looking away, though her little moment of fluster is not lost on the hanyou and he immediately latches onto it.

"What are you narrowing your eyes at, bitch?" he calls her out, smirking. "What, you can dish it out but you can't take it? I think you got just what you deserve, getting settled with the lecher. And you said you didn't have any glaring mental defects. Ha! You love _Miroku_…if _that _doesn't qualify as a 'mental defect' then I don't know _what _does!"

Pausing for a moment as though truly giving the matter some thought, Inuyasha places a clawed finger on his chin before continuing.

"Although, I do have to admit, you're pretty damn strong, for a human." Lowering his hand he adds, "It's just unfortunate that being opinionated is your greatest strength. We've all screwed up in the past, so do me a favor and save the ball-busting for your husband. I already have one bitch in my life, I don't need two, as has been _clearly _established…

"And you know you like it when I call you that, Kagome, so don't even try it," he adds, and the younger of the two miko on the couch snaps her mouth closed.

"I might be far from perfect, but let's take a moment to think about where the rest of you guys would be if you hadn't met me…"

Gazing steadily at each of the roasters present, the inu-hanyou relishes in how they unconsciously squirm under his scrutiny.

"Let's start with the wench, first. If you hadn't met me, Hojo would probably be laying you down in bed this very moment, getting ready to put his little carrot stick in you. Five…four…three…two…one…Oh! Hojo's done! And now he's snoring, and you cry yourself to sleep after putting another tally on your 'I've had sex this many times without an orgasm' list. The current total is 127. That's a lot of dissatisfaction, don't you think? The baby wakes up crying at 12:30 in the morning, and Hojo is frisky again when you come back to bed. Two minutes later, he's asleep again, and the tally is 128.

"Miroku, you would be dead. Your bones would be in the shit of some demon who transformed into a beautiful woman, seduced you, and then devoured you. Ah, well, I guess there's some honor in dying a virgin, since if it weren't for me, you would've never met the one and only woman to ever tolerate your ass, not to mention your fixation with hers.

"In turn, Sango, you would've never met the letch… Not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing, but you know you love him, so you're welcome.

"Sesshoumaru, you would've never lost your arm, and you'd probably have Tetsusaiga… Actually, you would probably be better off without me. Too fucking bad!

"Naraku, do you have any idea how _bored_ you'd be without me? Who would you plot against? Where would you find a back-story as fucked up as mine to play with? Face it; you _need_ me to validate your own existence.

"Kikyou…" Pausing to take a deep, calming breath, his eyes soften just a little bit, as his voice grows a tad softer.

"I would like to say that if it weren't for me, your life wouldn't have gotten cut short, but we all know that probably isn't true. I hadn't even known anything about Onigumo, and his desire for you and the jewel didn't really have anything to do with me. If I hadn't been around, then I'm sure he would've come up with some other ideas for how to taint the jewel. He would've become Naraku either way. So your death wasn't really my doing, Kikyou, and while I'm sorry for what you went through, I can't allow myself to feel guilty about it any longer. You need to get it through that artificial skull of yours that my place is with _Kagome_. She's not your copy, she's not your replacement, and she's most certainly not _you_. Reincarnation or no, you two are entirely different women, and while I know it sucks, Kikyou, your fate was to die that day. Kagome's fate was to get dragged down the well. She and I were born for each other, and I will not now, nor will I ever join you in Hell. I would also like to take this opportunity to officially state for the record that just because I told your sister in passing that, at that time, I would've joined you in Hell if that was your wish, that does not constitute me ever having made a binding _vow _to that effect. You need to quit twisting my words. It's just like Kouga declaring that wolves mate for life and suddenly people think that Kagome should have a bite mark on her neck."

Over on the dais, Kagome's eyes are sparkling with unshed tears, a huge grin on her face, while two seats over Kikyou has her arms crossed, refusing to meet anyone's gaze.

"And speaking of mangy, obtuse egomaniacs…" Inuyasha continues, addressing the audience.

"Kouga is here with us this evening. If it weren't for him meeting me and my pack, he would still be running around searching for the elusive wolf-youkai female, as there certainly aren't any in his sausage-fest of a tribe."

Turning to meet the ookami's gaze head on, Inuyasha adds, "Don't know why you insist on denying Ayame. Ain't nothing wrong with being anime-exclusive, especially when there ain't no wolf females in the manga. But if you wanna keep looking, be my guest. You better find one soon, or you'll have to start knocking up dudes so your tribe doesn't go extinct! Maybe you could get Jakotsu to volunteer."

Over on the dais, the wolf and mercenary are sporting equal expressions of horror. Inuyasha chuckles to himself in amusement.

"I think it's also fairly safe to say that if you'd never met me, then you wouldn't be suffering from such an extreme case of sword envy. You're right, wolf, I _do _have a big sword, and I know how to pull it out and use it! You carry a sword too; we always see it hanging limply by your leg, but I've never heard _any_ mention of you actually pulling it out, let alone knowing how to use it properly. You think you can impress Kagome with your empty declarations of unrequited love? Women like guys who know how to use their swords."

He sends a wink Kagome's way and she flushes hotly, while the audience snickers.

"I suppose I should be in the middle of a jealous rampage telling you to stay the fuck away from _my _woman, but everyone else has already done that job for me, including the wench herself. Let's face it, Kouga, I win, you lose. You should learn how to shut your yap so you can finally quit embarrassing yourself. The only part of hearing you babble here tonight that wasn't a total endorsement for earplugs was your bit about Sesshoumaru. I gotta admit, that was some fuckin' funny shit right there.

"Right, Fluffy?" he asks, turning to lock amused eyes with his brother's murderous gaze.

"What's the matter? Don't like the Fandom nickname? Don't know who first came up with it, but I think it's cute. In fact, I'm gonna make sure to say it when Rin's within earshot. She'll probably make up some song about your fruity boa, and since you can't yell at her you'll just have to take it out on Jaken. Win/win for me, since I've never much cared for that toad anyway. What, exactly, does he do for you? Besides function as your own personal narcissism-amplifier. But honestly, was that the best you could do for a groveling servant? Some water-brained kappa? _Myouga_ makes a better retainer! Sure, he's cowardly, but at least he can be useful on occasion, and he can tell me things about Father. Something _you'd _never do. What a toss-up. After Mom's death, I was left with precisely two people in this world to look after me; one of them was a bloodthirsty youkai, and the other was a flea. It's a miracle I survived."

Not wanting to bring down the mood, Inuyasha waves his hand in a way meant to indicate it's all water under the bridge. Then with a growing smirk on his lips and twinkle in his eyes, he turns back to address his brother once more.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru, when you're in your true youkai form, do you ever do that thing dogs do? You know, suck yourself off? Is that why you haven't gotten laid in like _forever?_ Did you accidentally burn your dick off by drooling poison on it?"

Over on the dais, Miroku can't help but laugh at that mental picture, glad that Kouga is sitting between himself and the seething daiyoukai.

"What are you laughing at, monk?" Inuyasha calls out in that moment.

"You haven't scored in so long your penis went to the police and reported an identity theft. I can make pussy jokes, too, ya know. It ain't hard. Can I get a 'That's what she said'? Here goes…you've got plenty of experience riding Sango's pussy, so Kirara doesn't have to worry about you losing your balance any more. That's right, that nekomata is the only pussy you've ridden in _years, _but enough about your sexual limitations; I'm ripping on Fluffy right now."

As the audience laughs, Sango blushes while most of the dais chuckles, Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowing even further at the continued use of the dreadful nickname.

"Thought I'd get sidetracked, didn't you Fluffy? Nope, I'm still on you, and you better enjoy it, since this is the only kinda way _anybody's _gonna be 'on' you. Totosai is more virile than you are, and he hasn't had a hard-on since he fucked your mom about nine months before you were born. That's right, Fluffy, _you're_ the bastard in this family!

"Let me ask you something, big brother, since we all seem to be perverts here this evening. Exactly just how old are you, and, honestly, how long has it been since you've had sex? I mean, good God! You must be ready to blow! No wonder Social Services are keeping their eye on Rin. They don't buy your lame-ass excuses for one minute, and neither do I. Why the fuck else would you let her hang around with you? Because you were _lonely? _Do you honestly think that protecting a human girl makes you a deep, emotional character? It doesn't! It just makes you a pedophile waiting to happen. Oh, sure, you say you've got more honor than to do anything with a 'child', but that's a gray area larger than Naraku's miasma cloud. After all, kids were considered adults _waaaaay _earlier back in the Sengoku jidai. Back home, she could be an adult and your wife, and in _this _century, your ass would be thrown in jail faster than you could threaten Jaken's life.

"Then again, I can't really say I blame you, given your other choices. Just so long as you wait until Rin is _really _an adult, then I'll give you my blessing. I mean, what are your other options, really? Some random, faceless youkai bitch? Yeah, _that'll _happen. Kagome? Ha! Once again, no jealous rampage needed. Kagura?"

Pausing for a moment, Inuyasha once again places a clawed finger upon his chin, as though he is truly giving the matter some serious thought.

"Aside from the fact that the woman is a detachment of Naraku, I don't really have any complaints there, either. Yeah, she may be a bit overbearing at times, but look on the bright side, if you swung _that _way, then at least your kids wouldn't come out looking like _me_. Although, on the other hand, I can't really say she's perfect for you, either, considering she actually _wants _you…gotta be something loose in there." Inuyasha finishes, tapping his head to emphasize the point.

Shifting gears, he glances one stool over to meet the wind-youkai's gaze.

"You know, Kagura, I actually grew to respect you towards the end there, but you have _really _bad taste in men. What woman in her right mind would have the hots for my_ brother?_"

He visibly shudders…

"But again, I s'ppose I can't really say I blame you, considering the fucking sadistic bastard that used to hold your heart. Not that you ever actually cared for Naraku. He just used to hold your heart, literally. After _that _kind of enslavement, no wonder your perception of Sesshoumaru got a bit warped. Hiten would've seemed like a kami-send in comparison to Naraku, and he liked to _eat _women…again, in the literal sense."

As everyone laughs, Inuyasha takes a moment to collect himself, adding a final "Yup, _any _man would've looked better than Naraku," before again shifting his gaze one barstool to the left, his eyes looking over the dark hanyou himself.

"I don't even know where to start with you," he states in a disappointed tone of voice, like a reprimanding father.

"Then again, I really don't need to say all that much, considering Kagome covered just about everything. Damn, she burned you worse than the fire that destroyed your human body in the first place. How much do you think your detachments enjoyed seeing that? Or how about Jinenji throwing you through the wall? I laughed my fucking ass off, and I'm sure they did too. You spawned them all, but they have no loyalty to you. Oh, you know what you should do, Naraku? You should make an incarnation that's an exact duplicate of yourself, so that you can go _fuck_ yourself! And I'm sure you _would_ fuck your clone-incarnation, too, you fucking perv! You might still be hung up on Kikyou, but if there's one person you love more than her, it's yourself.

"And Miroku was definitely wrong about the series not having a whore, though I think the wench was wrong, too. Oh, there's definitely is a whore among us, but I just ain't so sure it's Jakotsu. I mean, let's look at this thing statistically, since you're so fond of mathematical statistics. Out of _everyone _who's _ever _appeared in the manga _or _anime, it's _you_, Naraku, who has had the most people 'inside' of him. In fact, I just realized I need to take a shower when I get home, because you've had all of us inside of you…at the same time! On two separate occasions! And the first time you had a bunch of people inside of you, you had a baby…maybe Akago wasn't artificially created, after all. Shit, and he had white hair…well I ain't paying child support! In fact, I take back everything I just said. We'll just pretend the whole thing never happened, just like all the men Jakotsu ever slept with are doing."

Shifting gears once more, Inuyasha adjusts his gaze to address the undead mercenary himself.

"And as for you, you clown-faced, pickle kissing, ass diving, rim licking, cum collecting, corpse raping feltcher breath…" Pausing, he inhales deeply before shouting, "Stay the FUCK away from me!"

Panting heavily, Inuyasha is only vaguely aware of the audience laughing as he focuses his murderous gaze on the Band of Seven member. Jakotsu is wearing a shocked and saddened expression, as though his true love has just unexpectedly broken up with him, though everyone can tell there's no true emotion behind the look beyond the bitterness of losing a favorite toy.

"What the hell is your fixation with me, anyway?" Inuyasha continues. "Most people are disgusted by my hanyou traits, and yeah sure, Kagome ain't, but that's 'cause she loves me. You're just sick! I think it's actually _because _I'm half inu-youkai that you're drawn to me so badly. After all, you did say you liked my hanyou-self better when you saw me human. Maybe we should add 'bestiality' to your list of deviant traits, right along side maiming and necrophilia. Now I know I've taken some heat tonight for being hanyou, but it ain't like I wasn't expecting it, and there were even some more creative canine jokes thrown in, so I say screw it, if we're gonna do it, let's go for broke.

"You think I can't handle a few dog references? Ha! And I'm _allowed _to say them since _I'm _the dog. So tell us, Jakotsu, why _do _you want to fuck a dog so badly? It's all dogs, ain't it? Or at least all dogs on TV. It can't be just me. I bet alongside your collection of whips, cuffs and ball-gags is a jar of peanut butter. For example, Odie never closes his mouth, but he does when you come around! He pulls that tongue in faster than Garfield can scarf down his lasagna. And he has to eat it that fast, too, otherwise you'd probably put a pair of fuzzy ears in it and fuck it. Scooby Doo sees you coming and says 'Oh ro, rot ry rass!'… Although, I bet Kagome's right, _you're_ the bitch. In fact, your asshole is so big that even Clifford would be like 'Am I in yet?' After you watched 101 Dalmatians, you sent Disney a letter ranking all of the puppies in 'Hotness' from 1 to 101!"

As the audience laughs heartily, Inuyasha shakes his head as if he's giving up in a futile intervention. His eyes lock with Jakotsu's one last time.

"You're just lucky you already killed your parents back when they first sent you to gay therapy after you swore off women at age ten. Otherwise they would've both committed seppuku by this point to preserve what little honor they had left."

Inuyasha shifts his gaze out into the audience, scanning the crowd for where the rest of the Shichinin-tai are seated.

"But Jakotsu ain't the only psychopath in this group, so how did the rest of you guys get so fucked up?" he asks almost conversationally, his eyes locking onto the mercenaries in question. As Inuyasha takes a moment to size each of them up, the spotlight follows his gaze, the rest of the audience snickering as the remaining six 'of Seven' appear on the monitor screen.

"I would ask where your parents are, assuming any of you still had them, but since I'm an orphan too I know that ain't no excuse. I may've been a bit of a bastard in the beginning, but you guys definitely take the cake, with a side of ice cream.

"Bankotsu…seriously, dude? I think Kagura's right. While _my _sword certainly ain't for compensation, we all know you're _human_, and therefore probably plagued by certain 'limitations' my hanyou status thankfully makes me exempt from. But even _I _know when to say enough is enough where weapon size is concerned.

"Suikotsu, you need to get over those damn malpractice lawsuits already; you only owe about $3,000,000! And stay on your meds, for fuck's sake.

"Kyoukotsu…"

Sighing, the hanyou glances over the rest of audience before shifting his gaze to the dais for a moment, so that he's no longer addressing the mercenary personally, but everyone else in attendance.

"Really, why do we care about that guy? He lost to _Kouga_. That's like an infant beating you in a spelling bee. Renkotsu's just an asshole, so nobody could possibly love him, and Ginkotsu has apparently been sent back in time from the year 2029, when cyborgs have taken over the planet… Seriously, these guys would be rejected by the Island of Misfit Toys.

"Though I take back my question about what happened to their parents. At least I know what happened to Mukotsu's mom; she bled to death because she tried to push him back in."

Glancing back out into the audience, Inuyasha meets Mukotsu's narrowed gaze head on.

"Mukotsu, you're so ugly, the blind girl at the bar takes one not-look at you and says 'no thanks'. Seriously, that's a face not even Manten's mother would love. You even have to pour beer on your hand first before you can masturbate."

Everyone in attendance laughs at Mukotsu's expense, including Naraku, which does not go unnoticed by the inu-hanyou.

"What the fuck are you laughing at, Naraku? You had to literally squeeze Kagura's heart to get her to submit to those 27 seconds of shame!"

Losing his grin for a moment, the dark hanyou's expression is quick to become more sinister, as he smirks wickedly before loudly declaring "You're just upset with Mukotsu because he made you cry. I so would have loved to have seen that."

Inuyasha noticeably bristles for a moment at the comment, though he doesn't take long to regain himself, his expression serious.

"You're right, I was crying, because I had thought for a moment that Kagome and the others had _died_. Unlike you, I have emotions other than jealousy and hatred. Despite all our squabbles, I can safely say that I love the wench."

Over on the dais, Kagome's eyes widen, her attention focused solely on the man of honor. Inuyasha immediately notices her gaze, shifting his focus to her as well.

"You hear that, Kagome? I said the 'L' word, are you impressed? I guess I'm suffering from a glaring mental defect of my own. Everyone's right, you know, I never know which way you're going. You've got hot and cold running emotions, throwing yourself at me one minute and then screaming your head off the next. Your short skirts are virtually pornographic for my time period, and yet if anyone around you says _anything _you perceive to be indecent, you immediately label _them _the hentai. You're basically pulling the same BS as any skank in a nightclub that wears one of those tops that's about two threads away from spilling her boobs all over the dance floor, who then turns around and gets offended when guys forget how far up her eyeballs are.

"Not that I really mind your short skirts all that much, if I have to be honest. Even the fact that other guys get to see you in that outfit is an acceptable price to pay when _I'm _the one who gets to palm those lovely legs whenever I carry you on my back. It's just too bad I'm always carrying you out of necessity instead of enjoyment. It's a little hard to savor the moment when I have about two seconds to yank you outta the way of some youkai's attack.

"Wench, you were so fucking helpless in the beginning it's not even funny! I lost count of the number of times I had to save you by episode seven. Hell, I could've fucking _thrown _an arrow farther than you could shoot one. And you're such a k-klutz…"

On the couch, Kagome's once wide eyes are now narrowed into slits, as though she is silently daring Inuyasha to finish his sentence.

"I…uh, you…um…"

Kouga's sudden laughter immediately draws Inuyasha's attention as he glares daggers at the wolf-youkai before growling out, "What the fuck are _you _laughing at, ya mangy wolf?"

"Well, Dog-shit, that would be the fact that you're afraid of a chick!"

"Hmph…" Inuyasha snorts. "You try wearing this fucking thing…" he states, yanking on rosary for emphasis, "…and be fearless, asshole!"

"Dumb ass!" Kouga shouts back. "Have you forgotten the contract we all signed before they started the show tonight? She _can't_ 'Sit' you, or else she doesn't get paid!"

"Hey…yeah!" he realizes aloud, a look of epiphany overcoming him.

Clearing his throat, Inuyasha leans over the microphone slowly and precisely.

"Wench, there's something I've always wanted to say to you…"

Kagome's once narrowed eyes widen once more as she gulps silently, not sure she likes the sudden sparkle in his eyes.

"Of all of the women that I've ever met, you are by _far _the biggest, craziest, most psychotic, emotionally challenged wench there is. You constantly shift between acting like you love me, acting like you can't stand me, and treating me like your pet. Meanwhile, _I'm _the one who gets the bad rep of suffering from schizophrenia in the Fandom. If you actually _read _the manga, you'd see that my youkai side never once spoke to me like a devil on my shoulder. But I wouldn't be surprised if _you _were hearing voices, with as many different personalities as you like to portray. Trying to have a serious conversation with you is like playing Russian Roulette! And then _I _get blamed for _that_, too! Like I just don't know how to say things right! Feh! Sure, I might not be the most articulate guy on the planet, but maybe if you actually learned to listen once in a while before instantly jumping to conclusions, then you wouldn't get as butt-hurt as you always do. And you wonder why it's so hard for me to open up to you! If you weren't such an unreasonable, trigger happy bit—"

"OSUWARI!"

"Gah!"

Inuyasha crashes painfully against the podium and collapses along with it to the stage floor. Gasps of shock ring out amongst the startled crowd, while Kagome's self-satisfied declaration of "Totally worth it," somehow works to immediately lighten the mood.

From his place on the ground, Inuyasha's identical utterance of "Totally worth it…" easily reaches the audience through the microphone's close proximity to his mouth, and everyone chuckles after detecting the hint of amusement in his voice. Prying himself up off the floor and out of the debris of what was once a nice podium, he picks up the wireless microphone with his left hand, continuing his routine while sending a pointed glare in Kagome's direction.

"See what I mean?" he asks the audience, gesturing Kagome's way with a toss of his hand. Addressing the miko directly, he continues.

"Figures…you can't handle it, so then you 'subdue' me, your cure-all answer to any situation you feel is too uncomfortable to handle like a mature adult. Not that anyone's ever mistaken you for a mature adult, of course. And you've been pulling that shit for years! Grow up already! I get that when we first met, your world truly _hadn't _considered you an adult at only age fifteen…believe me, I can understand _why_…but you don't have that excuse any longer. And to be perfectly honest, you didn't have that excuse back then, either. While in _my _world, you _were _an adult at age fifteen. Most women that age would already be married with at least one baby, playing the part of a responsible mother."

Over on the couch, Kagome's eyes are wide once more, sparkling with the shine of gathering moisture as her lower lip quivers slightly, a single tear sliding down her cheek as she gazes Inuyasha's way with hurt in her eyes.

His own eyes roll at the display.

"Put the saline away, Kagome…" he says, tapping his nose with his right index finger. "I've known you long enough to know when you're faking it. They don't hand out Oscars at the end of this show."

Huffing and blushing slightly, the future-born miko crosses her arms in front of her chest, counting the seconds until Inuyasha's routine is over.

Staring a bit longer in her direction, even after she turns her gaze away from his, Inuyasha's eyes soften marginally, a small smile reaching his lips.

"Though, I know you have it in you to be a nurturing mother, Kagome. After all, there is the runt… You more or less adopted him after we avenged his father's death. Whether you truly think of him as your son, or more like a second little brother, there's no doubt in anyone's mind that you care deeply for the kit. I suppose as far as annoying little kids are concerned, Shippou isn't _that_ bad, though that brat's sure lucky he's not here right now after the shit he pulled with those fucking pictures!"

Shuddering at the self-reminder of Shippou's humiliating slideshow while the audience laughs at his expense one final time, Inuyasha knows there's nothing he can really say in defense of himself as far as denying the truth of what everyone saw, so instead, he focuses on a different kind of defense.

"I mean come on, can you _blame _me for peeking up her skirt or jerking off in the hot spring? Look at what Takahashi did to me! That was the longest emotional roller coaster in the history of the world. Children grew up and left for college while my love life remained undecided!"

Pausing a moment to tilt his head from side to side, audibly cracking his neck, Inuyasha's gaze becomes steely as he brings the microphone closer to his lips, his voice softer, more menacing.

"Oh yeah, it's her turn in the fire, now. After all, what 'Inuyasha Roast' would be complete without paying tribute to the creator, am I right?"

The audience cheers in appreciation for the author of the manga they have come to love so much, and Inuyasha waits patiently for the noise to die down.

"Oh, yes, praise Goddess Rumiko!" he agrees sarcastically, then frowns, the audience immediately growing silent at his tone.

"No, you know what? Screw that! I put up with 558 chapters of this bullshit, and did I get even a remotely satisfying ending? Hell no! I didn't even get a fucking kiss! Oh, what's that…?"

Pausing, Inuyasha holds up his right hand to the side of his head, gesturing with his thumb and pinkie finger like his hand is a telephone. "Hello? Oh, it's for you…" he says, holding his hand out towards audience. "It's Rumiko, _phoning it in_."

Over on the dais, Miroku chimes in with, "Now Inuyasha, to be fair, you _did _get a kiss in the anime."

"No thanks to Takahashi…" the hanyou mumbles in reply, adding louder, "Besides, the anime doesn't count, remember? And anyway, you call that a kiss? I didn't even get any tongue! Fucking _Kouga_ got a better kiss than I did!"

"It wasn't me!" the wolf-demon whines from his barstool.

"Yeah yeah yeah…" Inuyasha waves off, getting ready to continue his rant until sudden movement off to the side has him freezing in place.

The main spotlight swings over to the couch, illuminating Jakotsu as he happily rises from his seat, moving to head towards the hanyou. Inuyasha's eyes grow large in alarm.

"Wh-what the hell are you doing?"

"Hang on, my little koinu! I'm com—waaa!" he exclaims as a jealous leg suddenly shoots out and trips him, sending him sprawling to the floor. The owner of said leg rises gracefully to her feet, stepping on the groaning mercenary as she makes her way purposefully toward the remains of the podium. Inuyasha is no longer horrified, but he is still frozen, like a deer caught in headlights.

Kagome steps right up to Inuyasha, and grabbing both of his forelocks and yanking down until he's at the right level, she leans forward and smashes their mouths together, her tongue immediately plunging past the barrier of his lips. He hesitates for less than a second before swiftly falling into the rhythm of the pace she has set, his hands snaking up to slither behind her, pulling her in even closer as he rests the hand holding the mike between her shoulder blades while tangling the other one in her hair. Kagome releases her grip on his forelocks, both arms wrapping around his neck as she allows him to dominate the kiss, which he has no trouble doing as his tongue battles furiously with hers for power, tasting and teasing, before driving her tongue back into her own mouth, following it in as he devours every inch of her.

In need of air, they eventually pull apart, and smugly, Inuyasha turns back to the audience and camera, his right arm hooked possessively around Kagome's side, keeping the miko next to him, as he brings the mike back to his lips.

"See, Takahashi? It isn't so hard. Two fanfiction writers did in one paragraph what you couldn't do in 558 chapters. So you know what, I only have one thing to say to you, Rumiko, and this applies to the rest of you as well. Fuck you, bitches! Good night!"

Dropping the microphone with a loud thump that rattles out through the speakers, Inuyasha swoops Kagome up into his arms bridal style before sauntering off stage, heading for his private dressing room, the thunderous roar of the audience cheering him on every step of the way. The hungry look in his eyes suggests there will be no encore.

Over on the dais, nearly everyone is applauding as well, save for Kouga and Kikyou, who are silently fuming and looking defeated, and Naraku, who is yet again attempting and failing to look threatening. Even Sesshoumaru is wearing the tiniest of smirks, and for once, his amusement doesn't fill anyone else with terror.

As the monitor on the back wall lights up with a slideshow of classic Inuyasha manga covers, the audience goes wild, one by one rising to their feet to give the inu-tachi a standing ovation as everyone remaining on stage takes a moment to bow politely, the soothing melody of 'Every Heart' drifting through the speakers as they take their exit one by one.

An hour later, a man sits alone in a private room at the back of the auditorium. Everyone has left except for the cleanup crews. The man stares through the room's only window, which gives him an excellent view of the empty stage. His eyes are sunken and fatigue shows on his face. A vein throbs in his forehead, a clear sign of a pounding headache. His mouth hangs open slightly; even after all this time, he still cannot believe what he has just witnessed.

The door opens and in hops a young assistant carrying a cardboard box.

"Here you go, boss. All the tapes from the cameras. I can't wait to start editing; the TV airing of this roast is going to be great!"

The boss shakes his head, the action of a man who has just committed a grave sin and is seeking to redeem himself. "Burn them. With any luck, no human being will ever again be exposed to this vile, insidious monstrosity."

The End


End file.
